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I need some help from the beehive!
My fiance and I met with our photographer this weekend, not only to talk about all things photography, but also to work out the timing of the wedding day. We decided that the ideal time to start the ceremony would be 2:30 PM. Fine.
Fiance says we should print 2 PM on the invites because he can't trust his family and friends to show up on time - even though we're all staying at a hotel about a minute's walk from the church.
I was fine with this at first, but then when talking it over with my mom, she pointed out that some guests will be irritated that we started "30 minutes late" and won't be shy about bringing it up later at the reception.
Personally, I'm torn. Part of me thinks it's dumb to even worry about this, just print 2 PM, walk down the aisle at 2:30 and get over it. Another part thinks that it IS kind of rude to put 2 PM on the invite when we have no intention of starting til 2:30 - even though every single wedding I've ever been to has failed to start on time, I can see how guests would be annoyed. A third part is irritated that our adult guests can't/might not get their stuff together to arrive somewhere on time, which makes me just want to print 2:30 PM, start on time, and whoever misses the ceremony, misses the ceremony.
Agh! Any advice?
I think you should put 2pm. Can you have musicians play during that half hour? Or play a nice CD of music for the guests? My mom wants 30 minutes of music, so the anticipation can build before I walk down the aisle :)
What about putting the start time only 15 minutes ahead of your planned schedule. I would weigh in on the ceremony length and how disturbing it will be if there are latecomers.
My ex missed a good friend's ceremony because it was only about 10 minutes long.
If the ceremony will be a decent length (>20 mins) and latecomers wont disrupt the ceremony, then I wouldn't worry about it. If it would be a disruption or you know that there are a few people who will be late, I'd do the 15 minute difference instead of 30 minutes. I don't think it would be noticed as much.
we lied, and people were still late. We had 70% OOT guests, the wedding and reception were at the same hotel everyone was staying at, and we still started late. The invite said 7:15, we planned for 7:30, and guests were still taking their seats at 7:45! I was so angry. I was completely dressed, waiting in my room with what felt like a million people, for like 45 minutes waiting on guests to show up. trust me, lie to people.
I would print 2:30 p.m., and start just after 2:30. I think it's kind of weird to assume that your guests would be half an hour late to something as important as this, and yes, your guests would probably be annoyed if they made an effort to be on time and then you started late on purpose.
How about a nice in between time like 2:15? That's not as bad, and everyone will feel better!
Like you said, most ceremonies start late. So if you had to start at 2:45 because key members of his family were not present, would that be OK? If it's not then I say go ahead with lying about the start time.
What about your guests who arrive to things early?
I am an early person, i aim to be places around 15 minutes ahead of when I should ... so if your invite said 2pm, I would be there around 1:45 and then would have to sit around for 45 minutes?!
If I got wind I was purposefully mislead and wasted 45 minutes of my time sitting around I would be pretty irritated!
Lie. Go with 2pm. People are always late. Even for a wedding because they know deep down that they never start on time.
All great advice, thanks so much! I knew I'd get some answers here :)
Starting at 2:15 is probably the best solution. I know people will be late because I've seen them arrive late at other weddings where we were all guests. I've also waited two hours for the bride to show, so I know it sucks to wait too. Fifteen minutes is a good compromise because it allows for extra time, and it's not an obnoxiously long period to wait. Cause my grandma will be there at 1:45 and be the first to point out how late we started. LOL.
@Jacqui - music filling the time is a great suggestion, and I know a lot of guests would enjoy that, plus one of the 'maids is a classically trained opera singer and really wants to sing, so that may be a good time....
I like 365's idea: 2:15. It will also stick out in people's minds and they'll remember it better than 2 or 2:30.
I am arranging a trolley to take people out to the ceremony site so people better be there on time!
Agree with Ms Mini. I'm an early bird at things (I hate being late) and I would be p*ssed if I showed up somewhere for a 2pm ceremony (which means I would prob show up around 1:45 at the latest) and I had to sit around for 45 minutes. Make it 2:30 and if key family members aren't there, then start it a little late. I always find it so hard to believe that grown adults can't get places on time ;o)
I think you should put 2:30 out of courtesy for those who show up early/on time. I always get to weddings 15 min early and I would be so irritated if I sat there for 45 min before anything happened. I'd think someone was getting stood up.
It's not your problem to dictate manners to your guests. If they show up late, have an usher/coordinator waiting by the door to direct traffic. If they miss your big entrance, that's their loss.
I recently went to a wedding that started a solid half hour after the start time, and guests still missed it. I am all for lying on the invitation. If it's a big deal, make sure there is food or drinks available for guests, and definetly music playing. And don't TELL people that you're aiming to start at 2:30pm - I did a wedding where the ceremony invite said 4:00pm, but everything in the venue said 4:15pm, so people walked in (at 4:05pm, I may add), and were angry that the signs said 4:15pm. If you don't tell them or publicize that half hour, it'll be OK.
