@rosetea: Hi rosetea, I also started seeing my FI at 14. We are now 23, about to turn 24, and we will have been together for 10 years when we get married next summer.
First of all, I think it is normal that you are feeling this uncertainty. You are still very young and you are about to make a big, lifelong commitment. I think it’s natural to be considering whether this is truly the right decision for you. So I think you should stop feeling guilty for questioning things.
However, only you can make the call as to whether this is just pre-wedding jitters or whether you’ve fallen out of love. And only you can decide whether you want to and can save this relationship. You will need to tread carefully though since you are already engaged – you will need to be sure before you make any decisions.
When I was 20, I went through a patch where I freaked out a bit. FI and I had been together for 6 years at that point. My parents got married at 6 years and when we crossed that anniversary I thought “Oh my god, this is actually a really serious relationship we’re in. I could be with this person my whole life. Is that what I want?”
Around the same time, my best friend broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years because she wasn’t feeling it any more. They had grown apart as they grew up and although he was still a great person she didn’t feel he was the guy for her. She is now engaged to a wonderful man who was at university with us, and they are also getting married next summer.
For me, her break-up made me absorb the fact that it is possible to fall out of love and that you might be together for years and then end it. So that also contributed to my freak-out period. However, after a couple of months of being unsure I realised that I did truly love FI and that no man I had ever met compared to him. Our relationship has gone from strength to strength since then.
Every relationship needs working on, all the time. Good ways to bring that spark back are by going out and doing different things (eg. go to the zoo, go to a Christmas market, the theatre, whatever as long as it shakes up what you usually do together), by doing nice things for him (eg make him a cake), and by having more sex (if you have sex before marriage) or connecting physically in other ways.
There is also a difference between new relationship love, and the teenage love we’ve both experienced, and lasting love, and it’s ok for your feelings of love to change over time. This passage from Captain Corelli’s Mandolin has always resonated with me:
“Love is a temporary madness,
it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides.
And when it subsides you have to make a decision.
You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together
that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.
Because this is what love is.
Love is not breathlessness,
it is not excitement,
it is not the promulgation of eternal passion.
That is just being “in love” which any fool can do.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away,
and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.
Those that truly love, have roots that grow towards each other underground,
and when all the pretty blossom have fallen from their branches,
they find that they are one tree and not two.”
Hope this helps, Audrey2