Weddingbee boards

Hello bees,

It’s 2.5 months away from the wedding day, and I am faced with issues between my maid of honor and I.

To give you a little background, when I god engaged I called her to share the news,  and she was genuinely happy. Later in a month, she had happy tears when I asked her to be my maid of honor as I felt she is the person I want to have next to after so many years of a friendship. When it was an engagement party time, she was suddenly unavailable to attend because she was teaching a recreation class (it’s her weekend fun hobby). According to her, she was unable to reschedule the class (note, she had 3 weeks’ notice before the party day), but told me she will be an hour late to my party as she needed extra time to get ready. I didn’t mind her being late, and was excited to see my good friend and my maid of honor.  After multiple conversations about the logistics of the party, she claimed she never got my parent’s electronic invitation, to which I personally sent 2 more copies (she never opened any), nor she ever called my parents to RSVP. To make a long story short, she never showed up.  When I emailed her expressing my worries if something happen to her as I expected her at the party, she never apologized for not being there. Her reason was that her after class shower took too long and she assumed party was over by then.

When I met her to discuss this incident, she expressed how much it means to her that I chose her as my maid of honor and she wants to be there for me every step of the wedding planning. I was relieved and excited to have my girl by my side and carried on with planning, only to notice she is not as involved as she claims to be. Just recently, we met to discuss our bridal shower details and her idea was to have a 2-hour long shower at a very expensive place where my guests will be asked to pay for their own meal, plus will be informed of my gift registries. I appreciate her planning a shower for me, and a theme/place is absolutely lovely (as well as a sentimental value of our friendship), but I’m not comfortable to ask people to pay for the shower. Do you think it is normal nowdays? It’s not that she has financial troubles, she works for a big corporate company and makes more than me and bridesmaid, besides she is single and doesn’t have mortgage yet. As a side note, well before we started a planning I offered to contribute to any wedding event expenses.

Luckily, she was not upset about having to change a shower theme to a more casual house party to avoid people to cover their own snacks and drinks. But at the end of the conversation, she casually informed me that on the day of the wedding she will not be getting ready with all of us at the hotel, as she wants to teach her weekend recreation class. All girls will be getting ready at 8am, as we need to be at the venue by 1:30pm, but she wants to show up at the hotel at 11am on the day of my wedding. When I expressed that I would want her to be there with me the morning of my wedding day, she got very upset that I don’t understand importance and her commitment to this class/hobby. When trying to explain that it’s my wedding day and I will need her support and her friendship, not saying that I had a small surprise for the girls that morning, she was reading my words as me being selfish. I am very disappointed, confused by her actions, and very upset. It feels to me she has no interest in being my MOH, in spite the fact she is well familiar with being a MOH in her friend’s 2 weddings.  Should I ask her to step down? After almost 10 years in a friendship, I feel bad to hurt her feelings of being demoted to a guest. Pleas help…

Thank you everyone for your great suggestions! We did have a meeting where I told her how important it is to have her near me on that morning, but she refused to reschedule her class anyway. It was a better choice for our friendship sake to have her be a guest or a ceremony reader. 

I appreciate your advises, they helped me to find courage and hope that it all will be alright in the end.

She was understanding and a bit relieved. She wasn't comfortable with the amount of work she needed to do as MOH and could not commit to attend pre-wedding events. We mutually agreed that it's safer for our friendship for her to be replaced by somebody else. I personally think she may have something going on in life that she doesn't want to tell me of before my wedding and it is better for her to have more time to spend on herself.

@lamkky:  I'm sorry you had to go through this yourself. It's never easy when family has expectations on who should be MOH, but ultimately you're the one to choose. It's important to have a close friend/ family member with whom you share your ideas and visions, whom will understand you and importance of your event. Being MOH is not only a responsibility, but emotional connection and a desire to share this moment together. I'm glad you figured out your situation and was happy with your choice!

As far as me, I won't deny I'm struggling emotionally and in a very fragile state in mind. I hoped after many years of our friendship, and countless days and nights of our talks and support to each other, she will be happy for me and would want to be a part of this big day.  I feel guilty thinking she doesn't care and maybe unhappy that I finally found The One. I wish I could some day go pass this instance, but for now, I am feeling hurt and pain. Regardless, I now I am fortunate to have a good friend who happily accepted MOH role and right away started planning my pre-wedding events. She has been nothing less than a supportive and understanding friend, a shoulder to cry on, and a joy to be around. And as far as the friendship with my former MOH- I truly hope that time will heel me, and I will be able to trust her again.

This is a great decision! I was following your post because it reminds me of my life-long friend who is ALWAYS late. She recently told me a story about how she walked in to a ceremony DURING THE VOWS!

I personally think it is so rude to be late for a wedding. This is your one day to be a princess, when your friends and family are all paying attention to you! If she is unwilling to make you first priority on that day, then she shouldn't be your MOH. I think that having her be a reader is the best decision. This is what I am doing with my friend. No regrets!