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Hmm.. well I can relate to your first point. I had a few boyfriends before FI and he definitely brings it up in a way that offends me sometimes. Truth is, I know that my relationship with the past boyfriends are simply that ... in the past ... and I'd like to keep it there. I get annoyed when it comes up (which is so very rarely) and usually just ignore it. He doesn't get a rise out of me so he usually lets it go pretty quick.
As far as the $ thing goes... he really needs to sit down with his parents and establish what his salary is. This isn't an allowance, this is income and it will determine the rest of his financial future. his parents should be accommodating to this and surely must understand the need for a little financial security.
Sorry I'm not more help!
re: issue #1: stop talking about your past relationships. PERIOD. It's taken me a very long to realize this in my own life - but I finally understood that current BF's, let alone FH's, don't want to hear that another man was the object of your affections. I know to us girls, it doesn't seem that way (because we are with our FH!) but it strikes some 'man' nerve to them. Chat with your ex to your girlfriends, but leave the ex's out of any future conversations.
The parent issue is the 'real' issue, IMO. Unless he learns to stick up for himself, he'll never get out from under the control of his parents. You and he are planning to be a unit and if he can't figure out where his priorities are with that, you are in for a very long road. Have you discussed your concerns about his controlling family with him? Is he open to finding a new job? Has he respected any wishes of yours to keep YOUR business YOUR business? I can understand families meaning well and wanting to know details, but if you've asked him not to say anything and he feels he HAS to - then, quite frankly, he's not ready to grow up.
Maybe try to talk to him when you aren't heated about it. Sometimes regular conversations can quickly turn into arguments when there's a lot of emotion involved. If you feel you've tried this, perhaps suggest some couple counseling to discuss the extended family. You owe it to yourself to explore this before walking down the aisle.
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Wow these are some really tough issues!
On the first one, it sounds like he's holding onto some insecurity from somewhere. Since you have already talked to him about it, it's hard to know what steps to take next. I would recommend talking to a counselor, but it doesn't sound like your fiance will want to sign on for that.
On the second issue, this really could be a deal breaker. I mean, I know you have already talked to him, but without threatening him, I think you should point out that you expect him to help support your life together and not having regular paychecks is absolutely not working. Unless his parents can at least pay him minimum wage every month, he has to find another job. This isn't something you can go on living with...
I feel bad that you are in this situation, but stick to your guns and tell your fiance what you need. And don't let him tell you that you are being unreasonable, because you are definitely not from an outside perspective! Good luck...
I have talked to him about this many many times. He works with his hands where I work on a computer all day, so he will literally text me and say "find me a new job" or "I hate working here!" so I will. Then once his work day is done he just blows it off and forgets about it. He says he doesn't discuss our finances with them, but I know when he gets really frustrated he'll fly off at them what they are. "Just to shut them up" he says. It's very frustrating.
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I am so sorry to hear about your situation. In all honestly, my friend went through something very similar. The result was a divorce. His family was just in the way of anything and everything they tried to do, and she became flat-out disgusted at the amount of control he let his parents have over his life. He had no career ambitions because he was told exactly what he WILL do. He was afraid to stand up to his parents, and she was miserable over this.
He worked for the family business also. He rented a house owned by his parents. Dinner with them was a requirement every Sunday night. (keep in mind, he was 33) She just couldn't take it. She wanted a man with ambition who was not afraid to stick up for himself and his wife.
I don't want to bring you down or discourage you. I just want you to think realistically about your future. I wish you the best!!!
My best advice to you is to try to go to couples counseling. I have a feeling that as long as he is working for his parents, they are always going to have some kind of control over him. Have you two talked about him gettng another job? I know this isn't the best time to be job hunting but maybe he can at least start working on his resume. I don't know what else to tell you. Good luck.
