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Tell them that you are sorry they feel that way but you need to do what is best for you, and you hope they can understand that. If they truely choose not to have a relationship with you based on your decision to move in together then you don't need friends like that in your life.
I don't think it is anyone elses business, ESPECIALLY friends. I would expect disapproval like that maybe from parents (MAYBE). My FI and I live together and my parents are all for it!.
I would say exactly that. It is hurtful that they are judging you. Not only judging you, but willing to terminate a meaningful friendship with you because you are moving in with the man you are planning to marry.
If you are afraid you won't be able to say that to them in person or over the phone, send a letter or an email. I would write it and hold onto it for a few days to think things over before hitting send.
I agree with Moose - Do what you want. If they aren't ok with it then they aren't your true friends anyway and you don't need that in your life.
Honestly, I'm not sure they can really be considered "friends" if they're telling you they won't associate with you if you move in together before getting married. It really is no one else's business what you do and I would NOT make any decision based on them. You don't need friends like that.
It's interesting, when FI and I first moved in together (we had only been dating about 2 months) my FIL's were VERY aganist living together before marriage. However, FMIL made a comment to me in the car yesterday that I found very interesting. She said that she had always been aganist living together because that was how she was raised. However, after seeing my FI and I living together and how well it has worked for us, how happy we are, and how well we get along she says her opinion has changed. She now feels like it's a great way to get to know the other person and make sure you're compatable before you get married. It was really suprising to me that she felt this way now, because in the past she had been so aganist living together before marriage.
Sheesh...i have no advice for you, but they aren't really very good friends if they'll disown you over that. I agree with MissTaTas, that if ANYONE acts like that, it's parents. Friends? Psh.
Friends that will drop you over something that doesn't effect them are not very good friends. I'd tell them if they can't be mature enought to realize that you are adults and can make your own decisions then maybe you don't need to be around them.
You shouldn't let their beliefs pressure you to rush and do something a month early. It's not like you're going to be living together YEARS before getting married. It's a month or less.
Well, it depends on how moralistic your friends are. Are you surprised that your friends are behaving this way? Maybe they are uber-religious. I personally am not the kind of person to care about this but really, is this out of character for your friends?
I am curious to know if this reaction is out of character for your friends. If it is, I would be curious to find out why they feel that way. It wouldn't change my plans at all, but it would make me more cautious with what I share with them in the future. If their reason is something I don't agree with I think it would be safe to say that I would drop them from being friends to acquantainces. I'd hate to have to watch what I say among friends, especially good friends, in fear of being judged.
Wow. With friends like that, who needs enemies?? Seriously, you don't need that kind of judgement imposed on you. You're not doing anything wrong, you're living your life, and just because it's not a choice they would make doesn't make it immoral. I am SO TIRED of people imposing their values on others. I'd drop them like a couple of hot potatoes. For real.
Wow....Uhm, do these people live in a cave? I mean, trust me...I'm of the belief that living together, having pre-marital sex, etc. is wrong based on a moral standpoint....BUT...those are my morals and I understand not everyone lives by them. If I excluded a friend because she moved in with a boyfriend or had pre-marital sex I'd be friendless.
If your friendship is important, then I would have a serious sit down chat with them and explain to them that this is your choice...not theirs. They can even accept it and continue the friendship, or not.
If they judge you like that then they are good friends so I'd move in together and say screw them. Just my opinion though...
Um, get new friends? That's ridiculous. If they can't support you in what is obviously a happy and joyous time because of their own shortsighted and close-minded viewpoints, they aren't being the friends they should be.
All the girls have expressed what I would have said---but I have one, are these people extremely religious or something? More than one person said this over the phone, like a 3-way call or something? So strange. I'd tell them to shove it, personally, that's not a friend.
I have to agree with everyone else that says your "friends" are way out of line. Even if they are morally offended by you living together before you are married, it's a whole 'nother game to announce you would stop being someone's friend over it. Peeps can disagree, and still be friends.
Do what's right for you.
