(Closed) MAJOR vent…. You have been warned!

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
3303 posts
Sugar bee

Welcome!!! I know you have had the talk- but have you both talked about timelines? Have you told him, “I would like to by engaged by (insert date or season here) so that I can start planning a (enter date or season) wedding.” Some men unfortunately, need it spelled out for them otherwise, you iwll be waiting until the sun and moon align with the rest of the universe. 

Post # 4
72 posts
Worker bee

@Lubylu89: I feel exactly the same way, don’t worry.  I’m really sick of waiting.  Last night we were at a party and I realized we were the only couple there who was not engaged or married.  I told him that and was kind of sad about it.  He looked at me and said, “You will be my wife. That’s for sure.” And, as usual this past week, he was big on the “I love you so much” and being really expressive about his feelings for me.

However – and I posted before about this and its been bothering me – he had told me that his only hesitation was the money and he had to save money for a ring.  I know that’s not true because I help him with his banking and I know how much he has.  And last night I brought that up… and he basically admitted to that being bullshit, that he didn’t need to save for a ring. But gave me no other answers, and left me confused as to why he keeps saying he is ready, but then tries to make excuses to keep putting it off. He also told me that he does not have a ring. I went to bed with him asking me what was wrong, and I just said, “I’m so confused…” and went to sleep.  How am I supposed to believe when he says that I’ll be his wife, when he’s clearly just trying to steer clear of engagement?

Sorry, I had to vent too 🙂

But hang in there…stay strong, even thought 15 (WOW) of your friends are engaged.  Just try to think of what a fun time you’ll have at those weddings instead of worrying about your own…that’s what I’m going try to do withnthe THREE weddings we have this summer! All those Save The Dates on our fridge can get a little maddening!

Post # 6
7054 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think before any challenge is done, that there should be a very serious serious discussion with so.

Why?  You have to know if he is 100 percent on the same page with you, as he would want marriage and/or a family.

I’d also let it be known gently in the talk, that you aren’t waiting forever.  I’d then simply change the subject and move onto something lighter.

He has to know you’re not forever waiting.  A sweet yet focused warning shot needs to be fired.  And you need to know where he stands.

I think that part is key.  Where he stands.  It’s crucial as some guys will not ever want to change anything, esp if they are ok like they are now.  My cousin got crushed by somebody like that.

I had a cousin who went so far as to plan the wedding to her bf, with him saying he was ready to get married, but was willling to let her even plan the wedding by herself (she paid for most of it) and then, without the formal ring or engagement he backed out of everything before it.  She never got an engagement ring either, as he said he was going to give it to her at the wedding. 

He just strung her along.   She was out quite a bit of money, bought a dress, and her heart was broken.

Why?  He didn’t ever say he really wanted to be engaged and he said he didn’t even have the ring.  He said their relationship was “wonderful, but he liked things as they were”.  It crushed her. That’s why I am a fan of having the talk, and letting your SO know that you will not wait forever for them.   

I also have a few friends who are also with guys I call “serial monogamists” meaning they love to be in a relationship, but won’t go that extra mile and propose.  I think there’s lots of them around these days. 

Wish you luck and happiness 🙂

Remember though, after the talk, go into radio silence about the whole M word or the E word.  Like the Valentine’s day challenge suggests to do. 

Sometimes after that talk, you’ll learn all you need to know.  I thought my dh (then fi) was stalling on our getting engaged b/c he talked about it alot but didn’t do anything about it, but in reality, he was really paying off my engagement ring!  In cash nontheless.

We had the talk after I got sick of engagement mentions or our future mentions, then I found out  he definitely was wanting to go the distance with our relationship I stopped.  Got engaged a few months after that.

Post # 7
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

@Bellenga – This is excellent advice! Thank you!

Post # 8
3303 posts
Sugar bee

@bellenga: Excellent advice-
I understand many of you ladies don’t want to give timelines, as timelines do sort of add pressure- however, if you aren’t clear on how long you will wait, you have to get ready that you could be waiting another 2, 5, 10 years for the earth to align for the perfect moment for him to propose.

My SO brought up engagements again yesterday and I sweetly, but seriously, let him know that I wasn’t going to wait forever, he is on “borrowed time”. Since he brought up getting engaged and I didn’t let the M or E word come out of my mouth, I think I stuck to the V-Day challenge, but one thing he is aware of is that I am not going to wait forever while he figures out the right moment.

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