My advice is similiar; 1. do not talk about exes ever. Even if your FI had had 100 girlfriends before you and you had one BF he would not want to hear you talk about it. Just don't talk about them, there is no need. My DH does not want me talking about exes nor do I want to hear about his, even if it "oh so and so was just awful".
2. why doesn't he branch out and get another job? I know this economy is terrible and this is not the best time to be looking but people are still being hired. In the long run maybe not working in the family biz would equal better relationships with his own parents (your in-laws)
good luck
The first issue is in your court and I think it is rather easier to resolve this problem. It will be beneficial for you both that you stop talking about your ex's. Although you mean no harm in it, it can easily be mistaken. People don't like to be compared to in general, even if they are the better comparison. Let the past be behind you and don't include them in your thoughts. Sometimes it can't be helped (I know i've been guilty of this before!) but i think if you can help it, refrain from mentioning it to him. It's probably hard for him to relate since you are his one and only.
Issue #2 can lead to some serious problems in the future and it's something that's not in your court. It's in his. Althought I think all you need is love, yadda yadda yadda ...there are other factors that can ruin a perfect relationship and I think this is one of them. Sit him down, talk to him and let him know how serious this is! This needs to get resolved before the wedding. Once you guys are married, you're family...and might feel like it's obligatory to agree to all this. He needs to break away from his nest! First of all, he needs to have a life of his own without parents always interfering. Is the the only child? Secondly, stable income is important. Economy sucks but it's not a complete closed door. What will happen if you guys choose to have children? You'll need to take leave for a couple of weeks and you will need stable income to help support the family. At least if it's stable, you'll be able to plan, even if he got $200 stable income a week. Thirdly, no one deserves to be put down like that. His family should be supportive and encouraging. They're taking full advantage of him!
I hope things work out for the best....
Ok...
What do I do when he's the one who brings up the exs? One of the things he does is he'll literally hear my mom or some other family talk about them (mind you they know he's sensitive about it so they try to not talk about them when he's around) and then he bombards me about it and blames me for him hearing about it. He says its my responsibility to make sure its not brought up. So what do I do?! I feel like I can't win!
As for the other, I've talked to him about this many times. He always says he'll leave and then never does. He just blows it off. I've mentioned the needing stability and I've mentioned the what about when we have kids and it doesn't phase him. Or he'll say I'm really going to do it and then never does.
We're living with my parents because my job covers all our current bills.We can't count on his pay so we can't move out, which he complains about, but that's completely understandable.
As far as I can tell, both issues are the same. I think he has some serious self esteem/confidence issues. His parents bully him and baby him, it's no wonder he is insecure about your exes. I don't think this is your issue. He would be this way with anyone he dates. I don't think couples counseling would hurt, but I don't think it's really what is needed. He needs to go to counseling on his own.
Honestly, until he fixes the thing with his parents, I would put wedding plans on hold. He needs to man up and be an adult. If he can't help support y'all because he can't stand up to his parents, I would truly reconsider if you want him to be your partner in life.
The ex thing is a moo point {a cow's opinion} because of the huge issue with his parents. He needs to stop complaining about that and start complaining to his parents about their issues!
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Don't take this the wrong way - but he sounds like he likes to complain about it (his work) (ie: the - find me another job) - Yet, that's all it really is. (It's almost like he just wants you to empathize with him vs. fix it).
I'm seriously concerned about his response to finding another job. I'm also a little worried that he can live with YOUR parents and not take himself seriously. That's GOT to stop.
...re: the ex's - WHAT??! How can he get mad at YOU for THEM talking about the ex's. Can you give us more context? Were they speaking of an ex highly? How often does this happen? ...the snarky part of me would say: "Well, if you'd get another job, you wouldn't have to HEAR the conversation in my mother's house".
I wouldn't even entertain the conversation, frankly. You have no control about what other people say. If he has an issue with it, he needs to man up and ask them not to talk about the ex's in front of him. It's SO not your responsibility.
