(Closed) Maid of Honor's boyfriend is total d-bag -INVITE OR NOT???

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Wow, that’s a toughie. 

There’s no simple way to have the conversation, and it may cause more hurt and drama than it’s worth. I’m assuming since you’ve stood up for her to him before, she knows how you feel about the type of person he is. So the fact that you don’t want him at your wedding shouldn’t really come as a surprise. You have to be prepared for her to not want to come to your wedding either, MOH or not. 

Post # 4
Member
4682 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

My sympathies to you and to your MOH.

that’s a really tough problem, but I think it would be hard not to invite him.

 

 

 

Post # 5
Member
6207 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

I think that if she’s been dating him that long, you can either be straight with her and have your friendship suffer, or not say anything and let her bring him

Post # 6
Member
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

It would be rude and offensive not to invite him, regardless of how crappy of a person he is or regardless of what kind of trouble they have in their relationship. But that is just my opinion 

Post # 7
Member
7794 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You can invite who you want, but you run the risk of your MOH being offended and not attending.

Usually I take the line that you invite a partner you dislike, unless they have done something really heinous, or their behaviour is so bad that they are likely to disrupt the wedding. i.e., the pain of inviting him is worse than the pain of the MOH dropping out.

Whether his behaviour IS that bad is a decision only you and your fiance can make. But if it is, then you need to say to her something like, “He’s not invited and that if that means you won’t come to the wedding then I understand.” You should also reimburse her for costs if she drops out, because she’s 100% within her rights to drop out if her partner is not invited.

Post # 8
Member
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

You also have to realize that even if your best friend understands (and even agrees), you’d be putting her in an impossible situation. He doesn’t sound like the type to take that insult lying down, and I envision a conversation where he becomes even more nasty to her and forces her to make a choice between your wedding and their relationship. Please don’t do that to her.

Post # 9
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

 paula1248:  (Reply # 6) —> THIS

It is a tough call… and is gonna be a HUGE upheaval if you persist he not attend (altho I can certainly see your reasoning… really really sucks when it means you see someone who treats your GF so badly)

May I suggest that you take the high road here… (not gonna be easy)

BECAUSE, at some point in her life, now or 25 years from now she will wake up and realize this guy is an ABUSIVE ASS (I can say this, I was married to one)

Then she’ll need all the friends she can muster to rebuild the self-esteem he will have stripped away from her.

You can BE THAT FRIEND… or not.  You don’t have to support, or like the CHOICES she makes in life… BUT if you are a TRUE FRIEND you have to let her know, you’ll be there for her thru thick & thin (afterall she is your MOH… and so obviously you guys are close).

Hope this helps,

BTW… Just so you know.  IF in the future she marries this guy… this in no way obligates you to be a MOH / Stand Up for her at the Wedding.  There is nothing wrong with turning down that role if you don’t support the marriage… being a Bridal Attendant and a Guest are two different things.  You can be one without the other… so she knows you love her.

(( HUGS ))

 

Post # 10
Member
6360 posts
Bee Keeper

The invite of a guest’s significant other is for your guest’s sake. It shows you value her. She can always choose to come alone if he is invited, but the gracious thing to do would be to honor her right to make her own decision on it.

Post # 11
Member
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

We had the exact same situation, down to me calling him out on verbal abuse towards her. Add in the fact that he decided to propose to her 2 days before my wedding. 

If you want to stay friends with her past your wedding, you will need to invite him.

Post # 12
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@viv85e:  I’m going three the same thing!!! My friend’s husband treats my friend horrible and she has MS and had cancer , cancer free now, with 3 kids. And she’s only 28. Her husband still treated and still does treat her like crap. He wouldn’t let her use the car to go to her Drs appointments and still doesn’t let her have a cell phone. That’s their problem and she is a grown women who makes her own decisions. But once he involved me, I cut him out of my life. He was disrespecting my FI, me and our relationship. He met my FI once for about 40 mins and as soon as my FI left he started saying that we’re in our honeymoon stage, we are not in love and the only reason my FI is with me is because he’s older and is settling with me because he won’t find a young pretty girl, he’s older so he needs to settle down. And him and his wife have real love, we don’t. It was CRAZY!!! 

 

So on top of being an asshole all around, he insulted my FI and I. I told my friend straight out that he is not inviting to any events I have, especially my wedding. And I understand if she doesn’t go because I understand he’s still your husband. She understood and said she is still going without him. So it worked out for me. LoL. hopefully you can work it out. Besides, my FI fought, jui jistu and kick boxing for a living, he would beat his ass if he ever seen him. So it’s safer if he doesn’t go. 

Post # 13
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

If it were me, I wouldnt invite him, but i would give her a +1. Then sit her down and explain the way you feel about him. Explain that, as a friend, you dont like seeing her hurt and with someone that isnt right for her. If she invites him after all, so be it. Its her relationship and her decisions. Sometimes people have to make their own mistakes. You cant just talk someone out of being with another person. However, it IS YOUR wedding. I guess you just have to decide what matters more to you- having her there or having him NOT there. Besides, its not like you would have to interact with him really.. I mean there will be plenty of guests that would get your attention. He would just be another face in the crowd.

This really is a tough one. I wish you luck and i hope everyone gets what they want

Post # 14
Member
1211 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I get where you’re coming from…but there’s no way to NOT invite him without hurting your friendship or putting her in an impossible situation. 

Post # 15
Member
2543 posts
Sugar bee

It sucks that he is like that, but I feel like it would hurt your friendship with your MOH if you don’t invite him

Post # 16
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

My best friend who was the maid of honor at my wedding is dating the biggest loser on earth.. a little backstory he has been on and off with drugs, tried to steal to get drugs which landed him in prison, can be pretty rude to people, tried to ruin one of my wedding events, obviously cant get a job he’s just a BIG joke the fact that my friend is with him at times makes me question her self esteem but the fact is I didn’t trust someone like that at my wedding and told her is his not invited.. she understood and went solo. If this guy is as terrible as you say I think it would be wrong of your friend to make your feel that if he wasn’t invited she wouldnt go. I say be up front and honest with her after all it IS YOUR WEDDING

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