- 5 years ago
I’ve recently been sharing some painful things about my past to my mother and my therapist so that I can take this opportunity to work on myself and get to a good spot in my life before I decide to enter another relationship. I’ve been told by both my doctor and my mother (who do not know each other) that I have very low self esteem. I was boggled by this and here’s why (giving you shortest version possible):
I’ve always been athletic and have never had a hard time academically. I never tried being the popular person, but I love people and people tend to really like me, too. I’ve always had a small group of friends because I always feel there’s a potential “hater” if you are surrounded by too many people; however, I always end up with people calling me for advice, checking up on me, or just plain-old chit chat. I love doing volunteer work and just speaking with any homeless person I meet. I walk into a room and people look at me….it’s probably because I’m short and I have to make up for it with my presence. 😉 As far as my personality, willingness to help ANYONE in need and what I feel to be inevitable professional success, I am VERY confident.
My issue is that I do not find myself attractive, and my failed luck with guys leaves me feeling like crap and validating this feeling. I think I am pretty fashionable (I try to overcompensate), strangers tell me that…but I do not find myself very pretty. I keep it to myself because I don’t want to be seen as that person “fishing for compliments”. I HATE when other people do that and frankly, no one likes that person. I’ve ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS felt that way, though…and have always kept it inside. I know it sounds stupid, but I was told that I was an ugly b*tch by a complete stranger in middle school and it stuck with me….along with many other instances that I just started recently talking about that I feel only validate that ridiculous incident. I try to let it go…but when it keeps happening—it’s hard to.
I’ve never really been asked on a lot of dates (probably because most of the guys that are looking for a quick hit know better than to come to me..lol), but I’m told I’m attractive sometimes. I feel like it’s the people who “have” to tell me I’m attractive. Liiiike—-my mother! When I was telling her about some of my experiences, she told me she didn’t realize I a)had so many secrets and b)had such low self esteem. She told me I give off this vibe like I am so confident, but when she speaks to me, she can tell I feel like crap and didn’t realize the hurt went so deep and so far back. My therapist told me the same thing.
Here’s my question: is it possible to have low self esteem when you are so confident in other areas of your life? I didn’t think I had low self esteem, especially when I left a relationship because I know that I deserved better…that’s not normal for a person with low self-esteem in my experience. I argued with her over it for a long time, and I started to do a little research. I just though self-esteem was an “all or nothing” type deal and I honestly feel like this is “mommy-encouragement”. I don’t want to disregard her concerns but…. I am her daughter. I don’t know. Just really confused about all of this. I want to work on myself and if this is an issue, I guess I would start with building self-esteem….however that works.