Maid of Honor issues!

posted 2 months ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

presumably you are now saving lots of money you expected to spend and can now cover some of her costs? one of the reasons destination weddings get bad press is often the costs are passed onto the guests to save the couple money, this feels the case here. 

Post # 3
Member
861 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Sorry Bee, but I really don’t think you deserve a ton of sympathy here. It sounds like she’s just telling you what you don’t want to hear, which is that your destination wedding is really tough on her finances.  She could probably ease up on telling you all about it, but I’d probably have a talk with her that if she really wants to pull out, she can. 

Since you just found out you’re saving a boatload of money between you and your fiance, why don’t you try to help her out with some of her expenses? 

Post # 5
Member
364 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Wow. To be honest I’d be pretty resentful too if I were making the cash outlay for a destination wedding for a bride who told me that her travel ended up being covered. I understand a destination wedding is your choice and it may be perfect for you but it’s important to consider the additional financial stress on those who will be attending. Especially when it ends up being cheaper for the bride and groom at the expense of their guests. 

Post # 6
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

My MOH did / does not have a lot of money and I knew this going in to the wedding. However, she is my best friend and I wanted her to be there by my side regardless of money. I covered her way of the bachelorette party and paid for her dress (although the other girls don’t know the full extent as she was expected to pay me back). She keep talking about paying me back someday, and how she will have a plan, but I avoid the topic because I actually DO NOT want her to pay me back. It was my wedding and I wanted certain dresses along with a crazy Vegas Bach, so I have no issues with her never paying me back. 

Yes the cost of a wedding is expensive for the bride and groom, I shelled out huge bucks for mine. However, you have to understand not everyone is in the same financial position as you. I make 3-4 times more money than my MOH, and I know this, so I have no issue telling her to keep her money and just adding it to the overall expense of my wedding. 

As PP said, since you are getting a discount, maybe you can cover some of her costs. Yes I understand being a MOH or bridesmaid comes with certain costs and the girls know this when they accept, but I personally would rather have my best friend by my side than sitting in the crowd not as MOH just because she makes significantly less money. She is my best friend for a reason, and money is not an issue between us. Maybe you should be willing to compromise if you are as close to this girl as you say you are. 

Post # 8
Member
364 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

That being said, I don’t think it’s right for her to continue to harp on about how much this is costing her. If it was too much for her she should have declined being MOH and sent her regrets. 

Post # 10
Member
1646 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Maybe she thinks it is a joke and you are taking it really seriously? Could she be saying it in a way that you’ve been misinterpreting? Could she just be reminding you how much you mean to her because she is spending all this money to be with you on your special day? Or is she being mean about it and rude with the way she is telling you?

Post # 11
Member
762 posts
Busy bee

It’s definitely annoying to keep hearing that, and having her harp on it over and over again would be frustrating. But honestly, I kind of agree with her. DW are so much more expensive for guests than for hosts – and in your case, even more so, since you are literally paying for so little. You kind of sound like you’ve put your fingers in your ears and are screaming NANANANANANA instead of actually listening to the concern.

She’s giving up visiting her family to come to your wedding. That’s huge. Yes, hearing it 900x is annoying, but I don’t even feel like you understand the position you put her in. Of course she could decline, but being a MOH you feel almost guilted into going. If I were you, and you’re saving thousands of dollars on this trip because of your company, I’d probably pitch in a little more to her expenses.

eta – I’m also having a DW. But we are trying our best to minimize expenses for our guests, ESPECIALLY our bridal party.

Post # 12
Member
3952 posts
Honey bee

I’m going to go against popular opinion here and say the MOH is the one out of line. I’m Canadian and with out-of-province family (west coast rather than east coast), so I know what it’s like to have to balance family trips & vaca time (cross country flights aren’t cheap!) and for this exact reason, I’ve turned down a few destination wedding invites, because funds & time off work are limited. And I think if you have a DW you should expect a higher-than-average decline rate. 

However, if you accept, either as a guest or bridal party member, it’s not fair to guilt and bitch at the bride over your decision to go. And it sounds like the MOH is resentful about more than just the cost if she’s even bitching about OP choosing her own colour scheme over what the MOH wanted. In fact, she’s going on about all this to the point of sounding sour and repetitive and martyred over it, and repeatedly telling OP how grateful she should be. 

If she’s your best friend OP, tell her honestly that her incessant harping (lol find a more tactful phrase) is bothering you and ask her what’s going on, if she’s doing okay etc. She’s not being fair to you, but if your own costs have decreased and you suspect she’s genuinely struggling with this (as opposed to sour grapes) be the bigger person and offer to help her out. 

 

Post # 13
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

From the few comments I read, I might be going against the grain here, but honestly I feel like your maid of honor is being completely rude, and entirely selfish. She had adequate time to plan for this trip, and if she absolutely cannot make it happen, then she needs to grow up and tell you she’ll be sending her best wishes instead. It’s not complicated. Her complaining and nitpicking and bringing up money all the time is so far below the belt, not to mention unnecessary. So what if your company is helping with some travel costs? You’re still paying for the rest of your entire wedding, and even if you weren’t, that’s not on her to dictate anything to you! And of course you’re going to pick the color bridesmaid dresses YOU like, it’s YOUR wedding! Honestly, if my maid of honor was like this, I would be pissed and just ask her to back out. (And yes, I really would do that. I actually did switch my MOH, not for the same reason, but for very legitimate others) I know a lot of bees will say that nobody will care about your wedding as much as you, etc etc but honestly, you pick the closest people in your life to share the most special day together, and plan this giant party that also is for everyone else, I think it’s really selfish and shows a true reflection of the relationship when those involved don’t care/complain/etc. it’s not like it’s some huge chore to celebrate with someone who is supposed to be close to you. You ought to confront your MOH 

Post # 14
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

jellybellynelly :  This! A DW, although fun and exotic, is a great way to pass the buck on to your guests. The bride and groom typically spend significantly less money than hosting a wedding at home, and the guests have to shell out thousands to attend. No OP’s MOH should not be complaining this much, but it is understandable she wants to be there for her best friend just it may not financially be feasible. It is a tough situation to be in! 

lisamariebee :  So it makes more sense knowing she makes more than you, but this is also YOUR wedding and not hers. When you decide to plan a wedding, you set a budget and are prepared to spend money on it. When your best friend gets married, yes you may be expected to shell out money but at the same time, you commit to be in the bridal party to support the bride. She would not be spending any of this if you were not getting married, she is supporting you. Again, I would have rather paid my MOH’s way than her decline the invite and not be by my side. Pick your priorities. 

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