Post # 1
FI and I have been engaged since last Valentine’s Day 2010. We are planning to get married on Nov. 16th, 2013. We have an amazing relationship, he is incredible to me, and all that jazz. Except for one thing, and it’s kinda big. I am so very ashamed and it’s eating me up.
See, last week FI was out of town on business. My hot water heater quit and FI’s brother and his dad came over to put it a new one. Fi’s dad left. Fi’s brother was finishing up some things, I gave him a beer for his help, and he sat down and we started talking and having a few drinks. You see where this is going right?
Yes, Bees, we had sex. On the couch in the living room. OMG, I can’t believe I did that. I was pretty buzzed, but still knew what was going on. Afterwards, he got dressed abruptly and said he had to go. I texted him later that night to say we need to talk. He doesn’t respond. I kept waiting for the phone call from FI to say his brother told him what happened, but it never came. FI’s brother hasn’t ratted us out. And he probably won’t ever.
What the hell do I do?
Post # 3
If you want to stay with your FI, you have two choices.
1. You tell your FI, and run the risk of killing his relationship with you and with his brother, or have him take the high road, go through counseling with you, and you and the brother promise it will never happen again, and keep that promise.
2. You don’t tell him. You run the risk of him finding out some day, and being even more hurt or betrayed than he would be if he found out now.
Do you want to stay with him? I feel like there should be more to this story – a few drinks and all of a sudden you’re having sex with his brother? With no prior flirtation or attraction? Something does not add up.
Post # 4
I do not see how this could have happened if you are truely with the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. A few drinks shouldn’t be the cause of something like this. I think you have to tell your FI. He might leave or he might not, but either way it is something he needs to decide before you two get married. I am a big believer in the fact that this sort of stuff will slip out. You do not want him to feel like he is trapped or was tricked into getting married.
Post # 5
Yes, I want to stay with him.
And I wish there were more to the story. Drinking makes me aroused, it always has. FI and I have no problems with each other sexually. FI does look a lot like his brother, maybe subconsciously I am attracting to him too? I’d never thought about that because well, he will be my BIL one day, you know?
The chemistry is waaay better with my FI, for sure. I’m not sure what the feelings are on FI’s brother’s end of things. He’s never done any particularly flirtatious towards me.
Post # 6
Wow… umm I think you need to tell you fiance. If you don’t say anything it’s eventually going to come out.
Post # 7
Yikes. Hate to be the bearer of bad news but I don’t think you should marry your fiance. If you really loved him then you wouldn’t have been tempted to have sex with another man.
You need to tell your fiance, without a doubt. You can’t marry a man with that kind of secret. It will kill the relationship.
Post # 8
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
Yikes, have you ever had an open relationship with him? Have you cheated in the past? I don’t see how this could just randomly happen. Not judging, but if this is the guy you are in love with, it’s hard to understand how you could just randomly sleep with his brother.
I occasionally think that one-time, drunken, in-the-past instances of cheating can be kept a secret… but I don’t know how you could ever get away with, or get past, this! You have to tell your FI. Good luck, this sounds like a hell of a bad situation.
Post # 9
@guiltygal: I once read that you should tell your partner about cheating if you think it will help the relationship.
I’ve also read if you cheat you should go with the 2nd person/leave because if you were able to do that in the first place your love is questionable.
And I’ve also learned humans are humans and sometimes we just do things to explore and totally don’t think how it will all end up.
I know this is such a tough call. I feel for ya. Do you want to stay with him? Were you just curious? Do you find your FI attractive? Have you cheated before?
Please don’t forget you are 50 percent of this. Your future brother in law has a part in this too. I wouldn’t expect a call and I would just let that part go.
Ok…let’s say you don’t tell. How do you think you will manage being around him for the forseeable future?
Post # 10
How do I tell him without ruining his relationship with his brother? His parents will hate me. It may destroy their family. Is 15 minutes of a drunken mistake really worth all that?
Post # 11
Wow, very tough one. I think you need to tell him. Are you seriously going to be able to just act like nothing ever happened? Are you sure his brother won’t feel so guilty that he admits it at one point? What happens the next time you all drink together, is it so awkward things come out?
Truthfully, if my FI (now DH) EVER did that with one of my sister’s I wouldn’t be able to get over it; they’d both be out of my life. Do you think your FI will be able to get over it?
Post # 12
@lichtetheway: I do want to stay with him. I can’t imagine my life without him. I have never cheated on anyone ever, and I don’t even have feelings for his brother. I don’t know that I was curious, per se, it just happened. I know that sounds like bullshit, and I’d tell someone else that if they posted this, but I have no explanation.
I’m not sure what being around him will be like. We see each other fairly regularly, and have been alone together before, but not drinking. I don’t think either of us intended for this to happen beforehand, but nonetheless it did.
Post # 13
Whoops….I would get a new couch first of all, because you and your FI sitting on it now is just wrong, then I would take a real hard look at myself and what I just did and try and decide if this was a weak moment never to be repeated OR a manifestation of an unhappy relationship that I was trying to sabotage.
Regardless of which you choose, I would be VERY careful to NEVER mention this to FI and be certain that his brother is of the same mindset, if it was ANYONE else, I would say honesty is the best policy. But they’re brothers and this little drunken fling could potentially ruin their entire family!
PLUS, you run the risk of his brother having a crisis of conscience and confessing the whole thing…I think the ONLY way to spare your FI’s feelings, and leave this family in tact while still being a good person, is to break off the engagement and leave in the night without a word…but that’s not possible or even desirable….what a mess
Post # 15
Madtowngirl, your questions are the same as mine. And I wish I knew the answers. I’d love to move on like it never happened, but it will always be there in my mind. What if FI and I get in a fight one day and he’s venting to his brother, and brother spills it? Believe me, I’ve thought up some scenarios in which the news could come out.
Post # 16
@guiltygal: Sorry…just saw your response about chemistry…
I’m gonna go against the grain here and say, if you feel it’s in the best interest of the relationship, then don’t tell him. If you really want this man…life and all, then maybe the hurt you will cause him isn’t worth it. Not just because you are engaged but even if you were married. I know…my thoughts on this are not the norm. Maybe it’s because of my life experience. I KNOW you are tore up inside.
I could personally not do that but that may for you. Do you have a gf or a sister you can talk to?
I’ve been the other woman many times in my life (before some heavy therapy and reflection) and I can tell you I’ve seen both sides of telling…I’ve seen it help and hurt.
The other thing I think of is when we drink, I feel our true selves come out because alcohol disengages the part of the brain that we normally use to supress socially inappropriate behavior. Is it possible you are trying to sabotage this relationship? Or that you are freaked about getting married? Maybe make an appt with a therapist?
At least you are owning this…that’s a big deal. A lot of people would say “it just happened”. I think taking responsibility is really important here.