Yes, it annoys me no END that people can't show on time - I am an early person too. I don't mind waiting for a bit, but one of the reasons I was so torn was that waiting for 30+ minutes would bug me. I think we'll try 2:15...luckily some of the worst "lateness" offenders are in the wedding party (incluing my fiance, bwahahahaha) so they'll be wrangled by others into being on time!
As someone who is always early, I'd be pretty upset to wait 45 minutes for your ceremony. I think 2:15 is probably okay.
Can you say something like:
Please arrive between 2 and 2:15pm
Ceremony will start promptly at 2:30pm
So there's no guessing at all?
I had a morning wedding that started at 1030am but made sure that the invites said that we were getting married at 10am. I'm glad we did that because there were a few people that came in late. It gives them time to sit down and find their place and listen to music and talk to each other while looking at programs before you come down the aisle. Trust me, I'm Asian and everyone in my family is on family time so making it a half hour before the scheduled time was a MUST!
I was so glad I lied, my Pastor was late, luckily I didn't know this, but DH says he came flying in and freaking out and after watching him for a few minutes, he pulls him aside and says, calm down, she's gonna be like a half hour late on purpose. It was such a good thing, people were still arriving when I pulled up in the limo.
Eh. I'm kind of on the fence here. I'm usually late to EVERYTHING, by a consistent 15 minutes. Except for weddings. My mom has drilled it into my head that the start time of a wedding is when the bride walks down the aisle, and if you want to see it, you better be in your seat by then. I've usually noticed this to be true, and was annoyed recently at a wedding where the bride lied to everyone about the start time by 30 minutes. It just felt so dishonest and made me feel like she didn't trust any of her guests.
That said, I understand the reasons behind lying, but it's still a lie, and that just doesn't sit right. I like what lolony said, if you feel this might be an issue.
Plus, I don't know about other ladies, but we're going to be on a pretty close schedule with pictures and such (we didn't want a large gap, so we're doing ceremony at 4, cocktail hour at 6) so we plan on starting on time! Seriously ;o)
This is funny you posted this because my fiance and I are having the same exact problem! My dads side of the family is ALWAYS late, I think its a cultural thing. I thought about lying about the time, but mentioned to my fiance that its not fair for early ppl. My fiance and I are also alway early to everything, and it makes us so mad when people are late. We havent decided what were going to do yet, but we may just put a 15 min time difference. I guess in the end of the day If people really care about seeing the ceremony they should be there on time.
I think 15 minutes is a good buffer time. Honestly I don't think anyone can get too angry about it, most wedding start a little late.
We put a 3pm start time on our invites but intended to start at 3:15. My family is late to EVERYTHING. We missed 90% of my nieces christening a few years ago.
Since moving out on my own I've vowed to get places on time or even early (gasp!).
Hubby and I joke that if we want to invite our parents over for a 6pm dinner, we tell my parents it starts at 5:30 and tell his parents it starts at 6:30. That way they'll get there are the same time!
Personally, I always aim to arrive at weddings half hour early... to allow the ushers proper time to seat all guests. I would be annoyed if I arrived a half hour early out of courtesy to bridal party and had to wait an additional half hour.
@Rocktsrgn - that is really interesting that your mom has always told you the bride walks down at the time stated on the invitation! I've never thought that way- actually I think weddings always start later than the time on the invitation. I was almost late to a wedding once and I couldn't believe the bride was getting ready to walk down the aisle already! I really thought there was always extra time built in! (see it's people like me who would fake people out and tell them that the ceremony starts earlier that ruin it for the people who actually want all the guests to be seated and ready by the time on the invitiation, because they might be a little late thinking that you've built in a buffer time)
@allisonc - I think that would be a perfect time for your bridesmaid to sing!
I've seen some invitations say "Promptly at _____" which I think is a polite way to say "Seriously ____". Although, it sounds like that won't help you out. I say lie. You'll probably be anxious enough on your wedding day that you don't want to worry about your timeline. But, I agree it'd be nice to have music or something for your punctual guests.
Good luck!
We are late for everything. Even if we have the best of intentions to get there early! I would put 2:00. People expect to sit and wait at a wedding because they never start on time. Plus, if people are upset that they had to wait, they need to get over it, its your day! You can be late if you want!!!
Your FI seems to know his people, they will arrive late. Either put 2PM on the invite and if your family/friends are very prompt tell them by word of mouth that the real start time is 2:30. Or write 2:30 on the invite and write "will start promptly" or something to that effect. I'm from a largely multicultural family, people WILL ARRIVE LATE especially if your FI has already stated it, we usually put the "fake" time for events and let the punctual folks know the real deal so they are not waiting.
