Post # 1
I found out some troubling news today. I have two maids of honor. One is in medical school so I’ve bothered her with wedding stuff a total of zero times; I understand she’s busy. Well today the second maid of honor told me that the medical school maid of honor is leaving before the reception and will fly in the night before the wedding (therefore probably not in time for the rehersal, rehersal dinner, or the bachelorette party–Thursday). So I immediately called med school maid of honor and asked about the situation, and why I hadn’t been the first one she told (not because I need to be first but because that information is clearly most important to me).
To make a long story short she says she hasn’t booked her flight, didn’t know the time of the wedding (thought it was earlier), was planning to leave before the reception, and hasn’t even sent in her response card because she’s SO busy and won’t do it for a week or so (it’s pre-stamped, pre-addressed, was given to her more than a month ago and it is now past the deadline for when it said to be returned). She says she has an exam the Monday after the wedding and wants to leave ASAP and cited that my other med school friend isn’t even going to the wedding, so I should cut her some slack (actually, the other med student IS going to the wedding, sent in her RSVP card, and already bought her ticket).
What do I do with this situation? She’s my friend so of course I’d like her to be at the wedding. But having her be a part of the wedding while missing so many events is stressful. She says she already has the dress (which I had to email her several times to remind her to order) and what is she supposed to do with it if I say not to come. Aside from not wanting this to stress me out I also don’t want her stressed out. If this test is important for her flying in and out is not going to be helpful for her. Part of me wants to tell her to just not worry about coming, to study and that I’ll be okay with her absence. But I know she’ll be upset because she has the dress. Another part of me wants to let her still be part of the wedding and try to accomodate her but it seems hectic (will she have to leave before the pictures are taken?). I need some advice on what to say and how to handle this.
Post # 3
I have a friend who is in her first years of being a doctor and she recently had a lot of trouble getting time off for our friends wedding. She gave them months of notice but ultimately it came down to which of her fellow doctors would be willing to switch shifts. She had to fly in on the day of the wedding and fly out very early the day after.
I know it is really frustrating for you but she isn’t doing it on purpose, they just have a different lifestyle. It is a competitive and stressful lifestyle and sometimes they forget about the rest of the world. I am sure she isn’t doing it on purpose to you, but if she is that good a friend to you, perhaps an honest chat will help. Let her know you are worried that she wont know what to do on the day and that you are a bit upset that she wont be there to support you as you had hoped. But reiterate it is important to you that she is there.
I hope you figure this out!
Post # 4
Tough situation and I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I don’t have a solution for you, but if she can’t be there for you and most of the events surrounding your wedding (esp. the reception!!), then she should have declined your offer for her to be Maid/Matron of Honor. Hope you get this worked out soon!
Post # 5
@MayFlower0514:I think at this point if she isn’t able to even be there for the reception then maybe she should step down as MOH? I know it might sound harsh to some bees that might say otherwise, but to me a Maid/Matron of Honor needs to be there for not only the ceremony but the reception.
Post # 6
Honestly, I think she wants to attend your wedding, but she is just so stressed from all her medical school tests, etc. If you told her not to worry about coming she would probably be crushed. At this point, she thinks that making it to the ceremony is a big effort to attend your wedding and be involved. What she doesn’t understand is how important it is for you to have her there and not be worried about leaving or studying for a test. I would have no clue what to do in this situation. I wouldn’t want to be stressed out by her stressing out, and by her leaving. But I also would want her to be able to at least attend the ceremony. I think you should make your own decision on this, but just know that you’re not wrong for being upset about this. I know I would be. 🙁
At the same time, try to think about it from her end of things. Some people handle situations better than others. Maybe she doesn’t handle tests and school as well as your other medical friend. I dunno. But I would have a conversation with her and tell her how you feel. Talking to her will probably help you both out to understanding each other. I’m sure you will find out that she wants to go to your wedding badly. We’ll see. Keep us updated!
Post # 7
One of my very best friends is a med student. It’s exactly right, they simply have a completely different lifestyle. Your friend bought the dress and is ready to purchase a ticket, take the time away and stand up for you on a very important day in your life. I know it’s stressful for you not having her there for more of your events, but remember it’s also stressful for her to put med school on hold to come be part of your day. I say cut her some slack and let the other Maid/Matron of Honor be there for those events the med student can’t make. At this point, telling her not to come or to step down would just hurt her feelings and maybe strain your friendship.
Post # 8
Oooo…not fun. =(
I have a couple of friends in med school and getting time off his a big pain in the butt. Especially if they just started residency, it’s more based upon what vacations they can get then what they can ask for.
Anyways, if I were you I would probably ask her to step down. Not just because she’s not helping you at all, but she has to deal with the crazy life of being a med student. Even on her part, relieving her of the Maid/Matron of Honor title might bring some relief to her busy schedule. I think if she steps down, it’ll be a relief for both of you ladies.
That’s my opinion. I hope you figure it out!
Post # 9
Just leave the situation as it is:
You already have one Maid/Matron of Honor to take care of you during the reception. The Med Maid/Matron of Honor can take care of herself, fly in/out and be there for the little time she can. She is trying very hard to be part of your day and you should let her be as much a part of it as she can be. It is time for you to forget the “issue” though.
It isn’t even really an issue, she will arrive and leave when she can – you don’t need to think about it, just enjoy her company whilst she is around,
Post # 10
I appreciate all of your responses.
Many of you have said to cut her some slack. I definitely have. I have not bother her with any wedding questions and have not been a nag about getting her stuff together for the wedding. However, the wedding is in 3 weeks and, as I mentioned before, she has not bought a ticket and has not sent a response card or even emailed me with a food option. I understand being busy, I myself am VERY busy these months and the wedding has always been in the backseat but I believe everyone can take the time to lick an envelope and give it to someone else to mail (she lives at home). Not having a ticket at this point is getting close to the point of absurd. And if she leaves right after the ceremony she won’t even be in pictures.
Still not sure what will happen. If she buys a ticket and makes it, then good for her. If she doesn’t then that’s fine too and I can deal with it. But as much as you all think she is SOOOOO busy being a med student you can’t give her a free pass. She is a first year, not a resident, not an attending and is very, VERY active on facebook. If she really wanted to spend 10 minutes buying a ticket online, she could have done it by now. I’ve been engaged for two years and announced the wedding date pretty much immediately after, this whole wedding thing is not a surprise and it should definitely not be for my best friend.