I don't want to be doom and gloom here, but here is the picture you have painted for me:
You are engaged to a man whose life is about control and insecurity. His parents control his life, the biggest way being meddling in his finances at the job, and they berate him for being inadequate. Thus he is trying to control you as a way to manage his insecurity and the lack of control over his own life.
The thing with discussing your exes demonstrates a perfect storm of these two problems: he's insecure because he's internalized these messages from him parents that he'll never amount to anything, and so any mention of your past sets him off. To make himself feel in control he tells you that you're responsible for everyone's comments. End result? He gets off blame-free, and you and your family shower him with praise about how great he is. Great for him, not so great for you.
He talks about wanting change, but you have to listen to a person's behaviors to see what they're about, not their words. His behaviors say that he's not changing, not even close. He is not going to become flexible like you are for him just because you ask him to. You can't change him, only he can do this.
Moving away from the parents and not talking about your past is NOT the answer to this problem.
I would recommend that you spend some time apart. Maybe you need to postpone or call off the wedding, and take some time to soul search. Tell you him what you need from him. As far as I can tell, you need him to be in charge of his own life, confident that he is a good person, that you have chosen him, that your past doesn't matter. If he doesn't like his work situation, he needs to stand up to his parents or get a different job. If he wants more boundaries with his parents, he needs to enforce them. And you need to show him that you won't settle for anything less than that---if he can't give it to you, you won't be with him.
These are the kind of issues that you address in personal counseling. He needs to go to some, on his own. (It would probably help you too, just from an emotional standpoint, but it sounds like you've got a pretty good head on your shoulders.) If he's really got it in him, it will work out for the best.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I have been in relationships like this before that were built on control and insecurity. It's awful to contemplate being apart, I know. Most of the time things are great and wonderful, and he's a really great guy, but these warning signs are something that you absolutely shouldn't ignore or take lightly.
Best of luck to you, and thanks for sharing with us.
im hearing alot of excuses, he needs another job but phones you to find deal with it and then he does nothing, he complains about having to live with your folks but doesnt step up to make any changes/difference to his life (and your life as a couple) and he has issues with love and trust
have to tell you, and this is not going to get any better when you are married
personally i would be holding off all wedding planning until you have yourselves sorted out emotionally
btw, i dont understand why your mum & family are talking about your ex's whether your FI is within earshot or not
ask yourself.. is this what you want for the REST of your life? i really wish you the best of luck
He does not sound mature enough or anywhere near ready for the responsibility of being your husband and life partner. I strongly suggest you put wedding plans on hold until you feel like you guys are ready to make decisions as a team and can have an independent life full of respect and understanding.
Haha, I agree with the person who suggested moving away from his parents. If your salary covers all the bills I say find a place as far away as you are willing to drive (there has to be something you can afford somewhere) and commute from the opposite direction! Maybe tempting him with a place of your own that just happens to be too far away from his current job will motivate him to find a new one.
As for the ex's, while I agree that you should try to bring them up as little as possible, I also understand that it can be a very hard topic to avoid. Personally, since I've been old enough to date, I've had boyfriends for the better, or sometimes best, parts of my life ... four relationships that lasted over a year. So I can't really help it if a lot of my life stories and experiences involve an ex. Now I'll try to edit them and tell them as if I did them with "someone," but if he asks who I won't lie. In that case, you don't want to know, don't ask. I can't be blamed for that. ;)
Best of luck with everything. Its sounds like these might be some issues you are able to work through. No relationship is perfect all of the time. I would hold off on doing anything you think you might regret. Things inevitably change (whether you want them to or not), and if for some absure reason they don't you guys have a lifetime to work on this.
Just chiming in/clarifying: They live with her parents, not his parents. I don't think moving farther from his parents would help....the control they have over him is largely psychological (and there's always the telephone). As long as he lets his parents walk all over him, they're going to walk all over him whether they live nearby or not (I've seen it happen: I had a friend once during college whose parents forbade her to be in a car after dark. She followed this rule most of the time even though she was a grown adult and living three hours away...they called every night to check on her, too.).
