Lying– Was I Duped into Marrying Him?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Hostess
8680 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I’m sorry your going through this.

I once dated a guy [for 4 years], who lied about EVERYTHING and ANYTHING. He would go outside to smoke, I’d hear him leave and come back, and smell the smoke on him, and he’d tell me he wasn’t smoking. I don’t care that he WAS smoking, I just hated when he lied to me.

And this went on forever until eventually I got fed up and left him. Almost all of the things he lied about were never a big deal [he was a troublemaker, so a couple of them were, but I was young at the time].

Always wondering if he is telling you the truth takes a huge toll on you, and your health. He was a great guy, I loved him, and we had so much fun together. But I could not trust him. If he lied about little stuff, you can bet he was going to lie about the bigger stuff that actually matters.

Post # 4
Member
825 posts
Busy bee

a) I get why he didn’t tell you about the fake teeth. That’s a separate issue for not telling you about how he has a disease that is going to cost 20-30k to fix. That is not okay. He knew you guys were budgeting for a life together. That’s a down payment on a really nice house!

b) It’s also not okay that he didn’t tell you about not graduating. It’s fine that he didn’t graduate, some people take their own path to get from point A to point B. But I would wonder if he lied and said that he graduate when applying to jobs, even though he’s said to you that they’ve known. If he chooses to go back to school, that’s more money that you both have not budgeted for.

Those are two BIG lies in the span of one month. I don’t know that i could ever trust him again, particularly when so many of his lies have to do with how you view him. Your view of him seems to be very important to him, but he doesn’t trust enough to let you see him when he’s weak. That’s almost as big of a red flag as all the lying.

Post # 5
Member
957 posts
Busy bee

If you had known he needed $30k dentures before the wedding, would you have called it off? If not, then I don’t think you were duped into marrying him. 

You knew before marrying him that he had a tendancy to not be so forthcoming with the truth. So I wouldn’t say he tricked you. 

How long have you two been together? It does sound like he lies because he’s afraid how you’ll react and that he’ll lose you. It might just take time to show him that you won’t leave him if things aren’t perfect.

I think you two should continute to go to therapy… that’s all I can really suggest.

Post # 6
Member
1018 posts
Bumble bee

@hateliars:  You said he has a good, advanced position at his job. Is it possible he has an FSA or healthcare account he’s been saving up for this procedure with the teeth?

Not that I’m excusing his lying…but I can’t imagine not knowing these things before marrying someone. You never asked him about college or anything? Did he just reference “when I was in college…” so you assumed he graduated or did he flat out lie and say “I graduated in 20XX” or whenever.

Post # 7
Member
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I also very briefly dated a guy who lies about everything, like totally useless to lie about. I don’t get it.  I don’t have much advice either.  I think it’s crazy that he can keep up with his lies.  

How long did you know him before you got married?

Won’t insurance pay for some of the teeth?

Post # 8
Member
1882 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@hateliars:  I feel for him… he clearly doesn’t feel like there is anyone he can be 100% himself with, which must be very lonely and painful. However, his issues are not his alone any longer, they are yours too; if I were you, I would sit down with him and ask him to lay everything out on the table. If there’s something he is still holding back, that’ll be his chance to stop with the secrets and lies once and for all. If he is still unwilling or unable to in the future, I don’t see how the marriage would survive with such an extensive lack of trust. Good luck!  

Post # 9
Member
615 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

There’s a reason to his lying, he’s ashamed, embarrassed that he’s possibly not good enough physically, academically, background, family everything.

He doesn’t think he deserves to be with someone as great as you which is why he thinks he has to lie about his past and who he is. Once he’s comfortable with himself, let him know you’re not going anywhere, and that you are there no matter what he will stop the lying eventually and open up to you more.

I lied about an eating disorder for years to my now fiance. And at times, I still struggle around food. I’ve even tried to run away from him and break up with him when he found out about it, angry with myself, but mostly ashamed and embarrassed I even had this problem. 

What I know is that when someone is proud of something, you can’t get them to shut up about it, and they will always talk about it, but if someone is ashamed/embarrassed about something they’ll never talk about it, refer to it, and possibly it is/was so traumatizing that they have to create a fictionalized version of it(LIE about it) than deal with the real issue.

Just be there for him. When I read this I felt very sad for him because I too have never had braces and am ashamed of my bite thinking of the possible cost to fix it I feel very alone despite having a partner for life.

Post # 11
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@hateliars:  Truthfully, Im a bit conflicted about your post.  I am not sure if you have had these in depth convos before, and he told a story that was not true, OR if you have never had these conversations til ‘present’, and he is divulging information you did not expect to hear?!  The latter is definitely lying.  The former – in my opinion – is a result of not getting to know every bit of one another; the good, the bad and the ugly!  There is stuff I need to pry from FI, because he is ashamed to tell me (i.e. the abusive household he grew up in), but he has told me nonetheless. I do not fault him though for not being an open book about it…because it was hard to re-live/re-tell, and I think he feared I would judge him for it?!

But, I digress…I think what also spoke to me in your post is the fact that you knew he was like this before marriage.  Someone whom omits full truths, or tells white lies.  Marriage would not change that in him, or in anyone. 

He may have a serious issue about lying.  A need to do it, if you will.  It is not ‘right’, because the one person he should be able to honest with is you.  Maybe he is scared to lose you, maybe he is not sure how to change, but I think the both of you need to start at the beginning, putting less emphasis on him lying in your relationship (right now), and more emphasis on why he does it. 

Post # 13
Member
1779 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I don’t know if I have any real advice but it seems like something he needs to go to therapy for. I mean, my FH would never lie to me, even by omission, because he would want me to be able to work through whatever it was with him. I think he would rather deal with me being upset initially than feel my wrath later on. I’d be much more upset than you and would ultimately tell him he better air out any other omissions because I can’t be with someone who won’t share that sort of information WITH THEIR FREAKIN’ WIFE.

Post # 16
Member
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

When FI and I first started dating, I would lie about really stupid things a lot. I am SUPER anti-confrontational, so when it came to anything that I thought might cause an argument, I lied. I never lied about anything major (like cheating or money), but just a lot of small, little things. And guess what? I almost lost FI (then BF) multiple times. Not because the things I was lying about were important, but just because I was lying – he couldn’t trust me. It took realizing that I was going to lose him by LYING, not by fighting that caused me to totally change my tune. Make him realize that. Make him see that the only thing that will break your marriage is lies – not whatever he’s insecure or scared of.

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