Post # 1
I’m hoping that you can help me with a serious issue that i’m having.
I am married for 10 months now, and have no desire what so ever to be married anymore. I have lost my passion for the marriage and my husband.
We started off on a rocky note. My husband has a habit since before we got married about not doing what he says he will do. Constantly coming late and not respecting my boundaries. This has taken its toll on me, and has started to bring out the worst in my character, I am starting not to like myself.
Since we’ve been married there have been two terrible incidents, which involved physical violence, including him coming home from a night out the next morning, me confronting him and him physically attacking me really badly.
We have been to marrital councelling but I don’t feel for him anymore. My heart has grown so cold. I want to leave, but feel that if I do, I will be making a mistake.
I’m not saying he’s a terrible person, but what has happened, has really changed the way I see him. I don’t even think I love him anymore.
I don’t know how to get love back and i’m very confused. Please help me.
Post # 3
@Hutu: Physical violence is NEVER acceptable. And men who are violent don’t just do it once. In that sense, he IS a terrible person.
Marital counselling is no longer appropriate. He has broken his marriage vows by being violent to you. I am a Christian and I do not normally believe in divorce – but one acceptable reason is physical violence. Because love is not violent. A wife should not need to live in fear.
You need to leave him. Leaving him will not be a mistake – it will be good for you. Find somewhere safe to go (your family perhaps?) and move there.
Post # 4
My parents know about the first incident, but not the second one, I don’t want to deal with the stress of them finding out eithr. I don’t want to go back living with my parents and I have no where else to go because finances are tight. This happened 2 months ago, but I still can’t get over it. The councilor doesn’t seem to help much, because he says that my husband should take 80 % of the blame and I should take 20%, because I provoked him by pushing him. I don’t care about working it out. I don’t care who is to blame.
I have just lost the love and can’t continue on living like nothing is wrong.
Post # 5
@Hutu: I CANNOT believe that your councelor would say such horrid things as to blame you for your husband’s violence. It is NOT your fault! He is to blame!
Please don’t let your finances and fear of having to move back in with your parents, hold you back from leaving your husband. You need to leave him, physical violence is NEVER acceptable!
Do you really want this guy to be the father to your future children?
I wish you strength and hope you will find the courage to leave him!
Post # 6
I am very sad, because I so badly wanted our marriage to work, I wanted a good home to raise a family, but I fear the thought of having children with him. I have become so paranoid, I don’t trust him at all anymore.
He is a good person, but something about him really bothers me.
Post # 7
I work in a mental hospital…and I had many female patients who were victims of physical abuse ….most of them blame themselves for it…And it is so wrong…you shouldn’t be sorry for anything..and if he started getting physically violent with you in less than a year after marriage he wouldn’t stop…it will get worse…your husband needs anger managment classes and a therapist..and you need to go…think about your own well-being..what if he hits you again? what if he hits you too hard? what if he kills you accidently or intentionally? How would your parents feel?
Post # 8
@Hutu: if he has been violent towards you twice, he is not a good person.
I understand that leaving him seems horribly daunting, and you want to believe that he can change and become a better person, but he isn’t going to.
You need to get a better councillor at the very least. Whether or not you pushed him, the vast majority of men (in fact the vast majority of PEOPLE) have sufficient control over their temper to restraint themselves. The ones who don’t are abusers. You are not to blame in the slightest.
I hope you can find the strength to leave. I’m sure you don’t want to bring children up with this man, so it’s important to leave before you get pregnant.
Post # 9
@Hutu: It sounds to me like your relationship is over. You say you don’t want to go back to living with your parents, but if you don’t have the means to support yourself, i’m not sure what other options you have. You have both lashed out at each other physically, and that is never healthy, and not a sign of love and respect.
cut your losses and leave. You will both be happier in the long run, even if it means for the time being you have to live with your folks.
Post # 10
He has crossed a very terrifying line.
I can absolutely see how you can feel stuck and how the thought of moving home to your parents just plain sucks. But think of it this way – staying with your parents is not going to be a permanent thing. It is merely a stepping stone to a much better life. Think of all the possibilities and all the doors that will open by taking this step. By ending a toxic relationship it allows you to feel free, feel like yourself again! I left a situation like yours (we weren’t married, but we did own a home together). It took me 9 months to get my ducks in a row to leave. When I did though, the weight that was lifted off my shoulders was such a huge relief! I ended up back at my parents for a couple of months, but it was actually nice to have people around when dealing with everything.
Big hugs!! No one should have to deal with things like this….
Post # 11
It would NOT be a mistake to leave him. He is no longer treating youwith love and care. You are worthy of so much more.
I’m sorry you are going through this.
Post # 12
Go see another counselor ASAP. Nobody EVER deserves to get hit or pushed! You didn’t do anything to deserve it!
Get out now and heal. Eventually you will meet someone incredible that gives you butterflies and you will light up to be around him! Do you want to miss out on your chance to meet a person that makes you feel like the most amazing woman on earth? I don’t believe in divorce unless in circumstances exactly like yours! At the very least, go to your own counselor!
Post # 13
@paula1248: <– what she said times a million.
Also as someone else said.. i think you might need a new counsellor..
Post # 14
I have asked him to leave. Its just very difficult and lonely.
I have my own therapist. So I guess I’ll have to take it step by step.
Post # 15
@Hutu: Congratulations on having asked him to leave! Now stick to your guns and don’t let him or anyone else bully you into changing your mind.
I can’t even imagine how difficult this must be for you. But you can do this. Step by step, one foot in front of the other. And I’m sure your new therapist will be a great help!
Post # 16
They usually say when it comes to abusers that counselling does NOT help, in fact it can often times make them worse and they learn how to maniuplate better. Although it sounds like yours wasn’t a good counselor to begin with, seeing another will most likely not help. You have one option and one option only and that is to leave. Moving in with your parents is not a big deal and finances is NOT a legitimate reason to stay with someone who gets physical with you.