To answer the question, they have never been like this in the past. They did have a very short courtship/engagement and were married within 8 months of meeting eachother. They are Christian but don't attend church and they are musicians and tend to hang out with real characters. They have other friends who are living together before marriage... So I just don't get it. I know purity was important in their relationship, but they "fooled around" and were still "technically virgins," whatever that means.
To answer the question, they have never been like this in the past. They did have a very short courtship/engagement and were married within 8 months of meeting eachother. They are Christian but don't attend church and they are musicians and tend to hang out with real characters. They have other friends who are living together before marriage... So I just don't get it. I know purity was important in their relationship, but they "fooled around" and were still "technically virgins," whatever that means.
These types of "christians" really piss me off. They're not about worshipping their god, they're about judging other people, looking down their noses at those who don't share their same beliefs or live their lives the way they feel they should, hiding behind "technicalities" when they fail to live up to their own impossible standards. Hypocrites of the worst kind. Who cares what they did in their relationships, this is your life and your relationship. People in glass houses and all that.
If I were you I'd tell them to suck it, but that's me. :D I'm sorry to tell you, but those hypocrites are not your friends and they never were. Anyone who would end a friendship because someone did not act in accordance with their beliefs is not a friend, they're a sanctimonious jerk.
You're better off without them.
Who are they to give you that ultimatum!? You guys should do whatever ya'll want, whenever ya'll want! If they can't except that, then they're really not friends! You should disown them as friends just for them saying that to you guys. Do you honestly think that you can still be friends with them after that comment??
A true friend would never say such a thing. Friends support you. They could certainly voice opinion, but when it comes to you living your life, well, it IS your life.
Personally, I would not even look back to see if they were behind me.
@mrsv2be: You should get engaged whenever you want and forget what your "best friends" feel about it. It's ashame that they would stope being friends with you guys over what she be one of the most wonderful time of your lives. Unfortunately for them their losing really good friends but now you see their true colors. I hope they can be mature about it and put their beliefs behind and come around to supporting you. If they can't overcome their belief then you're better off with out them. Find some better friends ones who truly love and care about you despite any differences they may or not have with you guys.
I don't know if it's just me, but I don't think a true friend should pass judgement on your life. Who are they to say that to you? Sounds like they have wayy too much time on their hands if they are so worried about what YOU are doing. This annoys me. And the kicker, you would be married in September, but you are GOOD FRIENDS and not taking away from your other friends' wedding day!!! You sound like pretty good people to me. Tell them if they don't approve, that is their problem. What are they anyway, your parents?? Don't sound like "friends" to me!
I agree with Lezlers. Drop 'em. They should mind their own business. You don't deserve to be treated like that.
(And it seems like something I would've said in middle school!)
They don't sound like true friends to me. I can't stand when people try to push their moral/religious beliefs on you... it's fine they feel that way, but it's none of THEIR business if you decide to move in first, then marry after!
I agree with everyone, however:
I would try to see if you can find out more why they are saying these things to you. Is there an honest reason why? I think sometimes friends can give us good insight but they should have good backing/reasoning why.
It does sound like they don't have a very good reason for all this however.
I think you and your FI need to decide what is best for you two. I wouldn't take these friends into consideration or this other bride. Just do what is right for you guys. Make your decision as if no one else was involved. Do you guys want to be married sooner rather than later? If so, ignore the other bride and do it when you want. Is it important to you to be married before you move in together. Do what is best for you guys.
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Oh wow!
My FI and I are moving in together Sept. 17th. We want to elope but not until October probably, because a good friend is getting married Sept. 18th and I don't want to steal her thunder.
So our witnesses and best friends just told us they won't be our friends anymore if we don't get married BEFORE we move in together. Um, excuse me? It's because it is morally wrong, they are saying.
It's really hurtful that our best friends and the people we trusted so much are being so hateful. It's OUR elopement, it's OUR day, it's OUR marriage. They told me this over the phone and I didn't even know what to say...
What should we do?