Post # 1
I have a major problem. I’m getting married in a few months to a super sweet guy that I love. The problem? He’s dead poor, doesn’t have a job.
When he proposed he bought me the smallest diamond I’ve seen on anyone and totally not what I told him I wanted design wise. I expressed to him so many times how important my engagement ring was to me and that he shouldn’t buy me senseless jewelry because the only thing I cared about was my engagement ring. Still, he spent maybe 1/4 of what I thought he would on my ring. At the time he proposed we had been dating for 7 years so I thought he had enough time to save for something nicer.
He just turned 29 and is jobless – by choice. He’s left his last two jobs because he hated them. He’s never made more than 50K a year and we live in a very expensive city! My income keeps us comfortable…
Needless to say I’m feeling super uneasy about our future. I cringe at the thought of having to sacrifice things I’d like in life (a nice house, vacation home, car, travel) because of his income. I know I’m sounding like a shallow bitch but I can’t help to think my lifestyle is going to suffer because of his lack of ambition. Am I being crazy unreasonable here? Are my feelings justified?
Post # 2
This is just occurring to you after 7 years?
Post # 3
This sounds like a deep underlying issue that you need to communicate about before getting married. Premarital counseling would be a great idea.
Post # 4
guestlistwoes: Clearly it’s not his drive or ambition that you love.
What is it about this lazy lout that makes you want to marry him?
How does he make your life better?
Post # 5
I dont think it’s unwise or materialistic AT ALL to consider someone’s ambition, work ethic, responsibility and financial circumstances/habits when considering them as a life partner- so yeah I get you. But I do not get why youd expect an expensive ring or lifestyle with this guy…
He’s used to relying on you- you’ve given him the option to be “jobless by choice” it sounds. He’s probably perfectly comfy like this and people do notttttt change just because they’re married.
If you want a guy who’s gung ho about supporting, bread winning, providing for a family- then yeah, don’t marry this guy. Loves not enough- life is hard. You want someone you can rely on- not a dead weight.
Post # 6
guestlistwoes: is he the nurturing, domestic type that would make him a perfect stay at home parent? Or is he unambitious both inside and outside the home?
Not sure what it is you’re expecting from him
Post # 7
Not making more than $50K at 29 is certainly not a crime. There are many people in this world who will not ever make that kind of money. However, if your FI is being very irresponsible with his employment situations, that definitely would concern me.
You noted that he’s quit the last two jobs he has had. Have any of his reasons for quitting been valid, or is he quitting jobs simply because he does not like them or they’re “too hard”? (Many people have had to spend years in jobs they do not like just so they can support themselves and their families.) How much time has he been willing to give a job before deciding it’s not for him? How soon after he’s quit a job has he made efforts to find a new one? How long has it taken him to find a new job? How does he spend his time when he is unemployed?
Post # 8
Have you had a discussion with him? Tell him that working is essential. I do agree with you that working and making a living, is important in a partnership. And if you 2 did not agree to something along the lines of you being the only individual in the relationship to work & support you both, he needs to get his butt in gear. I don’t agree however with the whole ring size being inadequate because it’s not up to a certain standard. That ring was chosen out of love. What material things we have do not define our wealth. Yor 2 should really communicate more about what each of you needs in the relationship. Best of luck.<br />
Post # 9
- Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard
guestlistwoes: do you guys live together? if so, did he discuss quitting his jobs with you before? These are adult discussions that affect both parties. If he can’t discuss openly and both you decide together how it will affect the relationship he is not ready for marraige. At 29 and after 7 years, I’m guessing that you have enabled some if this behavior and must accept done if the blame.
If it were me, it’s not too late to change it around if you truly love him and can’t live without him and not just choosing someone for a lifestyle.
Postpone any wedding plans until 1) he gets a steady job and 2) you both seek counseling and communication classes. I think once both of those have been accomplished you will then resize what you truly want and whether to move forward.
Post # 10
uncltredpearl: yes, thats the thing. i can always count on a clean apartment, food on the table when i come home, the bed made…even when he has a job.
MrsTtoB: we did discuss it. he was being verbally abused at his last job and it wasnt in the field he wanted to be in so we talked about it and I agreed he should leave and find something else. I guess it just didnt cross my mind that it would be so much pressure on me.
Brielle: hes never not had a job. this is the very first time. hes given anywhere from 4-5 months to each job. when hes unemployed he spends his time looking for jobs. hes only been unemployed for a few weeks.
Post # 11
So he quits one job before finding another (a decision you came to together) and wont make more than 50k/yr.
Basically, you could have summed up your entire post into one sentence – you don’t like being the breadwinner.
Now you have to decide whether you love him more than you hate being the breadwinner. Which is more important to you? Your relationship with your current partner, or having a partner with a higher income?
Post # 12
I wouldnt be happy with someone who had no ambition. I don’t know what adult in the real world quits a job without another lined up.. But I guess when someone else will financially support him while he acts irresponsibly it’s all good.
what I don’t understand is how this is just occurring to you after 7 years together..
Post # 13
KC-2722: was that supposed to be your piece of advise? obviously it didnt just “occur” to me. He got his first real job last summer and it was a freelance job. And it paid very well. This last year hes been bouncing around jobs and its making me nervous now. I thought last year was the start of his long term career…
Post # 14
guestlistwoes: He sounds like he can’t commit to one job sounds like an ex of mine. However, he’s only 29, what did he study in college or major in? What are his goals and ambitions? I know you say he doesn’t have any, but everyone has them, some just feel they can never accomplish them and just don’t have the drive, or necessary means to. For example, I want to be a writer, but at my stage in life, I just don’t have the means to focus solely on writing, so I got a good paying job (far less than you FH’s 50K job, by the way) and use that to pay the bills and when I get the chance write.
I’m the breadwinner in my husband and I’s relationship, I make more than him, however he does most of the childcare and household related things. So I don’t mind, but that’s how we set it up. Does this mean we want to forever have me as the breadwinner, working opposite schedules so that our daughter can stay out of daycare? No, but we do what works. We will evnetually have better paying jobs that we like or bring us closer to our real amibition, but we have this drive. We have talked about future plans. Sit your FH down and talk to him about this. Have you talked to him about this?
Is there any specific reason he doesn’t like staying in one job? My husband’s had the same job for nearly 5 years. I’ve worked at the same place for over 5 years (different positions). Clearly neither my husband or I suffer from job jumping, but we stay in our jobs becuase we need to pay bills.
Post # 15
mrs.joiner: this really helped me feel a little less insecure about this whole thing. I guess I think 29 is old and we should have our finances in gear at this point. He does have a drive and things he is passionate about. I have spoken to him about this and he feels inadequate because I have a better job that I like and he cant seem to get his footing right. He didnt stay at the first job because he would sit around doing nothing all day (this was a new position and they didnt know what to do with it). The last job was because he was being verbally abused by clients on a daily basis.