Moving into your own place is not going to help the issue with his parents. It will just give you more bills and a longer commute and less time to work on your relationship.
Thank you to all for the advice.
I talked to him about it last night and here's where we're at.
He did admit that he knows a lot with the ex's isn't my fault. He feels like he can't say anything to anyone else because he's afraid they'll think he's being over sensitive and childish (which he is). He SAID he understands that I can't help when these things get brought up, but he just really would appreciate not having to hear them. I explained where in a perfect world he'd never have to hear, however it's unfortunate that he's definately going to hear it sometimes. For example, my 15 year old cousin who is supposed to be a bridesmaid (if everything works) is dating someone that all of the family says reminds them of my worst ex. Whenever there's a family get together, which is often, they kinda bust on her and say she needs to find a guy like Mr. O and not like my ex. Granted I know it bothers him, but he did at least admit it feels good to hear he's better than any of the others.
As for his parents..... that talk was an explosion! He gave me every reason he could for how he's trying, and it's not his fault, etc. He did say they think they should have control of everyone in his family (he's the olest boy out of 6 kids). He also said that his parents had a very similar problem to this when his older sister got married (what a surprise that she's divorced). I feel terrible from this but I did tell him that there HAS TO BE a change, and if there isn't then I can't go on like this. He did point out that he's been telling them more and more it's not their business what we do, but it's still not enough. I gave him until the first week in August to show me that he's making some sort of a change. That either things are being worked out at the business or that he's applying to new jobs, something! He's really unhappy with me about this because he said he feels like there is no one on his side. He told me he feels like I want him to just leave the business, and that I don't care about what happens between him and his family. I made sure to tell him that isn't the case. I made sure he knows that I support him in either decision but that it has to be something better for us. I even told him that I would go sit and talk to his parents with him to show that it's not just him it's both of us that feel this way.
As I said I feel terrible and only the next few weeks will tell how things are going to go, but I have this knot in my stomach because I really hope I mean enough to him to stand up for himself and for me. He didn't seem happy at all so far today. And to be completely honest it scares the hell out of me that someone I've put this much time and love and effort into things with might not care as much as I thought.
This could go one of two ways. chelseamorning fully explained way #1, which is a definite possibility that's what's going on here. but, i have a friend who was in a similar situtation (her boyfriends family was vile, horrible to him all his life, and cancerous to their relationship), so i think it all depends on the vibe you get from him.
is he just really, really down on himself? does he outburst (about the ex, etc) and then feel horrible about it and apologize? is he genuinely interested in wanting a new life, but is just not confident enough that he can do it: hence, not really committing to trying. if he tries, he could fail and, in his mind, he most likely will. if this is the feeling you get from the situation, i say all is not lost.
or is he seemingly confident in other areas of life and just whiney with your relationship? does he blame you/tell you to do things with no remorse? does he seem to only be talking about changing just to make you feel better with no original intent to follow through? if so, go re-read what chelseamorning said, as she's probably on the right track.
my advice on the other scenario (that he has horrible self-esteem issues, but really wants to change himself) is to postpone all wedding plans. Tell him directly that you love him, you want to always be with him, you think he can be an amazing man - he has what it takes. And to be that amazing person, he has to stand up for himself. Get a new job, tell his family flat out that they are not part of his life, and cut away from them (severing all ties is best for him, these sound like poisonous people). Tell him you'll help him turn his life around and you believe he can do it.
If you don't think you can have this conversation, or you think he'll be furious to hear it, I'm not sure how far your future will go with him. you've got to tell him honestly that this is a dealbreaker (because it is!) and you'll know the next step from his reaction to that. as hard as it may be, you've go to listen to your gut here, not your heart. i really hope this works out well for both of you, with the minimal amount of pain (although, since you said you've grown from all previous relationships, i KNOW you'll be great in the end)
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I have to agree with KateMW- maybe it's an Alabama thing, but she's right. Your FI needs to man up.
