Lost and needing advice….

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Ugh I’m sorry you’re going through this but honestly can’t understand why you wan to work it out. The relationship sounds terribly unhealthy and like its a lot of work! Relationships should generally be easy! Sure, sometimes work is required to maintain the relationship but it shouldn’t be exhausting like yours sounds. It sounds like you both have some issues to work through but if I were you I’d be working on them by myself, preparing for the time when the right guy walks into my life.

Post # 4
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

First mistake you made was wanting to talk about it at the company outing. Big nono.

youve pointed out the trust issues and youve put it all in black n white. If it were me id be moving on. If theres no trust or honesty theres not alot else.

after having been cheated on in the past i know that when you have to start piecing things together like phone bills, messages and bank statements….it just shouldnt be happening.

ultimately up to you though.

sorry for the lack of punctuation etc but i had to turn off autocorrect and in the state im in i just cant be bothered correcting everything!

Post # 5
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@MrsWBS:  amen to that! I did a walk out 10 months after getting married and if i hadnt of, i wouldnt have met or been ready for my soul mate, whos been the best thing that has ever happened to me.

as told by a counsellor, a relationship is like a business, you need to invest in it for it to be successful, if you overinvest in one area you can do alot of damage.

take the time and energy youre wasting and use it more productively until mr right comes along 🙂

Post # 6
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It doesn’t sound like you’re very happy with the relationship. Three years is a long time to go through a cycle like that. I personally would not stay with someone who was saying disrespectful things about me and acting shady. I guess you just have to decide if you really want things to work out. 

Post # 8
Member
8909 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Wow, he sounds like a real piece of work.  He’s verbally abusive, can’t handle conflict in a mature and respectful way, and is either cheating on you or wants to.  I’m not sure why you want to stay with this guy, and I think you’re right that it won’t work.

ETA: I understand feeling like you’ve put enough time/effort into this relationship that it’s too late to leave – but come on!  You’ve got like 50 more years of life – do you want them to be filled with this abusive shit, or do you want to find a guy who worships you and will treat you wonderfully for the rest of your life?!

Post # 10
Member
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@lovemoore:  ummmmmmm.yeeeeaaaahhhh.

I’m very sorry you’re feeling so down and distressed. But I believe the simple solution is to break it off entirely, and find YOUR liberation in starting over with someone who has integrity, and shows love and respect for you. Your current man doesn’t seem capable of that. 

Lying, name calling, cheating?, acting out in ways that are not at all respectful of you and the relationship….good grief! WHY would you want to keep him around?!

I know it’s always so much easier said than done but good gosh I think you could do so much better dear. Best of luck in your decision making!!!

Post # 11
Member
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Leave. Why would you want to marry him? That’s not love. Love means each partner putting each other’s needs ahead of their own. That way you’re both taken care of. From what you wrote, neither of you are taken care of.

Post # 12
Member
2620 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

dont save this relationship it is not healthy. he seems like a jerk 90 bucks of sushi is big sign he is buying someone else dinner, and is stealing ur money to do so. seperate bank accounts asap before he wipes your account out. do NOT GET MARRIED. not to this jerk who is disrespecting you with friends(the liberated text) and by beeing shady with jen

Post # 13
Member
1067 posts
Bumble bee

I think if you are questioning whether it is time to leave then it is probably time to leave. I know it is hard – I just left a several year long relationship two months ago and sometimes get quite sad but it is still way better than being stuck in a relationship where you are questioning things. Also, if you cannot trust someone, you probably shouldn’t be with them.

Post # 14
Member
1067 posts
Bumble bee

I think if you are questioning whether it is time to leave then it is probably time to leave. I know it is hard – I just left a several year long relationship two months ago and sometimes get quite sad but it is still way better than being stuck in a relationship where you are questioning things. Also, if you cannot trust someone, you probably shouldn’t be with them.

Post # 15
Member
42490 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I suggest that the first thing to do for each of you is to examine your hearts to see if you love each other enough to do the work that would be required to salvage this relationship.

Communication is poor. There is no trust or mutual respect, he lies, you snoop (I understand that this is likely due to the lack of trust), he calls you disrespectful names and yells at you, he shares private information about your relationship with friends, both of you give each other the silent treatment for days at a time.

There is a lot of work needed to get this relationship on healthier ground, if it can be done at all.

Post # 16
Member
1788 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

His behavior is completely unacceptable and way out of line. From your account, it doesn’t sound like you’re blameless, but he seems to be doing far more damage to the stability of your relationship than you are.

Leave. Take what’s left of your self-worth and cultivate it with someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I can’t even imagine why you would want this kind of treatment for the rest of your life. 

Personally, I wouldn’t even try to work at it after seeing that text message. I would never talk that way about my FI, even at my angriest, and I know he wouldn’t either. How will you come back from knowing that there are times when he feels that way about you, and he broadcasts it?

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