Post # 1
So I know that my SO is planning a proposal (I looked at rings at his request, he’s been a couple of times, he’s told me he has a plan and a date – sometime before Christmas!), but today we had a fight about it and now I don’t feel excited at all.
Well, our 3.5 year mark is tomorrow and he’s been planning a “surprise date” and won’t tell me anything we’ll be doing. He has also banned me from his phone and was texting more than usual but made sure I couldn’t see the screen. So of course, a teeny part of me thought something proposal-related was going on. I didn’t tell him this, but then he told me he was nervous about the date because he “didn’t want me to be disappointed” about something “he didn’t want to say” but that I knew what he was talking about – a proposal.
I’ll admit I was a little bummed. Somehow it turned into a huge fight and he ended up telling me that he’s been feeling like I’m pressuring him and wanting him to just “break down and do it” whenever I bring up anything marriage-related. I had no idea! I was bringing it up (too much, I’m sure) because I’m excited and happy, and he always insisted that the discussions never bothered him. He also started talking about how he wants it to be perfect and that if he can tell I see it coming, it’ll take all of his excitement away. I was kind of like, “You know the only way I would never ever expect it would be if we had never discussed marriage, right?” which isn’t how either of us would have wanted it.
In short, we had a huge terrible fight (lots of tears and guilt) and I feel like the whole experience is tainted. I don’t want to remember the lead-up this way. I’m also now terrified of somehow the proposal not going the way he wants it and then him being disappointed.
Has anyone else felt like this, or had some kind of fight that put a damper on the excitement? Did you get over it – and if so, how?
Post # 2
Moorea12: We had a few instances like that (although not as big scale). My DH said he was feeling the pressure from me, when I wasn’t even aware I was putting pressure on, and certainly wasn’t meaning to!
I think you need to think carefully about what is important here – and that isn’t a grand gesture, or an expensive ring. It’s that the man you love wants to get married to you, and spend the rest of his life with you, and that’s a pretty huge honour 🙂 What I would do (and this is just my opinion) is sit down with him, and apologise for if you’ve put pressure on him, and say you didn’t mean to. Explain that his asking is the most important thing, but you want him to do it on his terms, and his way. Whilst you can’t get rid of the argument you’ve had, you can move forward positively together.
As it happens, my DH had all sorts of ideas of how he wanted to propose, and in the end it wound up being 10pm on a Sunday night at home, off the back of one of our personal jokes, and it was absolutely perfect and I wouldn’t change it for the world because it was so us, but it was totally not what he originally had in mind, it just happened!
Good luck, and try not to feel too bad about it – it’s a tricky situation to be in. Let us know how it goes!x
Post # 3
Kellym84: Thanks! Yeah, I told him I never meant to put pressure on him and that I was actually just trying to show that I was excited. I also told him that I don’t care what the ring looks like, how he does it, or even when it happens. I’m just excited to be with him.
Post # 4
Moorea12: I feel you. I hate the awkward preengaged state where it’s totally cute if the man talks about getting married etc. but if the woman mentions it she’s seen as crazy and pressuring. We’re just supposed to suppress our feelings for months (years?) until the man decides to make it official. Even if it’s positive exciting feelings it’s still seen as pressure. Ugh.
“He also started talking about how he wants it to be perfect and that if he can tell I see it coming, it’ll take all of his excitement away. I was kind of like, “You know the only way I would never ever expect it would be if we had never discussed marriage, right?”” <br /><br />Yup my bf is the same way and I feel the same way as you. It’s like, buddy, I’ve been thinking about this every single day since we seriously discussed marriage. If you wanted me to never expect it you should’ve asked lonngggggg ago. And if you wanted me to at least be a little surprised you should’ve asked within a month or two after we discussed it. Anything after that it’s pretty much like it’s about time (I don’t actually say that obviously but I think it!). They don’t seem to grasp the concept that the longer they wait the more its on our minds. They think if they wait a while we will forget about it. Ummm NO lol. So we’re expected to pretend it’s not on our minds. Preengaged is no fun. You aren’t alone <3
Post # 5
lalanono: I’m so glad someone else gets everything I was saying!
I totally agree – don’t expect me to be 100% surprised and flabbergasted when you propose when you had me try on rings in like August. It’s November!!
Post # 6
Moorea12: On a happier note he said he has a plan and a date before Christmas?? That’s awesome! Less than 6 weeks away! My guy hinted it’ll be before Christmas for us but won’t say it directly. Driving me nuts lol.
If you don’t mind me asking how old are youguys? It sounds like we might be in very similar situations (4.25 years for us and we’re both 24)?
Post # 7
I can completely relate to this, being in an awkward pre-engaged state.
i too have been told that the proposal is coming before Christmas. I’ve been pretty excited and trying to get it out of him, where/when/what kind of ring etc, mainly because I’m excited and parfly because I’m impatient, don’t like surprises and just want to know!
