Post # 1
I’ve made a controversial decision by not asking a friend to be in my bridal party even though I was the maid of honor in her wedding just two years ago. The advice I kept getting is to choose who I wanted to choose regardless of expectation or apprehension about hurt feelings, so I chose 4 girls in my life who I respect, admire, and value. They’re all girls I feel very close to and they are confident, strong, and positive and they genuinely enjoy life.
The friend I didn’t choose, has been a friend for 10 years. She has many great qualities, but one of the reasons I did not choose her is because she has a tendancy to worry and think negatively. And there is a history of her negativity rubbing off on me. In preparing for my wedding day and on the wedding day, I just really didn’t want her negativity to affect me for any part of my wedding planning and especially not on my wedding day.
It took me a month to finalize my bridal party, but I never addressed it with my friend. She recently (about 6 months after I chose my bridal party) confided in me that she was very hurt that I did not ask her to be a part of my bridal party. I did my best to explain to her that though she is one of my closest friends, I decided to choose friends who could keep me as happy and stress-free as possible. I told her very truthfully that she is a worrier (it’s a word she often uses to describe herself) and that worry affects me. I told her that I know things will go wrong on our wedding day, but that I just need to keep focus on the fact that if at the end of the day, I’m married to the love of my life and we’re surrounded by people who love us – then that’s all that matters. And I made it very clear that she is one of the people I want to share that day with.
I thought she understood where I was coming from and we’ve talked since then and I thought things were okay. But it’s a few weeks later and I noticed she’s unfriended me on all social media sites. Her husband as well. I’ve tried to reach out to her and her husband but neither have replied. This is quite awkward because we are all part of the same circle of friends, and her husband is actually a groomsman in our wedding.
I’m very sad to lose a friend. But at the same time, i wonder if it’s time to let the friendship die. This drama is exactly the reason I did not choose her to be in my bridal party. I’ve been trying to not let it affect me, but I am truly sad to lose a friend.
Post # 3
Well I can understand how she would feel hurt. After all, she thought enough of you to make you her Maid/Matron of Honor. However, you DO have the right to chose your wedding party. Hopefully the hurt feelings will fade with time.
Post # 4
@luckystar52: Than she was your friend at all to give up your friendship over not being in the wedding party.
Post # 5
I dont blame her for being upset.
Post # 6
Wow…I totally get where you are coming from on this, but if you’ve been friends that long and her husband is in your bridal party, that has got to sting!
Put yourself in her shoes….could you honestly chin up and be ok with the fact that your worry-wort tendencies were what kept you our of your friend’s bridal party? And you are supposed to still be happy, go to all of the events and sit in the crowd while your husband walks some other dame down the aisle….?
Ooooo…Nona is a pretty understanding person, even I would have a hard time with that.
That being said, you are totally in the right to choose the people you want in your party, and I respect the fact that you were up front with her about your reasons, but can you blame her? If you care about this woman, don’t just let her drift away, she’s not being mean, she’s hurt….and as good as your intentions were, you did the hurting.
There are moments in life, where we can fix anything, but you have to show up to do that.
Post # 7
@luckystar52: It’s sad for a friendship to die, but it sounds as though you had your reasons for not making her a Bridesmaid or Best Man and this was more of a “longtime coming” thing rather than a decision made rashly.
I also lost a friend for whom I had acted as a Bridesmaid or Best Man because I did not ask her to be in the wedding party and consequently, another friend from the resulting drama. My reasons were similar to yours, and I no longer had the patience to endure the belittling and attempts to make me feel worse about myself so that she could feel better about herself.
Honestly, I don’t think there is anything you can do at this point. You could offer to include her in the wedding party or to read a passage in the ceremony, but that will only bring up the issues you were concerned about combined with her now (assumed) resentment on being left out initially. You’ve said your piece and now she’s said hers. This is probably the most resolution you will ever get from this.
