(Closed) Make peace not war

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

While this board is much friendlier than other wedding planning boards, that doesn’t mean people are going to lie just so that everyone stays happy.

No matter what question you ask, there are going to be differing opinions. Isn’t the point of asking questions to get opinions from different types of thinking? 

Some bees will agree with the OP in a thread and some bees will disagree. 

If I feel very strongly in the opposite direction of someone, why shouldn’t I share that opinion? What if I really want to original poster to see my way because I sincerely think they are wrong?

What if the OP IS wrong? Are we all to stand by and let them run their situation off a cliff in a fiery blaze?

It is a fact of life that people will always have disagreements but for the most part, this board is great at keeping everyone in line and mostly respectful of each other. 

 

Post # 4
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@rosworms:  But grown women should be able to answer honest feedback without alienating the OP. I see it all the time and it drives me banana snacks. Sometimes I will see a response from a usually calm and rational bee that is so out of line/character that while I am dismayed, I give them a pass because its out of the ordinary. Then other times there are responders who you can tell love tearing the OP apart and it’s gross to watch. I don’t know. People can still respond honestly and classy. 

And seriously, I’m getting really tired of the groups ganging up on OPs. It’s just not helpful. It’s akin to the person who tears someone down so they feel superior. I feel bad for these broads that they have to resort to such drama in order to ‘give feedback’. Grow up and respond like an adult. I totally cosign with the OP. Although I wish she didn’t go anon because it lends a wee bit less credibility.

Post # 6
Member
8321 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I think it is fair to point out that in some cases the OP is the first person to attack others. It is often not just the bees who are responding.

I also find that it seems to be perfectly acceptable for bees/OP’s to be able to post whatever they like about other people in their OP’s. Some of the things that posters say about their family/friends/strangers is often far worse than I have seen bees post in response. But yet that seems acceptable? I don’t get it. It is ok to call someone a whore or worse because your FI chooses to look at naked pictures of them but it is mean to call out an OP for their disrespectful behaviour?

Post # 7
Member
3640 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Hmmm, this post was interesting to me because two of your examples of ‘being mean’: 

 “I don’t even understand why this is a problem”, “I would have never done that if I were you”

I don’t find these to be mean at all. Blunt, yes, they are blunt, they get right to the point, but not mean. 

Sometimes a poster is so lost or has such a large case of bridal brain that it is important to be blunt with them so that it brings them back to earth. The Bees are just being honest in a very straight way. This means that the OP has no chance of misinterpreting what the poster is trying to say (which can happen on the internet). 

I think all Bees mean well and unless they are really antagonised then they don’t start off as mean. 

I do wish though that people would read an original post carefully (as well as follow up posts) because jumping to conclusions. There was a post recently where most of the Bees assumed an OP was trying to cause trouble when really she was trying to point out that you should do whatever it is you want, regardless of other’s opinions (which is exactly what the other posters were saying too). 

Post # 8
Member
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I think perhaps we should ask ourselves before we post if we would say this to their face. If not, why put it on the internet? I still think the rules of civil discourse should apply.

Post # 9
Member
1705 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@WillyNilly:  I agree w/you and OP.  You can give someone a differing opinion in a respectful way.  I don’t always agree w/people, but if I read a post and cannot think of a respectful way to comment, I just walk away from that thread.  I think people can disagree in a civil and nice way.  It drives me nuts that people think they are entitled to, or are doing someone some service by saying things in a way that is not that nice.  I think people will be much more inclined to hear someone’s point of view and actually consider it if it conveyed in a way that shows compassion. 

Post # 11
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@AnonymousBeeBee:  Well I agree with your post to an extent, but I think it’s also important to have a dose of reality. If all responses were puppy dogs and rainbows, the OP wouldn’t get any real advice. I think that it’s fine to disagree w. the OP, just do it in a respectful way.

I try to be careful and tactful in what I write, but realistically since this is all text-based and you can’t tell tone or body language, I am sure many things are misinterpreted.

This is the internet after all, and there will always be trolls.

To be honest, though, I must be reading the wrong threads since I’ve been here for MONTHS and I don’t really think there’s a whole lot of drama or snarkiness. Women can be emotional… there’s always bound to be a little drama. Just take it with a grain of salt.

Post # 12
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@canarydiamond:  I have seen responses that have blown my mind:

“If I was your fiance, I would leave in a heartbeat”

“Wow, I am disgusted by ___________”

“I wouldn’t choose either” (this was from a poll specifically asking to pick between two choices…this isn’t so bad but it just wasn’t helpful because it didn’t come with any constructive reasoning like “you know, I think you should keep searching. Both the dresses are great but they just don’t flatter you as much as a ________ probably would.”

“Abortion is wrong” (this was on a thread asking for emotional support in the wake of an abortion)

Then there are the helpful answers:

“it’s not my taste but it’s flattering on your” or “I think if you change the hemline it will be more flattering”

“While I haven’t been through that, I can understand where you’re coming from.  Maybe you should talk to someone about it?”

“I am not sure that was the best course of action.  I think you should call _______ up again and see if you can get together to talk about your feelings.”

Post # 13
Member
1685 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@greenviolets:  +1

If I alienate the OP, they won’t bother listening to my opinions anyway.  If I really want to help them and offer advice, it’s really on me to offer that advice in an “easily digestible” way.

I will admit that I get a little cranky with trolls, but I don’t expect them to take my advice seriously anyway Wink

Post # 14
Member
11234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I see things like: “I don’t even understand why this is a problem”, “I would have never done that if I were you”, “I think you are the problem in this situation” and “gosh, I don’t even know where to start with you”… and my question is WHY? WHY the mean words, the “less than helpful” feedback, the making fun of the OP?

Where are you seeing this? I’ve never seen any of these responses.

@rosworms:  + a million

Post # 15
Member
12831 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

This is a community of adults who have different experiences, different opinions, and different tastes.  Just because we’re all experiencing this wedding planning together does not mean we have to agree.  So yes, there are some people who I think create problems for themselves, there are some people who do things I would never do, there are some people who baffle me on this board.  But, if you ask for my opinion on whether or not they are the problem, or if I thought what they did was right/acceptable/normal, you’d better be prepared for a truthful answer.  If you can’t handle honest opinions, a mostly-anonymous internet forum is not the best place to be! 

FWIW, I’m not going to ba a jerk and name-call, or be snarky, or rude to the OP; I won’t make fun of the OP.  But at the same time, I will be honest, and sometimes, the truth hurts. Plus, some people just misread comments and misinterpret the tone/spirit of some posts sometimes.  When a controversial topic is posted, people are a lot more defensive.

Post # 16
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@AnonymousBeeBee:  I think some post are mean and some people are really sensitive. Some also have an obivious chip on their shoulder. I don’t think all of you examples are mean personally. I’ve seen far worse here. I would suggest that if you seek advice online, understand everyone wont understand what you say or like how you say it. we should be mature enough not to turn to personal attacks just because we dont agree.

I am often attacked here for my opinion but I dont take it to heart. I figure it comes with the territory. As long as that group think mean girl mentality isn’t supported by the site, I can overlook it and enjoy this marital process.

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