Period. Seriously, if things are this bad BEFORE you marry him, can you imagine what it would be like should you decide to have children??
I am SO sorry that you are going through this, I've been through something similar and it's nothing short of hell. Your FI, for whatever reason, chooses to allow himself to be a victim. Of his own insecurities, of his past with his parents, of his reality today. He doesn't love himself or trust himself enough to change anything right now. Until he does, I just don't think he can love anyone else (including you- though I'm sure you're wonderful) enough to be a life partner.
This is not your fault, not your responsibility- because each of us are ultimately responsible to ourselves for the decisions we make. He is a grown man. He needs to take the steps necessary to heal himself and act like it.
I would take a break. A real one. Walk away. Tell him to call you once he's had some time to seek counseiling and gain some perspective. You can't fix this for him, and if you're standing right there, you're just taking the place of his overbearing parents. He needs to make these changes independent of you. I'd give it nothing less than a couple of months apart. As horrible as that would be.
Good luck honey.
MissOrchids, way to go, standing up for yourself, your relationship, and how much your FI means to you! I know it is hard to require this of him, but I really believe you have done the right thing.
Sometimes tough love is the only way to help someone. Best of luck with this situation! Please keep us updated and never hesitate to ask for hive hugs if you need them!
(((hug)))
Thank you Mowi-
Well the conversation you're talking about, with the deal breaker, is exactly what happened last night. I know I probably should've waited, but I was so upset that I seriously couldn't hold it together.
When I told him this was a make or break situation he literally broke down. Granted he's a bit more sensitive than most guys, but I really like that he's open about how he feels with me. He got really upset and again he Said that there was no competition it would always be me over anything, but it still rides on how he acts.
As for the poisonous people, thats exactly what they are. They ALWAYS need someone to be mad at, and they ALWAYS need someone to be on a pedestal. I've tried telling him that he needs to break away from his family, but it's very hard for him because he always had such a close relationship with them. I understand because I'm very close with my family too, but they don't interfere like his do. And yes, he is very much whiny with EVERYTHING! It's the one things that drives me nuts. He's very much a heart on his sleeve kind of guy, and its good that he doesnt hide these feelings, but his lack of self confidence with everything really bothers me. And yes, I think that is completely his parents fault! From all of the stories and talks with family in general, they've never encouraged any of those kids to do anything! They all have self esteem issues and they all have problems. They are so controlled that they literally beg us to take them places, otherwise they're not allowed to go anywhere!
I'm trying to stay positive and work toward the best, but it's all in his court now.
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It sounds to me like he is really really far away from having the self esteem, confidence, and maturity required for marriage. So far away that he doesn't even know what it is he's lacking. How old is he? He might turn out to be a wonderful husband someday, but I would give him at least a few years to grow up. He hasn't "found himself" yet and I feel it is vitally important for him to know who HE is on his own before he takes on a shared identity in a marriage.
Also, I would for sure "take a break" with the relationship. He needs to see that it is normal to date more than one person in a lifetime, and that ex's are a natural part of growth and experience. He NEEDS top date someone else, even if it is only briefly, and even if you two do ultimately end up back together.
On the plus side, you yourself do sound very mature and ready for marriage and even if things don't work out with him, I'm certain you will find the happiness you are looking for.
first of all why are you talking about exes they are history; there is no need to bring them up; it means you have unresolved issues or are not over them; do nto talk about them anymore it ruins the present
second, hmm if you have a serious problem with his financial situation and family, this could be a huge issue later in marriage and may even destroy it; love does not always solve everything; you need to work on this before the wedding; if it unsatisfactory it will seriously affect your relationship int he future
you need to think very carefully and weigh things very carefully
no right answer
good luck to you
They pay him no more than 300 dollars a week for more than 50 hours of work! CRAZY. That's 6 dollars an hour?!? At max? They are taking advantage of him and of the fact that they have emotional and financial control. He needs to (for himself) get out of that situation. Period. Many parents like this rely on and exploit the fact that their children will not do anything out of fear of hurting their parents.
