Post # 1
Hi! So, I have been with my FI for almost 3 years now and never have had a real reason not to trust him. He grew up in a family where his mom was a bit of a “tom boy” and so he has always had friends of the opposite sex because it was honestly no big deal in their family…they all had friends of the opposite sex, including her. I think she has more male friends than female, really.
If you have read my previous posts, you’ll know that I come from a family with MAJOR issues…Very dysfunctional to say the least. Parents FINALLY divorced after nearly 27 years, and it was rough growing up. Mom was pretty psycho…Estranged herself and US from her mother when I was about 11…I was very close to my g-ma, so that was traumatic. Mom and dad always fought…Both were pretty unstable in their own ways. I also had one ex in high school who was pretty emotionally abusive. And, my younger brother, has unfortunately been pretty scarred in the divorce. He is not a nice person and cheats on all of his girlfriends. My father cheated on my mother too..the night before their wedding…(had sex with a stripper at the bachelor party, so I am totally scared of those and adamant that FI will NOT have one although he’d never do that to me.)
Brings me to FI…He has always been so sweet and supportive and makes it clear I am the only girl for him. For some reason I have completely irrational trust issues still though, no matter what he does. He completely stopped going out drinking/partying soon after we met…Cut off his female best friend when I was uncomfortable with the relationship (I still think she was into him but it was NOT reciprocated…) We had many fights before he cut her off…Toward the end, when she’d text he wouldn’t respond. He did try to hide a few of her texts from me once, because he knew I’d overreact and freak out on him (which I did when I found out and was more upset he was HIDING it from me and LYING. To be fair, I MAJORLY freaked out on him for contacting any other girl at all during the first year or so)…But since, he has cut off contact there completely…He is a genuinely nice guy and can come across kind of flirty even when he doesnt mean to be which sometimes makes me uncomfortable…Like I said though, he grew up in a family where it was fine and NORMAL even to have contact with the opposite sex, even friends. He has none that he talks to on a regular basis now…
We did fight a couple times in the past when he was FB messaging girls just to chat..Never really said anything inappropriate..When I found the messages (pretty innocent overall..he told one girl he’d had a dream about her, which was the WORST message I found, but he said he just said that to spark conversation. Not even a sexual dream or anything..And this was wayy over a year ago. Hasn’t done anything like it since) Anyway, back then he said he was just lonely (We are in an LDR) and wanted someone to talk to and I was busy. he messaged both guys and girls so I know this is true since it was not girls, and I was really possessive back then and never wanted him to go out so it makes sense he was home alone bored.
I say all this to say, FI has NEVER cheated, never even come close to cheating and never would cheat. I know that. I still have major trust issues though..Still sometimes feel a compulsive need to check his FB to make sure he is not messaging girls or go through his phone 🙁 I HATE that I feel this way. I usually never even find anything slightly suspicious, which is good. He is soo excited about our wedding and marrying me..I feel so guilty about my trust issues…it’s like a gut feeling I have not to trust anyone maybe?? He specifically has not done anything wrong. Is this just a leftover reaction from my horrible family experiences? Advice please!
Post # 3
I would say that yes, you definitely have some unmerited trust issues.
Have you considered going by yourself to a counselor/therapist to work through these feelings that you’re having? It could benefit you greatly.
I think in any relationship there can be a *healthy* level of jealousy, but this just isn’t it. If you constantly pressure your FI into dropping his friends, or freak out on him over something that’s not even really inappropriate, it could cause some really big resentment issues which could turn into a problem over time.
It sounds like you guys have a wonderful relationship, and it would be a really big shame to let something like this come between the two of you and create hardships in the future.
I’d definitely be looking for someone to talk to so that you could work through these trust issues, especially since it seems your FI hasn’t really done anything to deserve this kind of paranoia- I’ve always firmly believe that it’s impossible to have any kind of healthy relationship without a foundation of trust.
Post # 4
Oh dear, these are your problems and making him pay freight on it is a recipe for disaster. You’ve essentially cut him off from all of his friends, patrol his every digital move and still find ways to freak out…..what you fear most, you WILL create if you don’t find a way to control yourself.
i’m sorry your childhood was rough, that your parents made things hard, but don’t turn into them….this fear you have is absurd.
Post # 5
@Nona99: This is good advice. Think about it – if a female bee wrote that her SO was reacting this way, what advice would you give her? At least you are aware that you have trust issues, so this is a good start.
