Post # 1
I was just reading a post which broke my heart! Basically one of the Bees wanted to break off her engagement. All of her heartache may have been avoided if her couples therapist had begun their sessions with BOUNDARIES! Don’t have money for a couples therapist? Meet Dr. Harley. His book has saved my life! It’s called "Love Busters: Overcoming the Habits that Destroy Romantic Love." You can buy a copy, or download it for FREE. Want a shortcut? Dr. Harley has Questionnaires on his website so you can get to your issues NOW. (But it makes more sense if you’ve read the book.)
His book helped me see that my ex-BF was no good for me and helped me establish boundaries with my FI so we have a healthy foundation to build from.
A short example of my Love Busters (things I’ll leave him for…in a heartbeat):
1. Cheating. We have defined exactly what that means to us.
2. Physical, emotional, or psychological abuse of ANYONE or even OUR PETS.
3. Rooting for the Nebraska Cornhuskers (who wants to argue for 7 mos. of the year??)
4. Dishonesty. Little white lie? Maybe. Outright lie? No. If you can’t tell me you had to have done something REALLY WRONG.
What are some of your Love Busters?
Don’t know? Check out this FREE Love Busters Questionnaire. You’d be surprised how it can get to the core of what really bugs you!!
Post # 3
I would agree with most of your list:
cheating, abuse, dishonesty.
But also- changing his mind about certain live events- having kids, living near family.
I know I want kids and I want to be within driving distance of my family- if he couldn’t agree to those things (or changed his mind about them) I would have to rethink my committment.
Post # 4
My list is:
cheating, abuse and illegal activites.
Post # 5
@rosychicklet: Living withing driving distance of my family used to be on my list…but it has since dropped off. Either my family got more annoying (YES) or I am just more comfortable being away from them since living on my own for 9 years (YES AND YES). But I agree with you about the kids thing. That’s a HUGE factor for a lot of people!!
@MissStellar: LOL about illegal activities…does that include speeding? Because I am SOOO guilty! And my FI tells me to slow down all the time! But definitely a good one to have on the list!! (Just added to mine, thank you!)
Post # 6
#1 on my list: CHEATING!
You can’t marry the "love of your life" with someone else on your mind…
Post # 7
same as you all: cheating, abuse and lying
Post # 8
We discussed this very early on in our relationship & both have the same list: cheating, abuse, & lying.
Post # 9
Cheating, obviously. Also, abuse of illegal substances would probably be one for me. I grew up in that situation and could not/would not want to deal with it. Any kind of abuse. Changing his mind about kids would be a big one for me too.
Post # 10
- Wedding: August 2009 - St. Thomas of Villanova Church & the F.U.E.L. House
Mine are the same four as MightySapphire’s. I’d also add if Mr. MagPie stopped supporting my aspirations — even after talking about it.
Post # 11
My first engagement was called off after I was verbally and emotionally abused. It was horrible, even my mom told me she was glad to have me back afterward. Not that I was gone, I just wasn’t myself. So someone doing that is my absolute #1. Cheating is up there. Illegal activities is a definite yes, along with lying. And I agree with MagPie, if he didn’t support my dreams, then "so long".
Post # 12
the bachelor party going too far…
Post # 13
I would say #1, #2 and #3 (sort of). It depends on the "dishonestly" – little white lie = not as bad as big lie, to me. Or, maybe if he like murdered someone. (Is that weird to have thought of this…believe me, no violent past for him!! Just trying to think of the worst things a person can do!)
Other than that, I am pretty sure that I know all the bad about my FI and have agreed to it anyhow!
Post # 14
I agree with all of these-they are crisis points in a marriage, except that I would not be willing to say they are dealbreakers. Marriage is for eternity (IMHO). As much as I would like to say I would walk out on my FH if he did any of these things, I cannot. Although I would want to, and have even left a previous ex b/c he cheated, the fact that I am willing to stand before God and pledge myself to this person forever means that I am willing to work through whatever life will throw at me. My parents have been together for 48 years and I know they have withstood a lot. I admit I can’t even begin to think of all the issues we will face (As most of us can’t I am sure!), but I can say that I am willing to be present and perservere and we will work through them together!
Post # 15
You are a better woman than I, @flbeachbride! I believe marriage is forever, but believe that physological and emotional abuse (of which cheating is a subset) is a dealbreaker for me.
Post # 16
You absolutely got our big three. We actually went to rival schools, but manage to deal with that pretty well.
For us, one of the really big things was agreeing on how to deal with combining our households. He has two kids, and two pets, all of whom were problematic in my opinion. Neither of the pets was very well housebroken, and both the kids were spoiled beyond belief (we’re talking an 18 and 20 year old who had never had jobs, never had checking accounts(!), never been expected to do any chores around the house, including basic picking up after themselves). I don’t have any kids of my own, and while his kids are basically good people (pleasant, thoughtful, never been in any serious trouble) I wasn’t about to undertake to be their housekeeper and indefinate financial support. We worked out a detailed list of the things that had to be different, and also a pretty strict plan as far as the extent to which we would support them financially, and for how long. Luckily he agreed that he had done a pretty poor job of teaching them any degree of independence, and also agreed that it was really in their best interest to strongly encourage them to be more responsible.
@beachbride – I agree with you, up to a point. One of the things we also agreed on is that marriage should be forever. You have to commit to try to resolve your problems, not walk away from them.
However, I also happen to think that when one partner has cheated, that person has already walked away from the relationship rather than trying to resolve whatever issue made them think they weren’t getting everything they needed at home. And realistically, it takes two people to work out any problem. My husband’s ex-wife cheated on him, and when he caught her, she refused to go to counseling and refused to stop seeing the other guy. I absolutely know that my husband is the kind of guy who would be committed to working out any kind of problem if he thought there was a chance, but at that point he asked his ex to leave, changed the locks, and called an attorney. And I think he was right. Blatant or repeated infidelity is more than disrespect – it is at least emotional blackmail, if not emotional abuse.