Post # 1
I seriously feel like screaming!! I have always felt tension from my future Mother-In-Law since the early days when me and my fiance started dating. She is one of those moms that was just controlling and rude behind your back. I’ve never had the guts to confront her to her face about it but over the years we have had countless fights about his mom and the way she acts toward me (I want to scream GET OVER IT ALREADY! I’VE BEEN DATING YOUR SON FOR 7 ****ing YEARS!). We are now past the hostile trying to subtly get rid of me phase, but she is still just as annoying as ever.
Dealing with the guest list has been an absolute nightmare. We never wanted a large wedding, mainly because we wanted it to be very nice and everything we had imagined it would be while at the same time we couldn’t afford some huge bash. We had wanted the guest list to stay around 100 guests maximum. She insisted on inviting every last second cousin and now she herself has invited about 140 people. We made cut backs and reluctantly said ok, even though now neither one of us are excited that half the the people at the wedding we won’t even or will barely know.
On top of the over inviting, it took me (not even kidding) at least 10 times of asking to get the addresses from her. I made all of the invitations myself, so it was a lot of work. She finally gave me the last of the addresses today (2 1/2 months before the wedding. 2 weeks before the rsvp request date).
My fiance and I are also in the process of buying a house. We are putting a 20% down payment on a house at the end of March, so we are super strapped for cash between that and the wedding. Now keep in mind she did contribute $5,000 to the budget but we all know in the wedding world with a 200 person guest list that is not a lot.
So my annoyance… over the past few weeks she randomly decided that she HAS to invite 16 more people that she works with. She said to me that THEY told her that she should be able to invite whoever she wants, because after all this only happens once. She however told them that she was sorry and that WE wouldn’t let her invite them. Who does that?!?! She has literally asked us about 5 times and we say no that’s not really possible we don’t have the money. She insists on paying for these people, but in her head that means paying for their food. She doesn’t get that it also means more tables, more centerpieces, more everything. The worst part is that we are already struggling with it that today we were even talking about cutting out the limo.
So after telling her a million times no, she left a voicemail on his phone today asking “is there any way at all I can invite my friends?” WHAT DO I DO???? I don’t know how many more times we can be clear about it. I want to scream at her, tell her she is making things horribly difficult. Ryan however is a bit of a mama’s boy and when he thinks he is being stern with her it is him sugar coating everything and not even sounding annoyed.
HELP ME PLEASE!!!
Post # 3
First of all, dang! Good for you guys for putting down 20%. That is awesome, you should be very proud. I don’t know where you live, but that isn’t easy in any part of the country.
Second, I think the only thing you can do it respond with a voice message, “No, there is no way at all that you can invite your friends.” Don’t leave any door open. She has already gotten a ton of concessions out of you, its time to enequivocally put the foot down.
Post # 4
You are so much a better person than I. I would have “lost” all of her friends’ invitations…
All you can do is let your Fiance handle it. Keep telling her no. OR you could actually come up with a cost per person of her new invites…explain to her that because of all the extras, it will actually cost ($) per person, and if she wants to foot that bill ON TOP OF the $5000 she has put in, then you MAY be able to accomodate them. Make sure to include everything:
$ per plate food
$ linen rental for 2 tables
$ flatware and plate rental per person
$ centerpieces for two tables
$ set up fee per table
$ per chair fee for reception AND wedding
$ per extra program
$ per extra favor
$ per person for the open bar, champagne, wine served
$ extra decor per person (like chargers, napkins, etc)
$ chair rentals/chair covers/chair sashes
I don’t know how much of that you’re doing, but it could be as high as $250-$300 per person, which is $4800 extra. If she saw the numbers, maybe she would realize she’s asking the impossible. (You could even explain how much of her $5000 went toward the 140 people she has ALREADY invited! Like, um, all of it? And that didn’t even cover them…)
Post # 5
That sucks 🙁 sorry.
If you don’t really care if the extra guests are there…since it’s already too late to make any sort of boundaries with her obviously and there’s already so many people you don’t know (what’s a few more)… and it’s more just about the money, I would figure out how much more you would have to pay per person for tables, centerpieces, food, etc and tell her fine, you can invite them, but we need this much money from you for each person you invite to cover the extra costs. If she’s not willing to pay that, then no extra guests…that’s final.
If you don’t want anymore people there, I don’t really think there’s anything more you can do. You’ve told her no, she’s not listening…so just tune her out as best you can. Your fiance should really talk to her, but even if he did stand up to her, there’s no guarantee she’d stop then either.