Post # 6
have you tried therapy? you have pretty irrational trust issues it seems (i get where they are coming from in your childhood but your FI has done nothing to make you distrustful of him) and I’d hate to see you ruin a wonderful relationship because of it. It’s not fair to you or your FI to continue on this path. It doesnt’ feel good to have people not trust you when you haven’t done anything wrong. I’d grow very resentful of that over time and personally couldn’t be in that type of relationship. I really suggest you try some therapy if you haven’t already.
Good luck hun! It’s exhausting to have such anxiety and negative feelings all the time. Life’s too short not to enjoy every moment! There are some things in life beyond our control – cheating is one of them. No matter what you do to try and prevent it, even if you tell him he can never look at or speak to or see another woman, if he’s going to cheat he will find a way no matter what. Not sayiing he is going to cheat, saying this to try and get you to see that you can’t control it so it’s no sense worrying about it so much! I know it’s easier said than done, but just lessons I have learned over the years and things that have helped me get over some trust issues myself.
Post # 7
Trust issues come across as jealousy and possessiveness in a relationship. You will push your partner away, or at least he will begin hiding everything from you. Its very difficult to turn back from this stage.
You need to start making progressive steps. If I were you I would begin by admitting to him that you are having trouble trusting him for personal reasons (even though you said yourself that he has and never would cheat), apologise and tell him that he is free to contact whoever he wishes. Its not a big deal if he contacts a girl on facebook. That’s just life. You have to get over this stuff or it’ll prevent you enjoying your relationship and life in general.
Post # 8
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
To be honest, no this is not normal at all. I would second going to therapy. It could really really help you work through a lot of these issues which clearly stem from your upbringing. He sounds like a totally trust-worthy sweet guy who’s bending over backwards to make you feel secure, and you still don’t. I would worry that he will not always be so understanding (I wouldn’t be!!!) and that this could cause serious strife in your relationship down the line.
I would really look into counseling, for the sake of your relationship. You don’t want to lose this guy because of your irrational fears and controlling behavior, right? Good luck love xox
Post # 9
Your partners friendship with whomever, has nothing to do with you. I do not mean to sound harsh but I think you will understand that asking him to cut off a friend because of your issues, is asking a lot.
I would second going to therapy; even going to Al Anon would help a lot. I think you have some co dependency issues sparked from your childhood. ( I have been there myself) and this is something that with self awareness and honesty, you can work through.
Also, your partner can be friends with females, without being sexual, is something of value.
Post # 10
I agree, it’s time to go see an individual therapist about this. It is possible to take positive steps to undo the childhood patterns we saw. You are a prime candidate for it!
Post # 11
mmm I think you’ve noticed that this entire planet is covered with males and females. Are you going to bar him from working with a female coworker at work? the good thing is that you are aware of these issues, but now you need to work to get over them because they really are irrational and over-the-top. Most people would have been driven away already.
I second (third? fourth?) the suggestion for therapy.
Post # 13
I agree with all of the comments here. I will just say that your trust issues are not irrational. You have perfectly rational reasons for not trusting your SO, given the fact that you don’t seem to have any model for how functional, honest relationships work. So don’t beat yourself up too much over your inability to trust your SO. Fortunately, your fiance sounds like a good man (aside from the lying, which did sound some warning bells in my head). You have a lot of unprocessed trauma that is causing you to take things out on your SO, and until you work through your unprocessed issues (preferably with a licensed therapist), you will continue to push him away with your jealousy. I recommend seeing an individual and couple’s counselor to help work through some of your past and to help you move forward in a healthy way so that he doesn’t feel policed and accused, and you don’t feel crazy with jealousy/fear.
Post # 14
You are going to smother him and crush him like a helpless little bunny in your hands if you don’t stop! When I read your post I was thinking, “dear god, most posts are about the girl being emotionally abused by the guy, but she’s abusing him!”. I too can be a jealous person on a rare occassion and I usually snap myself out of it, but the type of jealousy you’re talking about is worse than I was at my worst when I was really really insecure in high school. You are an adult. You are getting married, yay!
He sounds like he really loves you. Like, really really loves you. I can picture his thoughts being similar to other troubled Bees on here, like, “but I love her and she’s a sane person MOST of the time! So I’ve lost my best friend and I can’t have normal private chats with my friends on Facebook, but if I just show her she can trust me, things will get better. Maybe after we’re married…”
It sounds like you’ve had a hard childhood and I’m so sorry, but if you want your marriage to be a happy one, please see a therapist!