Post # 1
He loves me without any question. However, the affection is limited to none; until I seek it…Which is not fair. I feel like I’m constantly showering him with affection and he completely adores it. It would be nice to get some in return without bickering about it. Yes, he is aware.
Love and affection is completely different. It’s crucial in a long lasting relationship (for me that is). Who doesn’t want to feel close, safe and cared for?
I’m having second thought about this whole engagement. Am I overreacting? How important is affection for you?
Post # 3
I’m sorry 🙁 Of course you want affection! Relationships take work and he needs to man up and make more of an effort.
This was an issue in my last long term relationship, before FI. We were together for 5 years and I was ALWAYS the one showing affection, I had no doubt he loved me. We discussed it over and over and nothing changed. One day I decided I was going to stop showing him affection, in hopes he’d pick up the slack. Unfortunately he didn’t and it pushed us further away from one another, evenutally we realized we were just really great friends who lived together and broke up.
I don’t think you’re overreacting. After finding someone who’s completely compatiable with me and gives me just as much affection as I give him, I could never imagine going back.
I know you said he’s aware, maybe you could try counselling? Sometimes the unbiased third party is really helpful.
Good luck <3
ETA: 5, everyone is different, but if you consider it a 5 and he considers it a 1 you may have a problem.
Post # 4
@ImaStarr: Thanks for the advice. i guess there is no harm trying.
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
It’s definitely a 5 to me, and I’m lucky that my guy is very affectionate. I think it’s pretty crucial that your “languages of love” (google it! Great website) at least somewhat match up….
Post # 6
Ahhh. Well I think I am in this situation. My husband is super affectionate, and I’m not. And sometimes we do fight about it. I try to be affectionate, but I think that made him even more mad that I have to “try”. The thing that frustrates me is I think that he thinks affection has something to do with my attraction to him or how much I love him.
We got married, and it hasn’t changed. I mean, I do try. And sometimes we talk about it — but I don’t think it’s something we would have ever split up over. It has gotten better. For me I just grew up in a home where we were not affectionate and did not say I love you a lot. So I am trying to work on it.
Maybe he grew up like that too?
Post # 7
I’d say a 10!! Affection is very important and SO and I are not shy about giving it to each other.
Post # 8
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Read the 5 Love Languages. It may not make it all better, but it could help you understand that he does show you affection, just in different ways than you show affection.
That said, physical contact (cuddling, random hugs and kisses, holding hands, etc.) and verbal affection (lots of “I love you” and the like) are essential for me. I need them in order to feel loved and appreciated.
Post # 9
5 for me, about a 3 for my FI, but we compromise. He gives it to me because he knows thats what I need and i try not to overshower him with affection b/c at times i know it can make him uncomfortable.
Post # 10
Big fat 5! I needs me cuddles!
Post # 11
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
It’s a 5 for me. Is he trying? Maybe he’s just being affectionate in ways that he perceives to be affectionate but you don’t. Have you read The 5 Love Languages?
Post # 12
@ctobride2be: For me affection is paramount, so I would say 5, and my husband feels the same way. We’re very affectionate with each other all day, every day. We wouldn’t have it any other way.
If you need a lot of affection and your FI isn’t an affectionate man, this could mean you speak very different “love languages.” It isn’t necessarily a matter of right or wrong, but just personal differences.
I would recommend reading the book, “The Five Love Languages,” together with your FI to learn to understand each other better about what expressions of love mean the most to each of you. And you can both learn to compromise; that’s what love involves – meeting the needs of the other person to the best of your ability, even if it sometimes means getting a little out of your own comfort zone. (For example, he can learn to be a little more affectionate since that is something you want and need.)
Post # 13
5 – I am a very touchy feely person.
Post # 14
i say if hes not affectionate now dont expect him to change. If hes like this now hes likely been this way all his life and will continue to be this way. This doesnt mean he doesnt love you. i guess it depends on whether or not you can deal with that for the rest of your life.
Affection to me is extremely important, i like to show it and i like for it to be reciprocated.
Post # 15
I would say a 4.. It’s very important to me but at the same time, I don’t like to feel like I’m smothered. There is such a thing as TOO MUCH for me.
Post # 16
5+ for me. For us, we show our love and trust through affection. Our relationship wouldn’t exsist without it.