Until recently I was under the impression that he didn’t mind this, if anything he seemed to think it was cute how impatient I was being but we got in a huge fight the other day where he basically said I was talking about it too much and putting pressure on him, which I really don’t think I was.
im not mentioning it now, and feel lije fighting about it has ruined the excitement too. I know he is still planning on doing it but I’m kinda sad, like if he was as excited/into it as me he would be happy to talk about it. If anything the pressure is coming from him to do the perfect proposal at the perfect time when I am not actually bothered. As much as I want it to be nice, i am more bothered about being engaged than the actual ring/proposal!
hang in there! It will happen soon, we just need to shut up and let them get on with it!
Post # 8
- Wedding: June 2015 - Surrey, BC, Canada
We had a short awkward pre-engagement state, although with a role reversal. My FH was the one who really wanted to get married whereas I was still on the fence (not about being with him forever, but about marriage as a concept). He would mention it a lot and I’d get kind of nervous and feel pressured. But I am a worrier type of anxious person so it doesn’t take much to make me nervous haha. When he did end up proposing, it was a total surprise to me (not easy to do), and I was relieved to find I was really happy about it and still am. So, my worry/pressure was for nothing.
Anyway good luck for when it does happen! My proposal wasn’t at all what I dreamt of (I was in my workout clothes with no makeup carrying my cat’s litterbox up the stairs) but it was still great.
Post # 9
My SO has clearly watched too many Hollywood movies. When I first brought up getting engaged/married, he was like, “But it needs to be a surprise! Now I know you’re going to say yes! And now you know it’s coming!” I laughed at that and reminded him that it’s probably smart to discuss something as big as marriage! I’m still waiting (not so patiently), but I’m hoping it will come sometime before the end of next summer…. and if he wants to surprise me with a ring, he can go ahead and do that (if I were a guy, I think I’d want all the help I could get). I am so excited for an engagement… but I have to admit, it is definitely frustrating at some times. I am such a Type A personality. I like to plan and have timelines and know excatly what is happening, so it is hard for me to sit back and hand the reins over to my SO. I do get quite anxious some days… especially those days when I see my friends and family posting about their engagements!
michy604: looks like you are very close to me 😉 (sorry, off topic!)
Post # 10
Yeah, once the couple has discussed and agreed to get married and gone ring shopping together, IMO they are already engaged.
But it obviously also meant something to FI to “surprise” you with the time and place and presentation of the ring. So I ‘d just stop talking about it and let him do it his way.
Post # 11
lalanono: I’m almost 23 and he’s 25!
Thanks everyone! I love all the support. I’m trying to just relax and not think about it so much – it helps me not bring it up!
Post # 12
I can relate. My SO told me in January 2013 he picked a ring out (hierloom ring). I thought, ‘A ring! He’ll propose in six months or so!’ He thought, ‘A ring! She knows I’m serious about marriage down the road!’ Obvious miscommunication on our part. Lol.
Now its almost 2015, and he promised it’d be before spring of next year. Sometimes a person is happy with the theory or idea before they are ready to accept the reality of it. We had our own arguments and tiffs before we evened it out. Now, we’re on the same page, we don’t fight over it, and he is excitedly resetting the ring.
I’d recommend going out and finding meaningful hobbies or work for yourself. That’s what helped me stop obsessing. A wedding and engagement comes and goes very quickly. So find something that engages (no pun intended) your mind enough you’d want to do it even after you were married, when life goes back to normal. Superficial hobbies, added gym hours, more books on my reading list, none of those helped me. Getting on track with work that was important to me and gave me a purpose did.
Post # 13
Oncebwe had my ring I considered us engaged. But I am pushy girl and once he told me I was the one I said, well, that’s us engaged then. I didn’t give him a second to breathe! In my opinion I would want to know why he is so strrssed. Its a mutual decision and if you have already gone ring shopping, what is on his mind? There us so much YouTube related pressure to engagement. As an independent woman I told him what it was and he laughedband agreed. I suppose you could say I proposed but I think you need to let him know there is noooo pressure. You both should be enjoying this amazing next step, not getting tense and wound up about it. Easier said than done I know. Hope you feel better soon.
Post # 14
- Wedding: June 2015 - Surrey, BC, Canada
Dreaming42: Oh really? I’m in Surrey BC 🙂 Hi neighbour!
I’m also Type A like that and like to have everything planned out/timelines in mind. Which is why our entire wedding is pretty much planned already. Haha. I’m sure there’s details I’m forgetting though. 🙂
Post # 15
Moorea12: I’m sorry you’re going through this, if it makes you feel any better I feel like you’ve just described the last few arguments my SO and I have had…
My SO and I celebrated our 8 year anniversary last week and I’ve officially considered myself “waiting” for the last 2 years. His reasons for not yet proposing are similar to your SO’s. He says he wants it to be perfect, I deserve the best ring, he wants it to happen when I least expect it etc.
Last weekend we got into an argument about engagement because I’m struggling to be patient, he told me 2 years ago that within the next 2 years he wanted to be married and have at least a baby on the way… welp, that timeline is well and truly passed and not even an engagement ring in sight.
I feel like my excitement has flown out the window. Our family and friends are constantly asking us “When will you two be getting engaged?” “What is taking so long?” “What is he waiting for?”, it makes it so much less exciting because when he does ask he feels like people will just say “oh well it’s about time” rather than being happy for us.