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Honestly, I think that you need to back down a bit. Correct me if I am wrong, but I think you said that your Dad is paying for the wedding - are your parents paying 100% for everything?
In all of the guest list problems, I have found that as frustrating as it is, the people who do pay for the wedding get the most say in things like budget and guest list. It would be an entirely different scenario if you and your FI were paying of if your FI's parents were paying, but since yours are paying... you need to let them invite who they want.
Even more so, 1/3 of the guest list for their guests is very fair. Typically, the bride's parents get 1/3, the bride and groom get a 1/3, and the groom's parents get 1/3 of the guest list.
I know it can be so difficult and frustrating, but I think in this case, you should back down a bit.
I agree with Mrs. Louboutin - if your parent(s) are paying - then they do get a greater say. My venue only holds 250 (max- and that is tight) - and when my parents sent me back their guestlist there were 140 people on the list - well over 1/3. But, they are paying for 100% of my wedding - and they feel like this is their moment to shine and show off their daughter - so they really were in the right to have that many.
To work with their unexpected number, we have found creative work arounds For instance, how many of your guests are you giving a +1 to? Perhaps limit the +1s to long-term relationships, etc. Once we did that, we realized we had quite a few single friends. We will be seating our single friends together - so they feel more comfortable, and hopefully they have a blast together. Another work-around that we are doing to not make the place feel cramped, is we are having a "kids room" at our venue (with a babysitter). This way, the children have somewhere to hang out once they are done eating - which will clear up space in the main areas. Perhaps you can find a creative way to make it work?
If you want to have your own wedding your way, than pay for your own wedding. If you are going to take a handout from mommy and daddy, than you are basically in debt to them.
I can see where Kittyachi is coming from though...I think that paying DOES give parents a good deal of input, and their opinions/wants should definitely be given a lot of weight, but I don't think that paying for the wedding gives parents the right to do WHATEVER they want. I mean, at the end of the day, people are there to see the marriage of Kittyachi and her FI, not see a big party that represents her parents. I just hate the mentality of "the person who pays gets final say" because I think we're all adults, and parents should be willing to compromise just as we should.
I totally understand where you are coming from!! My sister got married last year and it's would have been easy for my mom to want to invite all of the same people, but my space is smaller and she's awesome and she said she will just tell people that we're keeping it really small. It would be really hard to cut close friends of mine for friends of my mom...why do they care about your wedding anyway?
And it's hard to say you should just pay for it yourself, that's really difficult...I hope you can work out some compromise (but let it cool off for a little while first). I would suggest a "sugar-y" approach starting with "Thank you so much for helping pay for the wedding...."
My mom doesn't even like her family. She doesn't talk to any of them nor did she make any effort to keep in touch with them when I was growing up, hence why I don't know any of them. She's using the wedding as an excuse to show up the family members she has always despised. It's not even her money. It's my dad's money. And they aren't paying for the whole thing. We're paying what we can scrape together and FI's family is paying a decent chunk, too.
And as for the "handout from mommy and daddy" comment, spare me. Unless you're paying for every penny of your own wedding - which I highly doubt considering the fact that in Mr. Bee's "how much could you fathom spending" post you said 150K - then you best check your tone. If you're loaded on your own, then bully for you. Not everyone is.
Okay regardless of who is right and wrong here, I really think that you need to take a deep breath. Swearing and getting ANGRY will not help your cause at all. Maybe you could try a calmer tactic like CALMLY explaining to her that your venue/budget has certain limits and that it is really important to you to have x people because of y. Explaining your reasoning and your limits is probably more effective than telling her she is f*cking things up for you.
Here's what I'd do--I'd pull up the chart the venue gave us and write in the people who are attending and literally say, "how are they going to fit? We can't just make more tables".
Otherwise I think your only option is to pull a handful of people to be a B group.
Your parents are paying, you're kinda up a creek without a paddle if they want more people.
How many people are you talking? like 10 or so? Or literally like, 50? Is the venue capped or did you just want to make sure everyone's allowed an even # for their guest list.
@Corgi - That's kind of just how my mom and I communicate. She'd laugh in my face and ask me if I was on sedatives if I approached anything "calmly." We basically yell at each other until some sort of impasse or compromise is reached. Not the healthiest of relationships, but it is what it is.
