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@grapefruitgal: Aw, hugs!!! I can totally see why his joke hurt your feelings even though he didn't intend to hurt you. I can see myself having the same reaction! I think it's super sweet that he told you he probably thinks about his plan more than you think about the "when" and "how"...
Could you make him his favorite dessert or dinner?
"Nope. I'm fine"
international speak for take cover, shes about to explode!
he made you feel bad with the 2014 joke and you made him feel bad but then you talked it out. hopefully things will be easier for you from now on
Welllll, luckily for you, Valentine's day is right around the corner. Write out all of the reasons why you love him on little hearts, and think about them long and hard! It's nice to know WHY someone loves you, and it's nice to know they don't take you for granted. It sounds like you really know what kind of a catch he is.
You should probably be talking more openly about this process with one another so that meltdowns can't build to this level. If you guys had a more open dialogue about pressures/expectations/how you're feeling in general about the progress of the relationship, I think it'd be healthier - not just for this, but as a primer for important and stressful situations once you are married.
@grapefruitgal: Aw :-) I think your SO's reply was wonderful - when I say stuff like you did my SO says that he feels like a pawn in my future plans and could be anyone, so perhaps I should go and find someone who will be willing to put a ring on my finger now - no joke, that's really what he says. SO count yourself very lucky.
As for something nice, how about cooking him his favourite meal and getting all dressed up (just to look good for him)
To be honest, I think this wasn't a bad thing, at least he knows how you feel. And, you have a very maximum of 323 days. Hang in there!
@JulesSchnooks: I totally agree. Writing it out in a vday card should sort it out without turning it into a big issue again.
maybe this could help you out?
you could start with the positive: say how much you love him etc.
then bring up the issue and summarise how you felt, in comparison to how you feel now and why you are sorry.
end with something that closes the issue on an optimistic note and at the same time focuses on something different. e.g. telling him that you trust him and that's why you love him, that's you're so happy to be spending v day with him once again, etc
I don't think you need to apologize. He upset you, you were honest with him about why those kinds of jokes hurt your feelings, and he apologized. I don't think you should have to apologize for having an emotional response to something that's important to you, and it doesn't sound like you lashed out or tried to hurt him with your words. It sounds to me like y'all had an argument that you resolved like mature adults, and that no more apologies are needed.
I don't think you owe him an apology. I don't know why guys joke like that. It isn't funny, its teasing. If he hadn't said it you would have been fine. (can you tell i'm in the same boat as you?lol) Maybe this experience has taught him that it isn't something to joke about. It is hard to deal with, especially when you have to deal with the questions and looks from other people.
i dont think anything else needs to be done. you talked it out and are on the same page now. now you can go back to enjoying your time together. hope yall have a nice valentines day :)
Thanks everyone... I knew the bees would help me out!
You all have very valid suggestions and very helpful words of advice!
Rather than doing something as an "I'm Sorry", I'll do something just to get us back on track. I'll roll it all together and do something nice for V-Day :)
All in all, he's quite the catch and (shock!) he's right... this shouldn't be the tone for when the engagement does come. I think we needed this to get on to the same page and get things out in the open without ruining the ever important "surprise" element of the engagement.
Thanks again ladies!
@grapefruitgal: Okay, he said "trust me, trust me, trust me". But does that mean, "trust me, the engagement is still 2012", or "trust me, the engagement is 2014 but I will definitely do it by then"? Those are 2 very different things. Did you get any clarity?
You have every right for your feelings to be honored and valued. Next time, it's okay to speak up right away if he says something you don't like. I learned when I was younger that sitting in silence (for as long as you did... like several hours) will only eat you inside. And if he asks what's wrong, it's okay to say what's wrong immediately, instead of him playing detective. You deserve to be listened to and heard!
Good luck! Let us know what happens. Can you ask him again which year he is proposing?
Yes, I have done the meltdown too. It feels terrible but it happens. My so also said trust me, and to let him plan. So that's what I'm doing.
I know how terrible it feels to keep everything inside at this point. Focus on the relationship and you will enjoy the wait. It takes work but I think it is worth it.
Look, sometimes we do and say things that we don't mean or we let our emotions get the best of us. I don't think you need to apologize for that. In fact, I think that's just a big difference between men and women. We wear our emotions on our sleeves. The important thing to note here is your boyfriend obviously loves you a LOT and he comforted you and asked you to trust him. I'm sure he felt bad about his joke. He sounds like an awesome guy. Don't feel weak or ashamed for being true to yourself and letting him know how it made you feel. I think sometimes we get so paranoid about being clingy and needy and putting lots of pressure on our SOs to propose, but we need to remember that our feelings are valid and sometimes they need to be shared!