I am so sorry you are going through such a stressful time. I would try not to mention exes anymore. I have had several very long relationships before, and now I have learned, really there is no need to bring them up. My fiance and I never really talk about the past, because what matters most is our present and future. If I do have to refer to an ex, I will say 'a friend'. Remphasize how great your fiance is; I think given his family and job situation he needs it.
The biggest way to end the in-law involvement is for your fiance to persue another job elsewhere, and given the measly salary it's probably not a bad idea. The parents have him by the balls so to speak. I am an only child who lives a mile from my parents, and when my FI moved in- they were very meddlesome. I had to sit them down and say "I am starting a new life and a new family. Their actions were sabotaging my relationship, and there needed to be more distance- or I would end up alone." It was easier for me to take the stand because I am not dependent on them financially. The first step to independence is finances. I am sure your FI can use the skills he has learned running the family business, and apply them to a better job elsewhere. He will need your support! Good luck!
Just my two cents:
The kind of control that his parents have on him isn't something that can be undone easily and there's no way you can do it for him. Not only does he have to recognize the damage they're doing to him, but he has to recognize it for himself and not because you point it out. Sort of like how different it is to know something logically and stumbling upon a revelation.
To me, it seems like he has absolutely no clue what it means to be an adult, much less a family with people dependent on him. For all his complaining, he's complacent because in the end, in his mind, this is working and there's no real need to change. He logically recognizes that his situation is not good, but he's too familiar with it and for all that it's an uncomfortable place, he comfortably grooved into it.
His relationship to his family is important to him only because it's so ingrained in him to feel this way. If he really, honestly sees the kind of damage they're inflicting on him, and subsequently you, with every unkind word, he might feel more of an urgency to change his relationship with them.
Maybe, if you sit down and explain to him again what will be needed in a mature relationship. Meaning, acheiving financial independence, having a place of your own having children, dividing household chores - all of these things have to be talked about with the two of you as a team because you absolutely need to be SURE that you can lean and depend on each other. Right now, it looks to me like you're the one holding everyone up - and that's including his insecurities, lack of self esteem, lack of regular pay, and family burdens. When his family burdens him, they burden you and eventually, it means burdening your children. Will you really be able to stand up and support everyone all the time if you can't even count on him to support himself?
Anyways, I could be totally off base here, but that's the gist of what I got from your posts. Best of luck you both and I really hope things do turn out well for you!
Miss Orchids,
I'm sorry you are going through this very difficult situation.
When people decide to marry, they are forging a partnership to live as independent and competent adults. If you are preparing to marry yet your situation makes it so your fiance works for his family for hardly enough pay resulting in having to live with your parents, it sounds to me that you two are NOT in a situation that makes you independent enough for marriage.
Your FI feels like no one is on his side, but what he isn't realizing that you ARE on his side. You are seeing better than anyone how miserable his situation is, how his parents are not only telling him what he does his crap but also paying him such a sorry fee that it confirms what they say. You can't just sit back and let him be dragged down like this. It isn't right.
When we really love someone, and it sounds like you really do love him, we encourage them to be the best they can be while being gentle and caring towards them. This is a tough situation because that balance is hard to strike. But you see that this situation is just NOT OKAY. He is going to have to decide, for himself, to move on and find something else to do. And not just for the sole reason of getting away from his parents, but also because he wants to find something for himself! What does he WANT to do? What is he good at? What makes him happy? Life is WAY too short to be miserable all day at work and then spend non work time just detaching and denying how untenable the whole situation is.
You've done what you need to. All you can really speak to is what you observe and what you are okay with and not okay with. Then it is up to him and you can't force it. This stuff absolutely needs to be worked out before anything else can occur with wedding plans. Once you're married, these issues will just be exacerbated- his family will be more in your business and you'll feel more pressed for actually having some independence from both of your families.
