makes no sense

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: if this was you; would you
    keep trying : (6 votes)
    12 %
    leave : (45 votes)
    88 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    406 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    Leave.

    Post # 4
    Member
    438 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    Will he consider counseling? And if he doesn’t feel comfortable with the both of you going would he go by himself? Thay may be able to help him “open up”. Sounds like serious cold feet since forever is a long time. Don’t give up on him quite yet. Good luck!

    Post # 5
    Member
    989 posts
    Busy bee

    @thelostone10:  It’s really weird, because he’s claiming ‘the spark is gone’, yet instead of breaking things off, he’s demoted you from fiancée to girlfriend! Where does that leave you? He’s being really unfair and I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think I would leave, especially if you feel he’s not being totally honest. You have a right to know what your future together holds.

    Post # 6
    Member
    10219 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    Hi @thelostone10:  first and foremost, I see this is your Debut Post on WBee… so a BIG Welcome to “the Hive”

    Question… How old are you guys ?

    I ask because it does sound like your Man has some issues with maturity… and you seem to be willing (too willing) to go along with it.

    Second… Sorry by COMMUNICATION is a key element in the success of any relationship, but most particularly in a marriage

    If you can’t communicate effectively together, then this relationship is dead before it even gets started.

    My best advice…

    Either go get some counselling together… to work thru this issue.

    OR… leave (sadly)

    Don’t waste your life with a man who you spend an inordinate amount of time and effort trying to figure out what is going on with him solely because he is too immature to tell you.

    If he is in a relationship with you, he OWES you that.

    Spending forever trying to please him, and figure it out will wear you out within 5 to 10 years at the long end  (a time that you could have spent in a far healthier relationship)

    Sorry, I don’t have better news.

    (( HUGS ))

    PS… I have no idea how a relationship can go from “Engaged” (planning a Wedding) back to Dating.  That one escapes me.  Engaged means he wants to marry you, and spend the rest of his life with you … Dating means he likes hanging out with you one-on-one… and you’ll see where it goes.  There is no BIG commitment to Dating vs Engagement / Marriage.  If someone offered me that choice… I’d be giving them back the ring and moving on (and that is in addition to all the other issues you’ve mentioned, and I’ve addressed above)

     

    Post # 7
    Member
    281 posts
    Helper bee

    @thelostone10:  I second the previous bees who suggested counseling. Communication is so integral to a relationship that it can’t survive without it. Was he communicating or opening up to you before the engagement? it sounds like you said he’s always had trouble communicating so how did you deal with that before getting engaged? I would worry about getting married (down the line) and him refusing to communicate any issues to you and him just shutting down and pulling away from you.

    If he can’t tell you what’s wrong then you two can’t fix the problem. At this point, how would going back to just being “girlfriend/boyfriend” change anything? It sounds like he wants to be with you (for now) but not for life. Why stay with someone like that? And if he has issues but DOES want you forever then he would be working towards fixing those issues WITH you not leaving you in the dark. I’m sorry he’s putting you through this. I can imagine it’s heartbreaking. Hang in there!

    Post # 8
    Member
    610 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014 - Smithfield Center

    If he’s willing to, then go to counseling.

    But, it’s really hard to go from engaged, to dating, to back to being engaged. You’re always going to wonder ‘what did I do wrong that he decided he doesn’t want to marry me?’ 

    The answer is NOTHING. 

    You’ve done nothing wrong. If he is not attempting to communicate with you it’s possible that he’s already made up his mind about not wanting to be together at all and is simply trying to ‘lessen the blow’ – for you and for him.

    Get him to talk to you. That’s the only way you can really figure out if your relationship is worth trying to salvage or not. -hugs-

    Post # 9
    Member
    325 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    My advice is to see if he would be willing to see a couples/marriage counselor/therapist with you to both be able to work through things…

    I think people in general should be more receptive to the idea of marriage/couples therapy/counseling… would save many people many (many) years of pain, frustration, anguish….

    Post # 10
    Member
    213 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    My Fi has wanted NOTHING to do with the wedding planning and this did cause some problems.. I assumed he’d changed his mind about wanting to marry me. After a good 6 months of this (men aren’t always the best communicators) he admitted he was nervous about the wedding and fed up with hearing me harp on constantly about wedding details 

    Post # 11
    Member
    9224 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @thelostone10:   Get out of this relationship – seriously.  It’s over and you need to accept it.  I’m so sorry for you!  But you deserve much better.  Don’t let him keep you on the hook while he’s keeping his options open.  That’s just him using you.

    Post # 12
    Member
    2576 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    @Sunfire:  +1

    Seriously, you need to get out of this relationship. I don’t know how old you are, but it’s really not fair to you to wait around while your ex-FI/now SO wises up and matures (if he even does mature in the end). The fact that he demoted you from fiancee to girlfriend hints at a bit lack of stability in his life and something that you will sign on for should you marry him. Leave – no matter how old you are, there is better out there.

    Post # 13
    Member
    23 posts
    Newbee

    Good luck!

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