Post # 6
Do you not want them to come at all, or is it a cost issue? If the first, then simply say no – better yet, have your fiance call and tell her. If the latter, you could let her know that you’ve maxed out the budget, so each additional guest from here on out would require an extra $XX contribution from her (whatever would *fully* cover the extra expense).
Post # 7
First of all remember you are marrying HIM not HER. I know how very frustrating this situation must be. I would let her know that you guys have already accommodated the 140+ people she wanted to invite. Thank her for offering to pay for her extra guests but, try and explain that there are other costs (tables, more centerpieces, more favors ect) that go along with inviting more people that you two can simply not afford 2 and a half months before the wedding. I know to her it may seem as though you are being unreasonable but, remember it’s YOUR wedding. Don’t feel obligated to invite more people even if she gave you guys $5,000 towards wedding costs. That shouldn’t be a bargaining tool for her.
I hope that helps a little!
Post # 8
You are being extremely nice and acommodating to her. I would just tell her “no”, and drop the subject. If she keeps it up just give her a look and go back to whatever you were saying or doing. She sounds so unreasonable. I wonder if you say yes she’ll find ten more people she has to invite. Uggghhh
Post # 9
thank you guys for your support/advice… it definitely helps to have people to just really understand. i talk to people about it, but they don’t know what it is like to balance thousands of dollars for one party and all of the stress/preparation that goes in to it.
it really is both though, a cost issue and simply just not wanting them there. trust me when i say that she already has plenty of friends outside of the family coming. these remaining are just more random people that neither i nor my FH have even met before. so it goes both way, one we can’t afford it and two we have already been bummed that it is going to be a ton of people that we don’t know or barely know already.
it really just mainly kills me that she says things to me like after all this day only happens once – as if it is her wedding. i’ve made it a point to involve her in stuff because she doesn’t have a daughter, so she’ll never get that true mother daughter wedding experience, but she still has even said to people that she feels left out of the process. i mean come on… how many people bring their future mother in law to dress stores and flower appts and whatever else? i think she is lucky that MY mother doesn’t feel like that whole mother daughter experience is being taken away from her – thank goodness she is much more level headed than that and realizes that what i’ve been dealing with for the last seven years is ridiculous.
Post # 10
Tell her No .. the Venue will not let you add any more guest due to capacity issues!
Post # 11
i was trying to be nice and let her come look at venues with us… she knows the capacity 🙁
Post # 12
2×4 + back of her head = Solution!
Okay, maybe not really, but I’m sure it’d make you feel better (it’d make me feel better if you did).
I like the idea of doing a total cost breakdown of the additional 16 guests (like MightySapphire suggested) and throwing that at her, then subtly mentioning that the $5k she did donate only really covered x of her ridiculous 140 person guest list.
“Ugh” on your behalf.
Post # 13
Just say no.
Mention that with your house budget there is no way that you can afford the extra amount and you don’t feel comfortable having people you don’t know at your wedding.
She ask again…rinse and repeat. 🙂
I say you treat this as a game. Realize that she is acting like a child and repeat the reason you gave her the last time you spoke. Don’t change it, don’t add additional reasons.
I think this will come down to who is more stuborn. After 7 years of her trying to get rid of you, you are marrying your man. My money’s on you!
Post # 14
I think that you should just leave it at what you say Future Mother-In-Law told the work people, “She however told them that she was sorry and that WE wouldn’t let her invite them.” you’re never going to meet these people, so who cares what they think of you. Let her blame you. Who cares.
My mom is telling people who want to be invited to my wedding that I won’t let her. I don’t care what they think: I invited her friends that I know!
Post # 15
I can’t imagine how frustrating this has become for you! I get all worked up hearing about this stuff because I’ve had some minor issues myself. I think the thing that I would do is… NOTHING. Its your FI’s mother so he should be the one handling this. It sounds like he is so that’s good, just avoid the urge to bring it up at all, even if you think you can manage to come off in a friendly way. And I think he has to continue to be firm. No is no. You shouldn’t have to compromise what you want for your wedding for who she wants at YOUR wedding! And since you’ve already done a lot of that, she’s just going to have to deal with it.
Post # 16
honestly, I’d give her a big number for how much it will cost for her to invite her friends. I’d actually add on all the other people she insisted on inviting that you didn’t want to invite too.
That way if she pays up, at least you have some exrta money in your pocket, even though you will have to deal with all those extra people.
My main point of caution would be to make sure you and your fiance are on the same page before you respond to Future Mother-In-Law.