Oh man. So sorry. I think yo've gotten a lot of great advice here.
More than just about any thread I've read on WB, I think this is a situation that you cannot correct on yor own. Nor his own. I think he seriously needs to start with a counselor. He needs to build his self esteem so he can forge ahead, with courage, to get out from under his parents. Does he even have a college education? If not, that means he might need to go to schol to get where he wants to be. He also mihht need help figuring out what he wants to do. I don't believe him just saying "no" to his parents, or not working ofr them, or working out better wages is going to work long term. They will beat him down again.
I feel for him. What kind of parents tell there kids they're lazy and will never amount to anything? Then work him like a mule and pay him nothing? He has a lot to work through.
Hey - some good news! You were able to have an honest talk with him in which he responded by choosing you! Granted, he still needs to back it up with action, but this may not be a totally lost cause. It may take a while for him to gain the confidence he needs to break away from his family's control and grow into a man ready for marriage and a family. It will definitely be tough, but if you love him and want to help him (and he feels the same) you probably can work it out.
I disagree with some posters who have said you can't help him do this or that you should walk away (even if temporarily). Your man sounds like he is a very fragile part of his life right now. I feel very angry towards his family. It's so wrong to treat someone so badly that they have such low self-worth that they can't even comprehend making a better life for themself. It's despicable.
Just keep doing what you're doing Miss Orchids. Encourage him, support him, and kept being firm with your needs. It sounds like he *does* know how horrible his family is and desperetly things need to change, but is too scared to do it. It'll just take time.
That said, it could take a LOT of time. I'm not sure how far you are into planning your wedding, but you may want to serious think about pushing it back until you're able to live on your own as a couple (read: without him working for his family). Tell everyone that you want to be able to support yourselves before you create a family. This could take some pressure off both of you and let you focus on creating a solid foundation for yourself without needed outside support. You have to do it sometime and I personally believe it's easier before marriage.
Keep us bees posted, I'm really hoping this works out -- for both of you!
Thanks again for all the great advice!
I have a small step in the right direction, but I'll take it. After having a series of long talks with Mr. O, he again does say he sees my point and that he is completely made to feel guilty about either situation. He explained that everytime he says anything about leaving his mother plays up the "what will all your brothers and sisters do if your father gets hurt?!" and the "We'd have to close up because you chose yourself over your family". I understand the guilt it puts on him, but I also made sure he sees that we will be our own family some day and it's time his parents stand on their own.
So our step in the right direction.....we opened a Post Office Box, and have gotten all of our bills moved to it, so none of his bills will be going to his parents. We also changed it so that any calls from these companys come to our cell phones and not his parents house. We found out that his mother has lied and said she's his wife to get information about his bills once he started making sure he got to them before she could open them.
I talked to his mom because he was talking to his dad, and just basically explained how we can't be independent and survive with a job like this. I also talked to her about how intrusive they have been and how it's affected us. Her excuse...."he's never shown he's responsible so we always took care of everything." I know that this isn't true because he has shown me his statements for his bank accounts before me and he paid all his bills, without reminder. They got nosey and wanted to see how much he was spending on me. Nice huh?
I am much happier today than I was this time yesterday, but we still have a ways to go. Thanks for all the support and kind words.
Glad to hear that he's at least showing you that he understands where you're coming from. Baby steps are still steps forward, and it sounds as if he's slowly starting to prepare his parents for the day that he (hopefully) eventually leaves. Getting the bills mailed to the P.O. Box is perfect, and all of the calls going to cell phones is also a great idea. Most places will allow you to put a password on the account as well prior to speaking to someone about the account. For example, his mom might know his bank account number and password. Have him change the password so that she can't get into it any longer by calling THEM. His parents need to stop trying to find out all of your financials, and you're taking steps in the right direction.