@Mrs.Harmony we've had a timeline discussion before. He had told me that we would be engaged within 2012, and I have no reason to doubt that, even after the joke. It was just a joke, but wasn't a very funny one. Thanks for your concern and advice!
SillyStacey- I'm glad I'm not alone. I think you're right... focus on the relationship and enjoy the wait. It will make the day he does propose that much sweter :) Thanks!
shirasagi- Thanks... he is an awesome guy and I'm very lucky. He loves me a ton and wouldn't have made the joke purposefully if he knew that it would incite such a reaction from me. I definitely wear my emotions on my sleeve, and most of the time, I think he appreciates that. All in all, things are good now and I think we probably BOTH feel better having had this conversation.
OP- he knows you are sorry, you don't have to do anything else :)
aww these poor men...they have NO clue what they are doing to us by making us "wait" like this for the "perfect plan" that they are coming up with in their heads. When in reality...we don't even NEED/want the perfect plan. We just want a ring from our men as an eternal promise to love and cherish us :) That's all, guys! I do my bessssst to not outwardly freak out because I don't want to act in a way that makes him wtf is wrong with you hahaha. Like we aren't questioning their love, it's just that we don't understand the HOLD UP. WHY does it take so long for them...my idea of soon is next week. His idea of soon is probably 6 months time...for example. You know? I think they want to surprise us so much and have it be so perfect because I believe they think we need/want the fairytale awesomeness. I think us "waiting" bees wouldn't care if he popped out the ring when we were brushing our teeth in the morning or just got back from the gym hahahaa. Ya know?? Hang in there girl :) He knows what he's doing, just trust in him and spend your time making your relationship even more awesome than it already is :)
@grapefruitgal: Yay, glad to see it's all worked out. I wear my heart on my sleeve too and SO always says he loves that I'm so emotional. He has NO idea what I'm going through in the "waiting" for him to propose hahaha. I just want it so much :) But I know he will do it...so we are in the same boat.
It must have been meltdown weekend as I had a horrible fit followed by lots of making up yesterday. Big hugs to you. I hope you can stay focused in the waiting and enjoy the days without further sobs or hurt feelings. I know it can take all you have some days...
DaisyDreamer.. Aw! Big hugs to you too! I hope you can stay focused too. Are you feeling any better after your metldown? It really can be tough, but I have been trying to tell myself since crumbling that the better I make this waiting period, the better the proposal is going to be when it happens.
If I had the guts to do that, and say what you did and cry. He'd ask me a lot faster because he hates seeing me upset. I'm glad you had a meltdown because sometimes that's what it takes. I'm glad he reassured you, but guys are sometimes asses and don't think about what they say will actually affect us. <3
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Oh bees... I had a major moment of weakness yesterday night :(
So, my SO and I went to dinner last night and somehow (despite my best efforts) the topic of an engagement came up. SO made a stupid joke "But it's not even 2014 yet. Hahaha". He has already told me we would be engaged within 2012, but for some reason this comment just really rubbed me the wrong way. I just don't think that a joke is very sensitive when he knows that this waiting period is tough for me.
After the joke, I basically shut down. We went to a movie and then as we were driving back to my car (still parked at work), he said "I know something's wrong. I think you're mad about the joke I made".
"Nope. I'm fine"
"Well, you're obviously not."
"No, you're right, I'm not. *Sob* You have no idea how hard this time is for me. The expecations are different for you. You work with the same 2 people day in and day out. *Sob* I work in a field with all women and my coworkers aren't shy about asking me why we've been together for so long without a ring. *sob* Every person I see has a ring on their finger. *Sob* Every friend I have is getting engaged before me and haven't been with their SO's nearly as long. *Sob* You hurt my feelings *sob* by making a joke *sob* about my life *sob* and whats important to me *sob*.
We sat in the car in total silence for about 2 minutes. After waiting for him to say sometihng, I said "Drive safe" and got out of the car. I went to my car and started cleaning it off and he got out and came over. He finally talked and said:
"You just need to trust me. I have a plan, and I've been thinking about it for a long time now. I probably think about this more than you do. Just.... trust me, babe. When the time comes for this thing to happen, I don't want this to be the tone. Just trust me."
I literally crumpled in his arms in a fit of tears. It was a horrible, messy, rotten meltdown and I felt/feel like such a turd for having a moment like this. I have been trying SOOO hard to keep these feelings underwraps and just push through this. Ultimately, things are okay now and we have promised no more engagement talks, and certainly no more engagement jokes but I still feel like an idiot.
I'd like to do something nice for SO as an "I'm sorry" without actually bringing this back up again. Any advice?