Post # 1
I’ve been reading so many of these boards looking for advice, and I just can’t find anything specific to my situation so I’m posting my own in hopes that you guys have advice that I need to hear. 🙂
I’ve been with my FI for 3 1/2 years – we got engaged in Feb and our wedding is in exactly 1 month. I’ve been feeling good about all of it – knew I wanted to marry him, etc, until a couple weeks ago after my wedding shower. Suddenly, it sunk in that I was going to be marrying him FOREVER. Forever. No other dates. No other guys. This was my only one FOREVER, and this would be my life FOREVER. That got me thinking about something that has always bothered me a little bit about our relationship which is that I feel we are more like friends than a couple.
We met on Match.com and since the beginning, we’ve been great friends. We have so much in common and have so much fun together, but there hasn’t been a ton of chemistry or romance. But honestly, I’ve always pushed that aside because he has so many other great qualities that I love. However, now that I’m a month away from commiting my life to him and him only, I find myself wondering if I’m going to miss that chemistry – if being bestfriends is enough to support a marriage for 50 years – or if I’ll always wish I had kept looking for that.
I’m really at a loss. My FI knows all of this and is being supportive as I look for an answer, but the wedding is a month away and everything is basically on hold until I decide if I want to move forward. There are moments when I feel like “ok, I want this – I will be happy” and then I picture myself in front of everyone saying “till death do us part” and I feel like I’m suffocating.
Any advice would be great!! Thanks so much!!
Post # 3
If you have doubt like this you should walk away now. It’s best for both of you. In my personal opinion just friendship is not enough to support a marriage.. you have to have the passion too.
Post # 4
Here is the info I would need to answer your question:
– how is your sex life?
– do you feel loved by him?
– do you feel like you are on eachother’s side?
– are you a “grass is greener on the other side” type of personality, in that, are you usually a little unsatisfied?
Post # 5
I think every bride has a moment that hits her and you realize that you are spending the rest of your life with one person. But it’s the emotions attached to that realization that make the difference. For me, I was excited and realized how in love I am with my FI. If you start to question your chemistry and all these “what-if’s” pop in your head, then that’s not good and I would end it now. Honestly your post sounds like it’s more than cold feet.
You want friendship in a relationship because sometimes the passion may fade here and there and you want to know that you can still be with someone and enjoy their company. But if the passion was never there to start, you are missing a key element to your relationship. Life gets crazy and hectic. I get exhausted and so maybe my FI and I aren’t as “active” as we were when we first started dating but the chemistry is still there.
If you have any doubts if this is the right thing, then I would end it. How does your FI feel? It must hurt him to know that he may not be “enough”?
Post # 6
Poptart – I think it’s 100% normal to have huge freakouts 1 month before the wedding. That being said, I have no idea (nor will anyone else here) what the right decision is for you. 🙂 I think it depends on how far towards “friends” you are on the spectrum, and if that’s something you personally can live with. I know someone who is going through a divorce right now and revealed he and his wife have sex 3-4 times a YEAR. He married her anyway (even though that was always the situation) thinking he would be fine, and 13 yrs and 3 kids later, he is not. But some people would be okay with that.
Bottom line – how are are you from your ideal?
Post # 7
I wish I could have forever with my FI. He has a terminal illness and we most definitely will NOT have a FOREVER together. If you were in this situation and you were okay with not having forever, walk away now.
For the record, yes I know your situation is different, I’m just putting “forever” into perspective.
Post # 8
it seems to me like the couples that are the best of friends get along wonderfully later in life.. but in the now, sex and chemistry is very important. Have you tried new things? shaken things up? maybe you could just be in a rut. Try something unexpected (doesn’t have to be crazy!) like go out for dinner to a place that you eat with your fingers, or have a lot of wine pairing. Go out of your comfort zone with someone you are comfortable with and it ends up being a very interesting night.
Post # 9
i was “friends” with my ex-husband for 8 years and thats what kept us together…but our marriage couldn’t support that. we kept breaking up and getting back together because we missed the friendship, not the relationship. ultimately we divorced and it was awful BECAUSE we were friends.
take that for what its worth, but please dear, whatever you do, please dont let an internet message board make these decisions for you.