Keep us posted on how things progress. We're pulling for you 
UPDATE: Well... Mr. Orchids has definately stood up! He literally told his parents to piss off and to get out of our business. He has since put in several applications in places and had a few interviews. No answers on any yet. Hopefully he'll be able to get something because as a metal worker around here, they are definately needed.
His mother calls me almost everyday complaining about how I need to get him to stay working for them otherwise they'll lose everything, and all I've said is you need to talk to him about this. It's his decision and I'm supporting him. She really doesnt like that (FYI).
What else is new.... I have a new job which I love! I'm learning a lot and earning significantly more so this will definately help with the wedding.
Thanks for all the well wishes! I think they're working!
i'm so glad things are looking up. and i've very proud of your FH for standing up to his parents. what are hard thing to do, but he made the right choice to put the two of you first. good luck!
Yay, congrats! You guys will be much happier in the long run with the strings cut. How you and your FI spend your money is your business, not his mom's, no matter who writes his paycheck.
The family business will go on, sheeeeesh.
Miss Orchids --How is your FI's job search? Are things still looking up? I just read this whole thread and I'm totally pulling for you. Sometimes people need the right support from the people they love. And I think you received some great support and advice from the bees, too! Good luck and keep us posted.
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Hello Bees,
I'm having a really hard time with some things lately, and I was putting off posting about it because I was hoping things would change for the better, but they haven't.
Here's the scoop... Mr. Orchids and I have a pretty understanding relationship with 99% of things, but there are some Major things that we just can't seem to get past.
First off let me just say that I am Mr. O's first and only ever girlfriend. He waited a very long time to date at all because he didnt feel you should waste time with people you don't plan to be with long term. However, he was definately not my first boyfriend. The problem comes up with ANY of my past boyfriends. No matter how long ago it was. He gets very upset when they get brought up and basically shuts down on me. He tells me I don't understand because "I've never been in his situation." Granted I'm sure he doesn't want to hear about them, but because of those failed relationships is what has lead me to him. He just doesn't see it that way. He tells me I shouldn't refer to my time with any of my ex's as a life because in his opinion none of them treated me well enough. I really understand where it would bother him, but it's not like I or anyone in my family talk about them all the time. And when they're talked about it's again about how terrible they treated me and how happy they are that he treats me so well! It drives me crazy because he gets SOO upset! I don't know what to do. I've told him they don't matter, my family has reassured him that they wouldn't trade him for anything, and I don't know what else I have to do. I tell him all the time how I couldn't ask for a better person to be with, and how much I care about him.
The second problem.......HIS PARENTS!!!! They are ridiculous control freaks! They HAVE to know what we are doing, where we're going, who we hang out with, everything! Even what our finances are! I feel like I'm twelve again when I'm around them. But that's not the worst. The worst is that they run a family owned business that he works for, and they mess with his paychecks CONSTANTLY!!! And trust me they are not adding to them, by any means. Not only have I said to him that this is illegal, but it also makes things very hard on us trying to pay for a wedding. It also wears on him because he is made to feel terrible on top of them changing his pay. They tell him constantly (and only when I'm not around) that he's useless, and he works too slow. That he's never going to fully be able to be on his own because he's too lazy, etc. Mind you this man works very hard and over 50 hours a week, and they literally will pay him $300 a week MAX. I don't know what to do! He won't listen and try to get a new job. He won't stand up to them. He won't do anything! I've stood up more for him than he does and they just take it out on him when I'm not around.
I don't know how to help him and quite frankly I'm losing my patience in both situations! I've tried to sit down and talk to him about it and get him to look into other things, and I've tried to make him understand that he needs to be more flexible because I do the same for him, but it doesn't happen.
We have had many arguements about this and I'm honestly just so tired of it. I don't know what to do, and it's even gotten to the point where I don't know how much longer I can stand this. If things don't change, there probably won't be a wedding.....