Post # 1
My FI and I are moving in together Sept. 17th. We want to elope but not until October probably, because a good friend is getting married Sept. 18th and I don’t want to steal her thunder.
So our witnesses and best friends just told us they won’t be our friends anymore if we don’t get married BEFORE we move in together. Um, excuse me? It’s because it is morally wrong, they are saying.
It’s really hurtful that our best friends and the people we trusted so much are being so hateful. It’s OUR elopement, it’s OUR day, it’s OUR marriage. They told me this over the phone and I didn’t even know what to say…
What should we do?
Post # 3
Tell them that you are sorry they feel that way but you need to do what is best for you, and you hope they can understand that. If they truely choose not to have a relationship with you based on your decision to move in together then you don’t need friends like that in your life.
Post # 4
I don’t think it is anyone elses business, ESPECIALLY friends. I would expect disapproval like that maybe from parents (MAYBE). My FI and I live together and my parents are all for it!.
I would say exactly that. It is hurtful that they are judging you. Not only judging you, but willing to terminate a meaningful friendship with you because you are moving in with the man you are planning to marry.
If you are afraid you won’t be able to say that to them in person or over the phone, send a letter or an email. I would write it and hold onto it for a few days to think things over before hitting send.
Post # 5
I agree with Moose – Do what you want. If they aren’t ok with it then they aren’t your true friends anyway and you don’t need that in your life.
Post # 6
Honestly, I’m not sure they can really be considered “friends” if they’re telling you they won’t associate with you if you move in together before getting married. It really is no one else’s business what you do and I would NOT make any decision based on them. You don’t need friends like that.
It’s interesting, when FI and I first moved in together (we had only been dating about 2 months) my FIL’s were VERY aganist living together before marriage. However, FMIL made a comment to me in the car yesterday that I found very interesting. She said that she had always been aganist living together because that was how she was raised. However, after seeing my FI and I living together and how well it has worked for us, how happy we are, and how well we get along she says her opinion has changed. She now feels like it’s a great way to get to know the other person and make sure you’re compatable before you get married. It was really suprising to me that she felt this way now, because in the past she had been so aganist living together before marriage.
Post # 7
Sheesh…i have no advice for you, but they aren’t really very good friends if they’ll disown you over that. I agree with MissTaTas, that if ANYONE acts like that, it’s parents. Friends? Psh.
Post # 8
Friends that will drop you over something that doesn’t effect them are not very good friends. I’d tell them if they can’t be mature enought to realize that you are adults and can make your own decisions then maybe you don’t need to be around them.
You shouldn’t let their beliefs pressure you to rush and do something a month early. It’s not like you’re going to be living together YEARS before getting married. It’s a month or less.
Post # 9
I know right? My family is okay with it, shouldn’t my friends be?
Post # 10
Well, it depends on how moralistic your friends are. Are you surprised that your friends are behaving this way? Maybe they are uber-religious. I personally am not the kind of person to care about this but really, is this out of character for your friends?
Post # 11
I am curious to know if this reaction is out of character for your friends. If it is, I would be curious to find out why they feel that way. It wouldn’t change my plans at all, but it would make me more cautious with what I share with them in the future. If their reason is something I don’t agree with I think it would be safe to say that I would drop them from being friends to acquantainces. I’d hate to have to watch what I say among friends, especially good friends, in fear of being judged.
Post # 12
Wow. With friends like that, who needs enemies?? Seriously, you don’t need that kind of judgement imposed on you. You’re not doing anything wrong, you’re living your life, and just because it’s not a choice they would make doesn’t make it immoral. I am SO TIRED of people imposing their values on others. I’d drop them like a couple of hot potatoes. For real.
Post # 13
Wow….Uhm, do these people live in a cave? I mean, trust me…I’m of the belief that living together, having pre-marital sex, etc. is wrong based on a moral standpoint….BUT…those are my morals and I understand not everyone lives by them. If I excluded a friend because she moved in with a boyfriend or had pre-marital sex I’d be friendless.
If your friendship is important, then I would have a serious sit down chat with them and explain to them that this is your choice…not theirs. They can even accept it and continue the friendship, or not.
Post # 14
If they judge you like that then they are good friends so I’d move in together and say screw them. Just my opinion though…
Post # 15
Um, get new friends? That’s ridiculous. If they can’t support you in what is obviously a happy and joyous time because of their own shortsighted and close-minded viewpoints, they aren’t being the friends they should be.
Post # 16
All the girls have expressed what I would have said—but I have one, are these people extremely religious or something? More than one person said this over the phone, like a 3-way call or something? So strange. I’d tell them to shove it, personally, that’s not a friend.