Love or in love

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
4043 posts
Honey bee

@rosetea:  If you don’t mind answering, how old are you both and how long have you been together?

Personally, I married my DH after 10 years of dating. We were definitely out of the honeymoon stage, but I felt and still do feel strongly in love with him and care/love him deeply. I never doubted marrying him because I felt completely ready. But, we also waited a number of years until we both felt prepared for marriage.

I would say to honestly take a good look at your relationship and situation. Doubt is necessarily wanting to end a relationship, but it may be a sign to slow down a little. 

ETA: Just read one of your other posts. I believe you are around 20 and that is still really young. Being young isn’t bad, but it may mean you are not ready for a lifelong committment. I too started dating my DH around 15 and married him at 25. Like another PP said in your other thread, you both may be growing up and growing apart. 

Post # 5
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@rosetea:  I both love and am in love with my dh. Sure my in love is different to what it was when we first started dating but it’s still there. I can’t imagine being more than flattered if a guy friend were to say that to me. I certainly don’t think I’d be thinking about who he likes. My dh is convinced at least 2 of my guy friends liked me but to honest I don’t give it much thought, I spend time with them still and it doesn’t even cross my mind because I love my husband.

Is it possible you are missing the rush and thrill of first dating? I find a weekend away helps with that. You sound like you are starting to realise whoserious marriage and life long commitment is and you are worried you’ll miss the single life? To be honest only you truly know your relationship so only you can know if it is just fear. The bit I don’t understand is why you care so much if he likes you, if you love your fi and you think of him only as a friend, he knows you are taken, I don’t quite see the issue unless he is making moves in which case you’d need to either tell him to stop, stop seeing him or decide if you’d rather be with him. But in all honesty would he be as good of a partner, sure he could match hat you had with your fi in the beginning but would you ever be able to love him like you do your fi?

To answer your question about knowing I’m in love, we can be apart for a few hours and I still miss him. Anytime things don’t go according to plan I talk to him. When something good happens him and my family are the first people I call. Ican’t imagine my life without him and even although I love my guy friends (as friends and they know i love them like friends and brothers) the love I have for them is very different to the love I have for my husband.

Post # 7
9 posts

@rosetea: I have to second what @bmo88 said about not being ready yet for a lifelong commitment.  I was in a 5 year serious relationship before I got engaged at the age of 22.  I loved and cared for him deeply, but deep down I felt pressured into marrying him.  After months of struggling with this, I broke off the engagement.  It was a terrible thing to do and I will regret hurting him for the rest of my life.  But 3 years later I met the man of my dreams and will be marrying him next year.  I definitely don’t recommend doing what I did, but I think it’s important to follow your heart

Post # 8
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@rosetea:  Ok the age when you got together makes a difference. My dh and I started dating when I was 19 and got married just before I turned 22. He is 4 years older. I can imagine that it must be hard in the sense that you spent so long growing up with him while you were both changing so much. I know my dh and I have changed a lot together from when I was 19 till now. He was my first real bf but I had a few flirtations before him. He’d dated 3 other girls before me. I think for you you’ve never even had those flirtations, you’ve never gone out with friends while single really so I can understand the fear.

In the end this is your choice, may talk to him about a long engagement. Give yourself some time to think things over, maybe spend a weekend away somewhere without him (not saying go looking for a guy or act single just take some time to think). Give yourself sometime away from all the pressure so you can figure yourself out. If you are studying maybe transfer for a semester(if you can) to give yourself some space and time to think.

We spent nearly a year in different cities (12 hours drive away from each other) before we got married and that solidified us because we realised we never wanted to do that again.

Post # 10
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1994

I think the level of intensity and excitement tones down over time. Pretty natural over a long period of time. I find enjoyment in spending time together, being loved, laughing together, going out together (and with friends). We are a huge support to one another and make eachother feel comfortable. We’re eachothers best friend, and adore one another. I think in the long run, having those things, and knowing you’re a good team is what makes marriage last in the long run. Not the initial attraction of a new relationship.

Post # 11
2051 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@rosetea:  Hi rosetea, I also started seeing my FI at 14. We are now 23, about to turn 24, and we will have been together for 10 years when we get married next summer.

First of all, I think it is normal that you are feeling this uncertainty. You are still very young and you are about to make a big, lifelong commitment. I think it’s natural to be considering whether this is truly the right decision for you. So I think you should stop feeling guilty for questioning things.