Post # 10
If you have doubts, you should at the very least delay getting married. Figure out what you want in the next couple of months and decide to move forward with the wedding or not. When in doubt – time to get out!
Post # 11
I think feelings of cold feet are normal. I certainly wouldn’t suggest you walk away based SOLELY on this post. Of course only you know the minute details of your situation and what you want to do or what you should do.
I’d only recommend that you seek counseling ASAP (like call today and get an appt for as early as you can, tomorrow hopefully).
Post # 12
BTW, I’m a date twin, and I had my freak-out about a month ago.
For me it was that marriage meant that I had to try to work it out, no matter what. I guess I hadn’t really thought about how…safe it felt that I could always bounce. We own a house and have been together for over 6 years, so it wouldn’t be simple, but still. I am basically vowing to stick it out, even if I don’t want to at the time. It isn’t as if we fight a lot or anything, but for a really independent person, knowing I could walk kind of felt good.
What has won me over is that even though I still have complicated feelings about marriage, my feelings aren’t complicated about FI. If there is anyone I can stick it out with, who’s faults I can ignore, who’s victories I want to celebrate, who’s ridiculousness I can love but laugh at, it is FI.
Post # 13
So sorry you are going through this. Chemistry can’t be changed “too much” although with some people it does increase over time. I had an ex in high school in which there wasn’t hardly any chemistry at first, but it grew within a few weeks and we were together a year. But I don’t know after 3 1/2 years if it would grow more than it is now.
Romance is something that can always change or be changed. Is he not romantic enough? Or when he is romantic, do you mean it just doesn’t “do it for you”? Like, it doesn’t give you a warm, fuzzy feeling?
Honestly, I wouldn’t marry him unless you are as sure as you can be. It’s not fair to him and it certainly won’t make you happy in the long run if your fears come true.
Before you were engaged, did you see yourself marrying him?
So sorry you are going thru this.
Post # 14
I’m going to tell you what my mother would say: Nothing is permanent, nothing is forever.
Harsh, right? But really, you need to sit down and ask yourself if you are missing the brand new feeling or if you are really unsure if you want to be married. And if you decide to get married, and a few years down the line feel like you’re nothing but glorified roommates, then it’s time to reevaluate again.
Post # 15
I feel like chemistry is something between your ears and you have to constantly work at it. This is just a bump in the road and the feeling could happen 5 years down the road when you are married. Personally- I wouldn’t question it too hard if this guy is as great as you say he is. I would be honest with him and your fears and I would express your vunerability to him and maybe even explore couple’s therapy. It will bring you closer together.
Hugs! You will get through this!
Post # 16
Thanks sooo much for all of the advice. While I definitely won’t make a decision based on only what you all say, it really helps to hear all of your advice. A little more info since some of you have asked for it:
I’ve spent the last 2 weeks reading just about every piece of self-help wedding stuff I can get my hands on and I keep coming back to the “Mr. Good Enough” article/book that I’m sure many of you have heard about. I’m 29 and this guy is amazing in so many ways and if we’re missing a little chemistry, so what – I want kids and a family and so does he so I should just do this.
Then, I come back to my true self who has always been a romantic and I have to admit that I always thought I’d feel differently about the person I was marrying. So many of you have said on the boards that your FI is “the love of your life” or you’re “madly in love.” I wouldn’t use either of those phrases to describe my FI, and I sort of want to keep looking for someone that I would say those things about. But then again, I come full circle to being 29 and him being Mr. Good Enough (and he really is in so many ways).
When it comes to the chemistry/romance that’s missing, I feel like it’s so much more than just sex. I don’t feel like I have ever taken his breath away – I don’t feel like he thinks I’m “hot” – He doesn’t make me feel like the prettiest girl in the world. I know he thinks I’m cool and have good taste and dress good and all of that, but that physical attraction component seems to be missing (even though he says it’s there for him).
This is all very hard for him, of course. My doubts have put a huge divide between us, and now we’re just in a huge mess. (However, these are not knew fears to him – we’ve had this problem come up in our relationship several times prior.)
Again, thanks so much for taking the time to offer advice!!