- 4 years ago
- Wedding: January 2014
Since my FI met FMIL alone regarding the issue of the guest list, the issue of parents and immediate family members formally meeting each other came up again.
It is Korean tradition for the two families to meet for a meal (usually a formal dinner) to discuss wedding & marriage matters (e.g. setting a wedding date, setting dowry amount, etc) and to formaly introduce themselves to each other.
FILs initially said back in March when FI and I first paid them a visit to let them know that we are engaged, that they do not want to meet my parents since they share same opinions as us regarding our marriage and wedding (e.g. they bless our marriage and are not against it, they are fine with us making our own decisions regarding who to marry and how the wedding will be, etc).
Since then, FI temporarily cut off commucation with his family because he could not take any more constant disownment/yelling/swearing/condescending commands from his parents. (Yes, FFIL “disowned” FI multiple times – and then would call him to ask him about trivial things such as what the Internet password is – and when FI asked him what happened to disownment, he would casually tell him that he is still, indeed, disowned. Then argued back by saying, why can’t he reach out for help nonetheless?)
We still sent them an invitation, with a hand written card from FI, stating that we still would like them to attend our wedding since it is an important day for us – and we would like their attendance and blessing.
Last time we met with FMIL, she insisted that we have the formal family meeting, as well as other traditional Korean wedding events, which we already said we will not/cannot do, due to budget/time/our personal beliefs. We were extremely irritated by the fact that they practically disrespected my parents by first telling us that my parents are not worthy to meet back in March – and then expecting them to be fine to meet with them without any apology or explanation.
My parents, wanting to lessen the burden on us, told us that they are absolutely fine with the formal family meeting. They suggested three dates at the end of November, since my younger sister will be coming home from college for a fall break then.
My FI relayed that message to his parents – and reply comes from FMIL saying that she wants to meet my mother alone, without us.
She flat out gave two days notice – gave location and time, and basically told us to tell my mom to appear. No reason for wanting to meet my mom alone either.
I told my FI that is unreasonable and rude in so many ways, that I cannot agree to it. We aren’t teenagers – why do the moms need to meet alone without us? The conversation will be about us and our marriage/wedding – so why shouldn’t we be there? Plus, giving my mom the date, time and location without asking whether it is ok for her or not? Who is she to command my mom’s presence?
FI agreed, and he replied that moms meeting alone is not something we agree upon – that all immediate family members should meet. And if there’s a special reason why moms should meet alone, and meet without us, please tell us the reason, so we can convey that to my mom.
Reply came today (or yesterday and FI told me today), and he didn’t let me read it because he was worried that I will become extremely emotional and “blow up”.
But he summarized it as this: FMIL said who are we to tell her what to do, I want to meet Redholix’ mom alone so give me her phone number, and I’ll see if the formal family meeting will fit the need upon meeting Redholix’ mom.
I was absolutely offended.
She’s going to judge my mom and decide whether the formal meeting will take place or not? WHAT?!?
Even before I was able to close my gapped mouth, FI said with a firm face that he is done with his family – that he is going to reply with “forget it. come to the wedding or don’t – it’s your choice.”
I told him that I lost the last bit of my patience and respect for them – and that I am so hurt and offended that they took my parents to be people below them!
Fine, they’ve been treating us as if we are below them, but I sucked it up thinking it’s an inevitable cultural difference (parents > children in Asian culture). But doing that to my parents was something I did not expect and I just could not/cannot tolerate….
I just needed to vent a bit.
P.S. FSIL has “disowned” her younger brother as well – not to mention that she calls me a “short bitch” now. Seriously…?