Lost all my respect & patience with my FILs

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
851 posts
Busy bee

Sigh. Cultural differences. Sadly, these things are inevitable in Asian cultures as I am part of one (second-generation Indian living in the West Indies). I haven’t experienced it firsthand but I’ve seen/heard of these sort of situations popping up. It’s sad when parents allow their prejudices and outdated notions to affect their children’s lives and happiness.

It’s not your fault OP. Sadly though, I don’t know what advice to give as generally, when it comes to cultural norms, the older generations are harder to come around and change their ways. On the bright side, your FI sees the error in their ways and has defended you as necessary, as his future wife which in a many similar situtions, doesn’t always occur.

Post # 4
Member
4395 posts
Honey bee

@Redholix:  I remember your posts from a while ago. I think you and your FI have it right. Stop letting them play games with you. Give them the invitation, and if they decide not to come, then so be it. They don’t get to tell you how you will conduct your wedding or your lives; they’ve shown they are not respectful of you as adults and as a couple.

Post # 5
Member
3557 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Redholix:  Wow…how did your FI escape the crazy that seems to run in his family? I’m glad he’s got his head on straight and is defending you. Is it possible that his mother in mentally ill? That’s the only thing that makes sense to me at this point. At least you’re family is being awesome about your relationship.

Post # 7
Member
3557 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Redholix:  You have tried and tried to make it work with these people. You are not making him chose between you and his family, they are. You can’t control what others do, just what you do, so keep on supporting your FI.

Post # 8
Hostess
3787 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Oh goodness, I dont have much to add, but have read all of these threads.

I’m so sorry, honey. I know how hard it is to give people chance after chance after chance and they only return it with toxicity.

I think you’re both making the right decision. However, can I also suggest maybe you and FI go to counseling with this? It’s going to be a huge issue in your marriage for years to come. The back and forth “I’m not talking to you, wait yes I am, wait, no.” Thing is bound to take a toll. I’m not saying that cutting them out is right or wrong (I’ve had to do it before to an immediate family member and it was/is horrible), but it will not be easy and a neutral, trained professional third party can help you both come to a decision that is best for both of you and your family, and come to terms with the decision and actions that follow. 

Good luck. Really, I feel for you guys.

Post # 9
Member
2163 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Wow, that’s messed up. I’m sorry.

Post # 11
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I usually really try and see the other side… I can’t in this situation. Good riddance to that crazy lady.

Post # 13
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Redholix:  Yeah, you all need to just stop trying to please your FIL’s because they are determined to be displeased. They are being intentionally offensive and their demands aren’t really in the interest of making things better, but of regaining control and proving to themselves and you that they are dominant. What they really want is for you (and your family, apparently) is to be submissive to them. Every time you try to work with them, they see it as an opening to get their control back.

So, be a united front. Tell your in-laws that you love them and you hope they decide to attend the wedding. If any of them tell your FI that he is disowned then make them own that decision by having no contact with them until and unless they are ready to reconcile in good faith. 

Good luck. I hope you both can put their nonsense behind you on your wedding day. 

Post # 15
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I’m with your FI on this. They don’t seem to follow any kind of logic, so trying to be logical with them would be pointless. If you need to, write a letter and list all the craziness. Otherwise, just move on.

Post # 16
Member
208 posts
Helper bee

@Redholix:  She seems like she wants everybody to alter their plans around her. And she is probably prepared to guilt trip you both by saying “she wasnt invited to your wedding” (even if she was). She seems like an insanely controlling person. There is also a good chance that she is not meaning to sound as rude as she is coming off and she would really like to attend the wedding. Unfortunately she wants you both to suck up to her and have it on her terms in the process. Which you cannot do. There are some people who are just unfortunately rude and it’s part of their personality… for better or worse. I think if she wanted to completely forget her son… she would have. Without making excuses (asking to meet up or for passwords etc)… this to me, shows that she is dwelling on the events considerably.

The only way to bridge any gap is to talk… in your sweetest voices… talk to her. Tell her what she is doing and how that makes you  both feel.

If that can’t be accomplished then I say forget about it. I know that it would be nice if your FI’s parents were there… and I’m sure deep down you both would like it to all work out. But if the risk is a significant amount of stress on your part and if their presence is going to ruin your day… then don’t bother. Wait until they are ready to approach you seriously. Wait until they decide to stop playing these ridiculous games. In the meantime, Don’t count on them being there. And if they pull it together and get on board before the wedding… then wonderful. You are both adults. They need to recognize that. It sounds like you have made every effort.

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