I'm never late. i hate being late for things. I went to my old boss's daughter's Christening this weekend and the invite said 11 o'clock and I hit a little traffic and got there at like 11:03 and was totally freaking out at my FI in the car from 10:45 on and we pull up and my old boss and his wife and the baby are like still in the parking lot talking to people... in short, I LIKE IT when people put an earlier time on invitations because even ridiculoulsy punctual people like me can get stuck in traffic. This was my first Christening so I didn't know the ropes, but for weddings I always expect to wait at least 15-20 minutes if not more.
Someone asked this question to Miss Manners a while ago and she determined that it is rude to put a fake time on the invitation. Her reasoning was that it is rude to show up late to a wedding, and the on-timers will take your start time seriously and arrive 15-30 minutes early. You can't control when people will arrive and you have to be corteous to people who are on time. What you can do is I think what you suggested, print 2:00 on your invitations and expect to start by 2:15. This will also allow YOU wiggle room, just in case something happens like your makeup isn't finished, etc.
We were considering doing a fake time on the invitation until I really thought about it and realized that I don't care if people are on time. All the important people I know will be there, seated on time and people who are late should feel ashamed of themselves. I'll also probably work something out with the church coordinator that if anyone tries to show up late they won't be let in. Like if it's during a quiet moment or something. Doors are closed!
Oh and I was so angry at my best friends wedding I was a bridesmaid in this August. We unexpectedly arrived almost an hour late to the ceremony (the limo driver didn't get us in time) and people were still showing up late! I mean, it was on a Friday - but I don't think that's a good excuse.
I'm very much against purposefully lying on the invitation. You are receiving a formal notice of when an event will begin, and therefore if you are late, you are late. Your guests who care will be there on time -- trust me.
It's frustrating when an event begins later than planned, and then the rest of your day's schedule is thrown off as well. In OOT weddings, I've been to events that start 45-minutes later than expected, which completely erased all of the "middle time" plans that we had arranged between the ceremony and reception. Instead, we sat waiting for the ceremony to begin for over an hour... silent in our seats... and then had another weird waiting period before we could go to the reception.
I can't speak for everyone else, but fake time has worked on me before. FI and I are usually punctual people, but the one day we weren't- we were so lucky that the bride/groom used a fake time. On the flipside, we've also been extremely early for weddings and have seen people rush to make the fake time. Yeah, we were a little bored waiting- but it's a wedding. We got no where else to be. Some small talk, some nice drinks, and it's not really a big deal for us to sit around for a while. Anyhoo, we will be doing a fake time for our wedding as well. If people arrive early or on time...then it's more time to socialize, hang out, and catch up with people. I hope our guests will understand about "asian time" and not find reasons to complain...at least not to my face haha.
I wouldn't lie. Sorry but if people show up late, that's their own fault. I would be really pissed if I showed up early and waited that long. IMHO, it's not fair to do that to people who managed to get there on time just to satisfy people who are constantly late.
I actually don't think it's lying to put 2pm - that is the time that you would like everyone to be there, right? I mean, it's not the exact time that you will be walking down the aisle, but it is the time that you would prefer your guests to arrive so that they can chat with other guests and take their seats. I can't remember any wedding ceremonies that started less than 15 minutes after what the invite stated, and as an "early person" I was NEVER pissed that I had to wait! Put whatever time would cause you less stress.
I'm having the same exact problem as you, and especially since our guestlist is small, we're going to make sure that people are actually seated for the ceremony before it starts by putting the start time half an hour ealier.
Honestly, think to yourself whether someone would really complain about being at such a nice event. And if there really are people out there that would be angry about waiting 30 minutes for love, then maybe they shoudn't be at a wedding to start with.
ha my ceremony site is in a hotel really close to a bar. if we started too late i bet our guests would go get drinks. that being said my uncle was 30 minutes late to my moms wedding and they lied and said it was 2 hours early (just to him) but i figure if he flies all the way here and rents a hotel room and is still late, then its his problem!
I have thought about this extensively, and we decided against fake time...but only because we know that our ceremony will be relatively short...it's 'starting' at three. we have half an hour before cocktail hour starts (ceremony and reception very close together) so I figure there'll be prelude music and it'll likely start about 10-15 min past the hour.
This is such an interesting topic for me -- I just naturally assumed the invite would state an arrival time that would be 30 to 45 minutes BEFORE the ceremony. People are late. God knows, my FI's peops are! And then they mill about, plus a waiter of ours will be serving sparkling water and lime or something, and music will be playing, so it's a kind of nice gathering period, and the space is gorgeous with a huge terrace and views, so what's the biggie. By 45 minutes into this arrival business, the bridal party is marchin' down the aisle, ready or not! I didn't realize people only put 15 minutes ahead of the ceremony on their invites. Really?
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