I just talked to her again and she basically agreed to, if it is a tight squeeze, she'll just squeeze all the extras into one of the rooms and have that room be the cramped one so that the main room doesn't look busted. I said fine. Problem solved.
@ejs - She added an extra 30 to the number she originally gave me. The way the venue is - it's three connected rooms, one of which will have all the food stations. So essentially that's two useable rooms for dinner. They are fairly large but it's gonna be tight. We were aiming for 150 max and now it's closer to 200. I'm just hoping that we get a decent chunk of declines. She's not thinking about the fact, too, that adding more tables means more money for flowers, more money for rentals, etc. on top of the per person catering charge. It pisses me off that I'm more concerned about my dad's budget than she is.
lol ok then backup-- cry! it works to get out of traffic tickets, maybe for family drama too? hehe
I would find it very hard to cut people that I am close to and want present at my wedding in order for my parents' friends to be there. That being said, maybe approach your mom in a different way than "f-ing" the seated dinner (best said in your head than on paper...believe me, i know!)
on another note: ignore what dande is saying because after reading her post (she should probably figure out the difference between then & than...sorry that was rude of me) I went to look at a few of her previous posts and they are all attacks and snarky. I think she is just trying to stir things up!
Kittyachi - you crack me up! I'm with you. My other suggestion is talk to your Dad. I dunno about you but in my world - cooler heads prevail when Pops is involved instead of my mom.
I can't imagine how frustraing that would be - to play for X number and all of a sudden, it's SIGNIFICANTLY more than you planned! Like the others suggested, talk to your dad, hope for some "no"s and make the best of it. This day is about you and FI's love, not appeasing your mom's guestlist!! :)
AHAHA I just talked to my Dad and he was like WTF SHE SAID WHAT?!? And then we had a fun convo about how deluded and crazy she is and how much we love her anyway. Dads are the best.
@Kittyachi - I think you are confusing me with Dande. I was not the one who said "handout from mommy and daddy" comment. I'm glad everything ended up working out for you though.
Girl.. go ahead and freak out-- that's what this space is for! People need to not judge or be nasty. Glad you have good ol' dad!
Where in CT btw? I'm in CT right outside of NYC :)
@Mrs. Louboutin - No no no that totally wasn't directed at you! You're still my savior for the Neimans sale link yesterday :)
Oh ok good, phew! I know that sometimes posts can be misread and mine wasn't an insult to you. Anyway, I'm glad to hear it all worked out and I'm glad you were able to get the shoes too!
I will add that my parents (my dad really) are paying for most of the wedding, and I had to give them carte blanche with the guest list. There are guests of my parents coming to the wedding that I cannot stand or I have met for 2 minutes once. It seems weird to share such a personal moment in my life with these people, but I guess that is the price you pay when you don't pay for everything yourself. So you are not alone!
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OK yeah yeah, another post about a guest list freakout. My mom FINALLy (after literally months) got back to me with her "final" count and it is over 1/3 of our entire list - meaning that me (my friends), my FI (his friends) and FI's family list basically get pushed aside. I emailed her with possible cuts, including one woman who is a business associate and fake friend of hers that she knows I hate and disrespected me at my own engagement party, and she basically told me to f**k off about it. This whole situation is bulls**t yet there's nothing I can do. So I wrote her back and was like mom, the seated dinner is f**ked if you jack up the list because there's no space in the venue so like thanks for making my wedding a day filled with people I don't know or like, ugly looking, and uncomfortable for all our guests. I knew I'd get in a guestlist fight with her at some point so I shouldn't be surprised. But seriously, it's like she's in her own little dream world and she's like "Oh we'll just squeeze them in blah blah blah - IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY. IT'S SIMPLE GEOMETRY. THIS MANY TABLES DOES NOT FIT IN THIS AMOUNT OF SPACE. YOU'RE AN IDIOT. But, of course, my Dad is paying so she'll pull that card. The best part is that she used to complain to no end about how, at her own wedding, she hated it because her mom hijacked it and basically made it into a party for her friends and family. Don't think I didn't remind her of that, too.
Signed, thinking of booking a ticket to Vegas.