(Closed) Making it difficult for guests

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee

I think that a guest can only do so much to attend a wedding. If it were one issue or the other (the time or the location), but with both being a challenge for you, I think it’s understandable that you wouldn’t be able to make it. 

Unless it were one of my very bestest friends, I don’t think I would feel too guilty about not being able to make it.  

Post # 4
Member
6010 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

When we chose our date and location, we chose what would be most convenient and meaningful for us, knowing that it would make things more difficult on some guests.  Later on we started hoping that the location (at least an hour away from an airport) and date (Mother’s day) will help keep our guest list low, too.  I would have loved to have only 65 people invited, but that just wasn’t an option in our families.  Instead, we were able to invite everyone who would be hurt if they weren’t invited, and still keep the wedding small and intimate. 

Maybe your friend was planning with the same motivations?  She didn’t want to exclude you, but knew that the date and location are so inconvenient you probably won’t be able to attend.  That way, she gets to tell you how special you are to her (she wanted you there, after all) without worrying about the cost/budget/logistics/other problems that come with large weddings.

Post # 5
Member
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

A Monday night? that’s odd!

Well, I think I’d be accepting to anyone who had to politely decline in attending a wedding. FI and I are moving cross country soon and his cousin is getting married in September, we aren’t sure if we can make it out. Our situation is different because its a family wedding and we know they will understand if we can’t make it.  I think with today’s econmy and job situation as it is, people need to be a little more realistic and understanding to people’s situations.

Post # 6
Member
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

When my FH & I talked about the location, date and time… we knew it would be difficult for people to come to an end of June Friday wedding. But we rationalized only those who would meant the most to us would make the trek to come to our wedding. we weren’t trying to make it difficult, but it certainly helped us to keep the wedding to those who are closest to us. Our rationalization may seem rude to some, but maybe this is the same mentality your friend had. It isn’t mean spirited. It is just so hard to not be able to invite everyone, have an affordable wedding (you can save so much money on all your vendors & plane tickets & hotel expenses by having a weekday event). in order to maximize your day. Honestly, the anniversary’s of one’s own wedding isn’t going to fall on subsequent Monday’s- it’s just a date. 

Post # 7
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I wouldn’t feel bad at all for declining a Monday wedding — particularly if travel is involved.  They certainly realized this would be an issue when they selected the date and, as you indicate, may have been a motivation for it.

Post # 9
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m having a Friday destination wedding, and I understand that not all of our guests are going to make it. We wanted to choose a really special location, and while we may not have a crowd show we know the people that are the most significant to us will attend, and others can come if they find it important. People shouldn’t feel bad about declining because we totally understand it’s not so convenient for some, but at the end of the day I don’t lose any sleep over this.

Post # 10
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

I hope it makes it easier to decline! I picked a destination wedding and a difficult location at the destination on a Friday night, on a non-long weekend (for half my guests), while school is in session so that I don’t get as many people at my wedding… is that bad? 🙂

Post # 11
Member
596 posts
Busy bee

I totally respect people’s right to choose any destination, date and time for their wedding as long as they respect the guest’s right to respectfully decline.  I know some people pick an inconvenient time and/or place to whittle down the guestlist but I’ve seen that backfire, when their vision of an intimate wedding of 40-50 people becomes a super tiny wedding of 10-15 people and they end up feeling sad that SO many people couldn’t make it.

I also think that couples need to resist the urge to make their friends feel bad when they decline an invitation, or lecture them about how they had plenty of notice to save up enough money, vacation days, and/or manage out their work schedule way in advance.  When my friends and I griped about a friend’s Sunday night destination wedding, the groom retorted "hey I’m giving you plenty of notice to take one day off".  While I appreciate the notice, i just found it presumptuous that they thought they should get dibs on our vacation days.  Sure, he’s only asking for one but I only have ten in one year and the hubs and I go out of the country 1-2 times a year to visit our family so our vacation days are spoken for.

 

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