It’s sad, and to an extent I miss what I and these two girls shared, however after the initial drama and the “let’s talk about our relationship” talk were over, I can honestly say I am far less stressed than I was the entire course of our friendship. I think it’s natural to mourn the loss of what was, but at the same time recognize that it wasn’t healthy and sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to move on and not look back. I’m sorry OP, and I wish you the best going through this.
Post # 8
I don’t think I’ve done anything to negate her feelings. I’ve acknowledged them and tried to tell her that she is a valued friend. She has just withdrawn from the friendship by unfriending me and ignoring my attempts to reach out to her.
Post # 9
You have the right to choose whomever you want in your Bridal Party – but I feel you are being a bit harsh on her by being upset that she has defriended you, etc.
By not making her a Bridesmaid or Best Man you made it very clear where your relationship stands with her (which is of course totally acceptable.) However, after taking this stance, I can see why she wouldn’t be excited about your wedding or want to remain close with you. I feel that her actions are an acceptable response given the circumstances.
Let cooler heads prevail, and just give her time.
Post # 11
it would sting enough to not be asked to be in your bridal party after you were in hers. thats kind of like saying “i love you” to someone and they dont say it back. but then you and your Fiance included her husband in the bridal party but did not include her. thats kind of like putting the nail in the coffin. it would be very difficult to be on the receiving end of that and not take it very personally. even though you may not have meant it to come across that way, she probably felt like you were trying to end the friendship by excluding her but including everyone else around her (friends and her husband)
Post # 12
You may not think you’ve done domething to negate her feelings, but you have. I’d be equally hurt if I was in her shoes. Sorry you can’t see that, maybe it’s a good thing she’s loosing you as a friend.
Post # 13
Ouch. I’m sorry that your friend’s hurt feelings spiraled out of control. I can see why she’d be upset, however. Even though you didn’t intend to hurt her, she got hurt. Unfortunately, you can’t control how people will feel about what you say or do. I hope you can salvage your long-standing friendship with this woman. Try reaching out to her again, tell her you just want to talk about things.
Post # 14
A very similar thing just happened to my fiance. His childhood best friend is going to be his Best Man, and we just found out that he’s not even going to be a groomsman in his friend’s wedding. My fiance seemingly brushed it off, but I was seriously hurt and have even cried over it. Looking at the guys he chose, it seems that they were picked out by his fiancee, as they’re all guys that live near them and she is also close with.
I really just wish he would have said something instead of us having to find out via their website. My fiance and his friend talk online several times a week, and it would have felt A LOT better if he had just said, “Hey man, I just wanted to let you know that we had to cut back our bridal party, and it’s just going to be friends in our city. I’d love it if you could (do some other activity, from a reading or play a song or something), though”.
Your wedding party is a chance to honor people who are significant to you, so by excluding your friend completely, including her husband, and then not telling her the news yourself, you’re essentially saying she’s not significant to you. Not to mention, she’ll probably have to field “Why aren’t you a bridesmaid??” questions all night from friends that knew you were her Maid of Honor.
Post # 15
Ofcourse you have the right to choose who is in your bridal party but you have to ask yourself, “is it really worth it to leave this friend out?” If you decided not to choose her as a bridesmaid because she may over-worry or be negative and it would cause you stress but then you didn’t choose her and it’s causing you stress, a lost friend and an awol groomsmen. Not choosing her didn’t help to alleviate any of the problems you were trying to avoid.
Everyone is going to say, it’s your day, blah, blah, blah, but I have noticed that when people wait until they plan their wedding to address long standing issues with friends and family members that they never did before it blows up in their face and causes bigger problems at an already stressful time.
I think if this was something that was bothering you than it should have been addressed before the wedding, years ago even, so it wouldn’t be coming to a head now. Now that it’s at a head you’ll have to deal with the fall out and hope your friendship can survive it.
Post # 16
Hmm that’s tough. One of my close friends is not including me in her wedding due to having a very small party and only her sister and one other friend in it. I admittedly was a little hurt and disappointed. I understand though. However, I do think your reasons for excluding your friend (although they are your reasons to make) are a little hurtful and I don’t blame her for being upset. I don’t really know what can be done about it- I guess just try to keep the lines of communication open??