Love and Drugs… and Excuses

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I’m sorry this is happening, and I know what it’s like.  I’ve dealt with similar behavior in past relationships.  It sounds like you’re ready to move on, and I don’t blame you.  You need to take care of yourself, first and foremost, and you can’t do that with someone blowing your money on booze and weed and never making an effort to help, even if he wants to.

Post # 4
Member
42546 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Avalein:  If you are ok with living like this, stay. If you are not, leave.

 

Post # 5
Member
5017 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Avalein:  I would 100% not be okay with this at all. In my opinion,  I think that shit (illegal drugs – drinking constantly) needs to stop when you become an adult and are in a serious relationship. I wouldn’t put up with it.

Honestly, I would probably sit him down and let him know he needs to stop NOW, or the wedding is off. If he continues to have issues with it but is making an effort, maybe postpone the wedding? But he gets ONE chance to fix it – no more. 

Post # 6
Member
724 posts
Busy bee

Deep love and incompatibility are not mutually exclusive. That has probably been the most agonizing lesson learned in my adulthood so far.

I’m so sorry you’re facing this — it’s really hard to think about a different path, especially when you’re financially and logistically (of course emotionally as well) invested in this one.

Post # 8
Member
80 posts
Worker bee

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But ultimately, people with addictions are almost always going to remain that way. Someone I know in my life was THE SAME as you’ve described your FI.

if the partying and consumption began pre dating it’s almost implied to him that you’re okay with it. However, when there is a joint future at stwke, not to mention a child you have to really take a step back and picture yourself 10 years down the track. Could you do it? Be as frustrated as you are now with someone who won’t pull their weight? 

My ‘thing’ is if they haven’t grown up by 27 they nev will. And why? Because they can. Because he’s got a loyal fiancé, he’s got a roof over his head and someone to put food on his place. He becomes complacent, and if u are ever to bring this up, don’t be surprised if he reacts angrily (I sincerely hope he does not!)

addicts give up when THEY want to. Otherwise, you’re almost like an enabler, giving him love respect and a partner when their priorities are not a mirror of yours.

i honestly think anyone deserves better. and don’t be glossed over by his good side eith because let me tell you. ANYONE has that.

sending you hugs and I hope you find the right answer!

ps sorry if I’m a little foreword, my best friend had a similar situation and this topic is very close to my heart.

Post # 9
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

It will never get better until it hits rock bottom and be realizes he needs to get better for himself. His addictions will always be his number one priority, not you – and I’m not saying that to be rude, it’s a fact of addiction in general. 

it it doesn’t sound to. E like this relationship is very healthy, and as @jules1949 said, if you are okay with it, stay. If you are not, leave. Do it before the papers are signed… You will likely find another person when you are ready who shares your enjoy, and think of your like 20, 30, 40 years from now – which person would make your life happier and more satisfied and more importantlyrics, healthier. 

Post # 10
Member
2092 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Avalein:  I’m sorry to say that he is an alcoholic, and addict or both (most likely both since they go hand in hand). Things will not change because he see no problem whatsoever. To an addict or alcoholic, there absolutely is nothing more important than the next drink or hit. That includes your relationship. It is just as plain and simple as that. Drinking and getting high is more important to him than your happiness is. Sounds harsh but that is a fact. He has not changed because he does not want to change and he sees no problem with his life the way it is right now. He may tell you otherwise, but trust me…that’s how it is for him. His reality is a compltely different world than your reality.

Nothing will ever change for him unless he truly recongizes the problem, admits that he has the problem, seeks help for it and makes his sobriety the very top priority of his life, for the rest of his life. It is possible to turn your life around, but let me tell you first hand that it is the most difficult thing he will ever do, and if he has a fighting chance to succeed he needs to be dead serious about it. But it is a very complicated disease. It one of the only diseases that tells you you’re not sick…that everything is ok…things are not that bad when really it’s dire straights.

Many alcoholics never get a handle on it and will live a life of misery and die that way too..

My advice is to move on…

 

 

 

Post # 11
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

He has to want to change and right now he doesn’t. If things stay the same way they always were, they will be how they are. You have to change. I would not only cancel the wedding but also move out. 

Post # 12
Member
2092 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@AlwaysSunny:  +10000! If you always do what you always did, you’ll always get what you always got. I’d rock his world and cancel the wedding, move out. But don’t count on him changing or getting sober. Getting married is not important to him anyway….drinking and getting high is. Don’t tie yourself to this guy for life the way he is now. 

Post # 13
Member
989 posts
Busy bee

@Avalein:  the bottom line is, if he wanted to do any of the things he said he wants to do, he would have. I was in a relationship long ago where he would tell me all these things he wanted to do (quit drugs) because it’s what he knew I wanted to hear, and he thought that somehow I would never find out he was full of shit. In the end, I walked away- there were too many lies on his part and I was just done with it all. I know it’s not quite the same as your relationship with your FI, but really, saying he’s going to quit, and the numerous other things he has said he wants to do but hasn’t – is the same as lying. It’s misleading at the very least. It’s really up to you to consider that if things remain the same and nothing changes, will you be happy 10 years from now? Of course, people can and DO change, but he hasn’t seemed to have made any kind of effort to do that.

Post # 14
Member
4223 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Do not marry someone with an unmanaged addiction. Wait. 

Post # 15
Member
4827 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

@Avalein:  I have also been in a similar situation. Your fiance to be honest is an addict and will only get better with an intensive rehabilitation program. I know it’s hard to admit that but PLEASE do not marry into that if you are not ready to help him through recovery. If it were me (and it was me in the past), I would walk away.

Post # 16
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

All the PPs are right. This is clearly addiction. Even if he wants to, he won’t be able to just decide one day to change. It would take an entire process of rehabilitation, and that ONLY when he is ready. No matter how much he wants to do it to please you, that wouldn’t be enough.

I’m afraid leaving is really the only option you have, other than living with an addict. Not excellent options. But you are right: you ARE living life in Capital Letters. We all should be.

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