Lost… This is very long, but I need help… Please read

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@ambartsch:  I am so sorry for your loss. I would postpone at very least until you are sure of yourself. I understand you feeling too involved to get out But a conversation about your fears or postponing could at least buy you some time to either work on it and go forward feeling comfortable or move on all together. Good luck to you. 

Post # 4
Member
3756 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

First, I am so very sorry for the loss of your mom and your first husband. Regardless of the infidelity, that is still a great loss to bear. 

As far as your current relationship – do not take into consideration other people when deciding whether or no to stay. Don’t think about money that you’ve already spend on the wedding. It’s just money. It means nothing. Take the loan, put it in savings, and pay it all back if you decide to cancel. This is between you and your future husband. If you do not love him enough to spend the rest of your life with him, then please do both of you a favor and walk away. It will be so much more difficult to do after the wedding, so if you’re not invested now, then don’t make that mistake. 

Post # 5
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee

@ambartsch:  if you are not sure about the wedding then you need to call it off and either sort out your problems or end the relationship. Either way it wont be easy but it needs to be sorted before you do something that you really dont want to do. talk to your FI about how you have been feeling.

Post # 6
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@ambartsch:  And why exactly are you marrying this man?

It sounds like you have a lot of issues to work through before you can be a in a serious relationship again. You won’t be happy with anyone until you sort through your baggage.

Post # 7
Member
5883 posts
Bee Keeper

Don’t do it. Follow your heart that is telling you~ this is not the right thing for you.

Post # 8
Member
5483 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

Please trust me. It is much easier to go through the heartache of calling it off now, than three years from now when you feel the same as you do today, or worse :-/

Post # 9
Member
3934 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@ambartsch:   You say your FI is sweet, kind, and honest – which makes me think that if you wish to postpone the wedding, he would be understanding and accepting.  You have had major life traumas and perhaps have some degree of post traumatic stress?  Have you spoken with an individual or couples counselor?  Please be kind to yourself and take care of yourself – I hope you find peace with whatever decision you make.  

Post # 10
Member
935 posts
Busy bee

@ambartsch:  marriage is not something you are unsure of, there is no way you can sign a license and be unsure. you need to take a step back, take your time and reevaluate.

yeah I get the not hurting feelings thing but at the same time its not fair to him to marry him when you arent sure, its not right. he doesnt deserve that, and sure his mom will be angry, who could blame her, but at this point its better to be honest with yourself than to go into this not feeling 100% about it. this is the rest of your life here OP. I hope it all works out and you just have pre wedding jitters. 

Post # 11
Member
2992 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

No one should have to settle when it comes to marriage. NEVER get married just because it would cause grief to walk away from getting married. This is your life you are talking about here.

Post # 12
Member
2169 posts
Buzzing bee

@ambartsch:  First I want to say, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and your mother. I cannot imagine how difficult those experiences have been for you.

As for your current situation, please, please, please, talk to your FI and postpone so that you can take the time you need to think about this situation and consider what you really want to do. At the end of the day, it’s much easier to call things off right now than to get a divorce after everything is said and done.

It’s just not fair to you or him to pretend that there is nothing wrong here and hope that things will just get fixed magically. You need to talk to your FI about it and figure out if there is anything you can do or not. If not, it is not fair to either of you to continue the relationship, as both parties deserve to be in a loving relationship where they are treasured and loved and make a significant impact in the other person’s life. No, settling for someone you would be indifferent to losing is not the answer. Not for you. Not for him. And honestly, starting over is easier at an earlier age, for both of you. So if that’s what will inevitably happen, it’s better to do it sooner rather than later.

I get it, you don’t want to disappoint his famiy. These people have become very close to you (esp his mother) and you don’t want to lose them. However, it will be 1000x harder on them if you leave him down the line.

Figure all of this out before the wedding. Don’t put any more money into the wedding until you figure these things out. Trust me, figuring this out should be the most important thing on your relationship agenda right now.

Post # 14
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

You can’t marry someone just because “there is nothing wrong with him”. The way I see it, settling for someone is pretty selfish, because you are preventing that person from finding someone who thinks they are amazing and with whom they have chemistry.

You know what you need to do; please do yourself and your FI a huge favour and end it before this goes any further.

I don’t mean to be harsh, and I know you’ve been through a lot, but my heart breaks for your fiance just reading what you think of him.

Post # 15
Member
4827 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

@ambartsch:  Probably not a good idea to compare past “hell” and suffering to your current romantic relationship, lol!

I will say.. butterflies fade. Passion is important but also diminishes with time. Do you have a strong relationship otherwise? Do you love and respect him? Does he make you feel pretty, loved, strong, and important every day, even if the sparks have dimmed?

Post # 16
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I don’t know why you’re even considering marrying this guy. I get that it’s comfortable to have someone in your life but don’t marry him if you’re not ready, and it sounds like you’re not! With all this going on in your past take your time to heal… Maybe you’ll marry your new BF later, maybe never, but I think you can hear yourself how ridiculously rushed it is to marry him at this point – you’re obviously not ready. Take care of your self… 

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