Post # 1
- Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden
While the boy and I are excited and thrilled to be getting married, there is a part of us that is really disappointed that we’re allowed to get married while some of our friends legally cannot.
So, we’d like to make some sort of statement at our wedding about our support for LGBTQ marriage.
We were considering making a charitable donation in our guests’ names (not individually, but in the name of “the guests of the myname-hisname wedding”) to a local animal shelter, and put little cards at each place setting that said “In lieu of favors, a donation has been made, blah blah blah.” But then I had the idea to donate instead to an organization that works towards the civil rights of the LGBTQ community.
But the boy is worried about the reaction of his parents and grandparents. (I am happy to say that my entire extended family supports same-sex marriage and all of our friends do as well). And while I don’t want to offend them, I think this is really important. We could always donate the money without making it clear to our guests, but I want our guests to know our stance. Not so that they can be “Oh, how cool, they donated to a charity,” but because the point of making a statement is to be heard, right?
If we were having programs, we could put a statement on them, but I don’t think we’re going to have them. We’re also considering speaking a bit to our support of same-sex marriage during the ceremony.
What would you do if you were in our situtation? Would you risk offending your future in-laws for the sake of the statement?
(And to be clear, while my future IL’s might be a bit uncomfortable by the gesture, I don’t think they’d do anything like make a scene or get angry or walk out. They don’t support gay marriage but they are, for the most part, classy, polite people who treat everyone nicely.)
Post # 3
Ms. Mouse had a reading about the Origin of Love that we’re thinking of incorporating that doesn’t address same sex directly, but the modern implications are clear. Perhaps you could something like that?
Post # 4
Some people can definitely get upset when you give to charity in their name!
The “charity tokens” idea (with a choice of charities) is a really clever way to get around that!
Maybe you could have a range of options… and get the LGBTQ jar started with a dose of charity chips from friends and family that you know support it? 🙂
Post # 5
I also support same-sex marriage and wanted to in some way incorporate my belief into the wedding. However, I have a lot of old-school Italian Catholic family members and any blatantly pro-marriage equality messages would ruffle a lot of feathers with the old birds. My solution: I chose an officiant who is a lesbian and regularly officiates same sex marriage ceremonies. That way I’m giving my money to someone who supports (and lives) what I believe in. At the same time I’m not opening myself up to any sort of bulls**t from the older stuck in their ways crowd.
Post # 6
I have been asking myself the same question! We want to make a statement in some way, but have not yet figured out how.
We considered doing a donation in lieu of favors, but I realized I had an issue with that. While I am all for making a statement, even if others disagree, the entire point of favors, is that it’s for your guests. This is one of the few parts of your wedding that is supposed to be about them, as a thank you, not about you and your Fiance. So if the favor is something they disagree with, it takes away from the idea of a favor. Think of it the other way – if you were at a wedding and they donated money to an organization against gay marriage, would you appreciate that favor?
I’ll let you know if I think of any good ideas to make a statement – I’m curious what others will suggest!
Post # 7
We’re in something of a similar position, and decided the best way to get around it was to give guests the option of politely ignoring the donation bit by providing another favor.
We’re doing a treat bar and are providing our guests with small jars and bags to fill as they see fit. Each bag or jar will in some way incorporate a white ribbon, either as a decoration or, in the case of the bags, a tie. On the bar near the candy will be a small sign explaining that, in honor of our marriage, we have made a donation to whiteknot.org (hence the ribbons).
While we don’t want to actively offend our more conservative family members, we’re also inviting a number of same sex couples to our wedding and feel that it would be both disingenuous and hurtful to pretend as though for some of them it’s not a bittersweet occasion because the law is discriminatory.
Post # 8
We directly mentioned it in our wedding ceremony and asked everyone to observe a moment of silence. they were quiet anyway since it’s a wedding ceremony, but you know. It sounds like your IL’s are able to take it, even if they don’t personally agree, so do what feels the most right to you.
Post # 9
We’re having the white knots and a little statement in our program. I wasn’t sure either until I saw a Bee’s post about having the knots at her wedding (I can’t remember who it was) and I think that’s just perfect. I’m sure a good amount of family won’t like it, but in this case I say tough.
Post # 10
I would make the donation and make a public note of it at the wedding but not do it “in your guests” name. I’m strongly pro equality but I would be offended by a donation “in my name” to a charity I disagree with.
Post # 11
I don’t think favors are a mandatory thing for weddings anyway. We didn’t do favors. Instead of wording it, “We are donating $X to XXX charity in your name as your wedding favor.” Just say “We are donating $X to XXX charity in your name.” Also I really like the idea of a variety of charities with charity tokens. Then all your guests can find a charity they would be interested in donating to.
Post # 12
Agree with Archana that wording is important. Our sign specifically reads that the donation was made by us to honor our marriage – not in the name of our guests.
Post # 13
- Wedding: September 2010 - Heritage Square Museum
Yay! Marriage Equality!
@teaadntoast: I LOVE the white knot/candy bar tie in- so cool!
Post # 14
I really see both sides of this issue (making a statement, I mean, not gay marriage which I support). On the one hand, it’s wonderful to get married and awful that some people can’t, that matters, it’s serious. But. I would be offended if someone I knew made a donation in my name to a “keep marriage traditional” fund or some such bull, and it would seriously mar the wedding for me; it would be what I remembered, even if they were otherwise great people whose marriage I wanted to support. You want your guests there because you love them and want them to witness a moment in your personal life, not because you want to discuss politics with them. I guess it depends on how political you are in your everyday life – would this be something that your friends/family would expect of you, do you bring up questions of religion and politics at holiday dinners? Then it will be a “personal unique touch”, which all the wedding websites recommend. Otherwise you can do what I might do, which is leave it out of the ceremony, which is only about us, and include it in the toasts at the reception. Just my 2 cents.
Post # 15
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@teaadntoast: We’re incorporating white knots into our reception as well. My family is super redneck/religious conservative so any blatant statements or donations would encourage rude and uneducated commentary to be heaped upon us. I am also considering donating the money we would use towards favors to an LBGTQ charity and just not mentioning it to the guests; as far as they know they won’t have any favors and we won’t have wasted money on random knick nacks.