(Closed) Major Cold Feet, Nearly Frostbite

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
271 posts
Helper bee

Okay, let’s look at this part “I think I may be in denial, I do not know, but one thing is for sure, this feels more like a chore than a luxury.”

Let’s say you could both up and leave on a gorgeous cruise to a private island where you could elope with no one else around, no fuss, no traditions, no people to please, no schedule to keep, just you two, your vows, and your memories to make.

Would this appeal? Becuase you might want to seperate out your angst for the wedding versus your angst for the relationship…



Post # 4
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m a bit confused as to what exactly you’re getting cold feet about — being married to your Fiance (who you said there’s no problem with), or just having the wedding (due to all the other stress in your life)? Is not everything paid off for it? Are you two financing it and therefore going to be hurting when it’s all said and done?

I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through all that during what should be a joyful time for you and Fiance. But just for clarification, is there actually anything “wrong” with your guy? Are you questioning whether or not he’s the right person for you? Is he not supporting you enough throughout all this stress? Sorry to ask like a thousand questions… just trying to get a better idea of where you are coming from. 🙂

Post # 5
420 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I definitely know how you are feeling. We have not 100% set our date.. but something/ things are holding me back.  Of course in my case my Fiance is also having doubts… so I think you are better off than I am. But, without my FI’s doubts, I have many of my own. I am not sure if they are about HIM or the plans or what. I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about the wedding. It may be because our wedding is going to be back in Canada and I have to make all of the arrangements alone and from so far away… or it may be that I am unsure about marrying him. This is by far the hardest time in my life. How can you not know if it is the planning, the cost, the getting married or the man??!! Really. How could a person not know the difference. BUT it seems that I do not know the difference. I don’t think I have helped you, but for me, it makes me feel a little better that I am not the only person in the world, with fear and doubts. I hope it may have made you feel a little bit better. As for the choice, it sucks, but only you can decide. Trust your instincts is all I can say. Just really try to imagine life without him and see how that feels.

I really wish you the best of luck. Hugs to you…

Post # 6
2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I guess my question to you would be: If you could just marry him in at the courthouse tomorrow would you?

I think that would help you to determine whether it is your relationship with him that is the cause for your stress or if it’s the planning that’s the source of your anxiety.

Throughout the wedding planning process there have been times when I wish I could just scrap the whole thing but that hasn’t changed my desire to want to marry my Fiance. I could understand getting stressed about planning an event with all that moving and the sadness around your dad’s illness coupled with your change in financial situation – but do you still love your FI? Do you still want to be with him?

Post # 7
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think this is kind of normal, esp. considering all that you are going through. It sounds like a lot of stress.

I agree withe Camrie. If you could just run off and go to the courthouse, would you? Or, flip it and look at it like this- can you picture your life without him, and in doing so, are you happier? Because if you cancel at this point, that might happen.


Post # 8
1079 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I had moments of doubt – not many and I kept squashing them. Now that we’re married I couldn’t be happier. Not worries, no doubts. I can’t believe how much less stressed I feel now that I’m not planning the wedding. If there’s no rational reason your Fiance is causing doubts you may just be stressed.

Post # 9
58 posts
Worker bee

Ok first I must say that I’m sorry you are going thru so much at this time in your life. However, I don’t think the problem is not your fiance or the wedding. The problem is that you are feeling  “horrible/guilty/miserable” and I think understandably so, given the circumstances of your life at this time. But I think to get perspective on this situation you should ask yourself a few questions.

1. Are you feeling “horrible/guilty/miserable” because you don’t feel right about celebrating under such circumstances?

2. Don’t be offended, but wouldn’t you rather share the experience of your wedding day with your dad while he is still with you? I would think that he would want to know that you are with (married) to someone that makes you happy. My best friend is sad because her dad is gone and so he wont be able to share that experience with her. 

3. If you didn’t have your fiance in your life, at this time, would that make your life easier and less stressful or harder? Would your life be easier without his support (emotionally and financially)? Did he have anything to do with you loosing your job, having to move or the health of your loved one… or has he been supportive through it all and helped your get through it?

3. Are you viewing your wedding as something else to do when everything is not going well, or are you viewing it as a a celebration of live and love and family because life is fleeting so each day is precious and should be enjoyed. View your wedding as a break from the craziness that is your life right. It is one thing that you can totally control…. well mostly. So, try to get away and enjoy your family, if not his….Wink  Since you are having a destination wedding go and enjoy and when you get back deal with life. 

P.S. If you think your fiance doesn’t make enough money why not discuss him going back to school?

Try to think in terms of what you are grateful for in life and know trouble doesn’t last forever.

Post # 10
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

It sounds like your overwhelming anxiety about life in general is taking over your feelings about your wedding. You’ve had some of life’s most stressful trials thrown at you (dying parent while laid off and moving multiple times? enough to drive anyone off an edge). Try and sit down and tease apart the reasons for your fears. Is it that you feel lost without your high profile job, and you no longer see “yourself” in the relationship? Try and find something you love outside of your Fiance to motivate you. Is it that you are lonely in a new place? Can you join a meetup group or take a new yoga or art class? Is it that your father is dying? My grandmother just died, and my mother has had the same total loss of herself while caring for her.

Bottom line: you have a million reasons outside of your Fiance to feel lost and sad. Take a closer look. It could be you and your Fiance, it could be your wedding, or it could just be that life is intensely overwhelming right now, and you just need the break!

Post # 11
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Unemployment, moving and planning a wedding are all really stressful things, and it is not surprising that you are struggling right now.  I think it might be helpful to meet with a counselor to discuss the root cause of your feelings – it is entirely possible that all of your problems are caused by the anxiety of moving and unemployment, or it is possible that although your fi is a wonderful person, he might not be the right one for you.  Hopefully, a counselor would be able to help you identify the causes of your anxiety.

Post # 13
18645 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

It seems to me like the only problem that you have with your Fiance is that he isn’t successful?  I don’t really understand it, was he successful before and has had some bad luck or has he never been very successful in business?  Why is this so important to you, just because you don’t have a job right now and have been forced to move 3 times?

Personally, I don’t think that your life being out of order is what is causing these feelings.  That sounds more like a scapegoat to me.  I think that the two of you need to have a serious talk about your relationship.

Post # 14
520 posts
Busy bee

No advice, just hugs.  You have a lot of decisions to make, best of luck with them.

Post # 15
583 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Think about where you want to be in 10 years or 50 years. Do you want him to be by your side or not? Regardless of how successful he ends up being. 

Post # 16
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

There is something to be said about being embarassed by the person you are with.  They can be a wonderful person, but if you blush every time someone asks about his career, then you have a problem.  I don’t really have good advice for getting over it, but my opinion is that you are correct in feeling that you have a problem in your relationship that may mean you shouldn’t get married.  Even if he’s great and your relationship is perfect.

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