However, only you can make the call as to whether this is just pre-wedding jitters or whether you’ve fallen out of love. And only you can decide whether you want to and can save this relationship. You will need to tread carefully though since you are already engaged – you will need to be sure before you make any decisions.

When I was 20, I went through a patch where I freaked out a bit. FI and I had been together for 6 years at that point. My parents got married at 6 years and when we crossed that anniversary I thought “Oh my god, this is actually a really serious relationship we’re in. I could be with this person my whole life. Is that what I want?”

Around the same time, my best friend broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years because she wasn’t feeling it any more. They had grown apart as they grew up and although he was still a great person she didn’t feel he was the guy for her. She is now engaged to a wonderful man who was at university with us, and they are also getting married next summer.

For me, her break-up made me absorb the fact that it is possible to fall out of love and that you might be together for years and then end it. So that also contributed to my freak-out period. However, after a couple of months of being unsure I realised that I did truly love FI and that no man I had ever met compared to him. Our relationship has gone from strength to strength since then.

Every relationship needs working on, all the time. Good ways to bring that spark back are by going out and doing different things (eg. go to the zoo, go to a Christmas market, the theatre, whatever as long as it shakes up what you usually do together), by doing nice things for him (eg make him a cake), and by having more sex (if you have sex before marriage) or connecting physically in other ways.

There is also a difference between new relationship love, and the teenage love we’ve both experienced, and lasting love, and it’s ok for your feelings of love to change over time. This passage from Captain Corelli’s Mandolin has always resonated with me:

“Love is a temporary madness,
it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides.

And when it subsides you have to make a decision.

You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together 
that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.

Because this is what love is.

Love is not breathlessness, 
it is not excitement, 
it is not the promulgation of eternal passion.

That is just being “in love” which any fool can do.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, 
and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

Those that truly love, have roots that grow towards each other underground, 
and when all the pretty blossom have fallen from their branches, 
they find that they are one tree and not two.”


Hope this helps, Audrey2

Post # 12
3394 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@rosetea:  This is how I know I differentiate love and being in love. Love is a broad feeling associated with appreciation, joy, friendship, just an all around good feeling about that person. To be in love is different. It’s more like a need and a want. A pull. I’m not at all talking about crazy, firey, puppy dog love. Maybe satisfaction is a good word. I both need and want to be with my fiance. I am completely satisfied with him. There is a comfort in his arms that I have never felt with anyone else. I don’t look at other men and wonder or think about what they are like or how they feel about me because it’s a moot point. They are not my “one”. He is my “one and only”. I just know. No matter what, until the day I die, I could never forget him or move on from him.

Post # 13
9 posts

@rosetea:  How did I know my first engagement wasn’t right?  When I first him, he was the sweetest guy I had ever met.  He brought me flowers every week and surprised me with small gestures of affection.  His persistence eventually won me over and overall I was really happy being in a relationship with him.  Over time though, the gestures of affection faded and I felt like I was putting a lot more in to take care of him. I loved him very much, but it was also very frustrating because I often felt like I wasn’t heard.  On top of that he wanted to have kids right away and move to New Jersey immediately after marriage which is far away from both our families.  I was not ready for either or those and as the pressure mounted I started freaking out.  I started crying all of the time and acting out by yelling at him for no apparent reason. I still feel incredible remorse for being such a b*tch, but in hindsight it was because deep down I knew we weren’t right for each other.

Anyway, if you have any doubts or concerns, I highly recommend discussing them with your fiance. If you feel really good after these talks then it’s a good sign.  For me, it was a red flag that I felt worse every time I talked to him.

Post # 13
25 posts
  • Wedding: May 2014

rosetea: This is my 2nd time being engaged to the same guy… after he asked 3 times before!!! Crazy I know! But we were only a few months away from our first wedding date when I decided to postpone because I wanted to be absolutely sure that I was making the right decision and that he was making the right decision at that point we had been together for 4 years. We did not talk to each other for almost 2 months!!! We both came to the conclusion that we loved each other and I must say that we have been even more IN LOVE since we have been back together.  During the 5 years that we have been together it has definatley been a point where I have hung out with my single friends and saw how much fun it looks to be BUT I also have saw the not so fun part of the single life and lived it. I am also young in my 20’s but I will say the grass isn’t always green on the other side and all relationships need work and you have to make sure your doing your part and evaluate the whole situation before you make decisions you may regret.  With all that being said… talk to your fiance!!! Let him know how you feel! If you are having doubts wait it out!!!! You don’t have to get married right away… Good luck!

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