Post # 1
I’m having a dilemma that I’m sure has been written about many times before. I am currently living in KS with my FI, although my home state is NJ. My mom still lives in NJ, and has her heart set on me getting married within 30 minutes from her house since she has always dreamed of having a daughter get ready for her wedding at home.
FI and I are paying for the wedding ourselves (my parents sent me to school, so this is TOTALLY fine with me). I have set a reasonable but low budget that I am not willing to change. We cannot afford to get married in NJ and have the wedding that I want. Here in KS, we can get double what we could afford in NJ for half the price! I’m not willing to spend twice as much on one day of our entire lives when we could stick to our budget and save for bigger, better things.
Also, the idea of planning a wedding long-distance is horrifying to me. I also feel like I would miss out on a lot of fun things, like going to bridal shows and tastings and researching places all over town.. I’m looking forward to that a lot! Additionally, my mom is moving out of my childhood home this summer and moving halfway across the state to a place that I have no connection with.
I told my mom last night we were thinking of getting married here and she sounded heartbroken. She understands my reasoning (money, sentimental value, etc.) but I can tell she is upset. I know I have to do what FI and I want to do, since it’s our wedding, but I can’t help feeling like I’ve let her down.
Has anyone else been through a situation like this? I guess I’m just looking for advice. Added a poll just to see 🙂
Sidenote: my sister got married abroad last year… so I told my mom, at least I’m still in the country!
Post # 2
MrsZynxy: It is not your job to make your Mom happy. That is her responsibility.
Your Mom is upset at the moment because her dream is not going to happen. Give her some time and she will see that her dream is not going to happen because she is moving. not because you are not getting married in NJ.
Have the wedding you want, where you live now.
Will your home in KS work as a place for you, your Mom and the girls to get ready? If not,can your budget tolerate booking a lovely suite for you, the girls and your Mom to get ready so she has the experience she has dreamed of, even if it is not in her home?
Post # 3
julies1949: You make a good point- if she wasn’t moving this may be a little easier!
I will definitely have her get ready with me and the bridesmaids, although I’m not sure where yet. I know when it comes down to the day she will be happy no matter what.
Post # 4
Your mom will get overr it. No way would I pay NJ prices when you can get the same wedding at half the cost.
Post # 5
MrsZynxy: Aw, I can understand why you feel bad but I also feel that your mother, if she’s a reasonable person, understands and supports your decision. It would be foolish indeed to double your budget and plan a wedding long-distance just to fulfill your Mother’s vision of you getting ready at home.
You can still have that getting ready together moment – just at your place or in a hotel. What is important is that you are both alive and will get to have that moment regardless of geography.
Post # 6
Have the wedding where you currently live, but make it special for your Mom. You could have a special sleepover the night before with just the two of you, have photos of the two of you printed to have around the house, get her a special gift, etc.
Post # 7
I say have the wedding you want in KS!
Can you have a bridal shower or luncheon or engagement party at your mom’s house? Have a friend who is good with a camera take lots of pictures. It might be nice for memories!
Post # 8
MrsZynxy: I am from NJ and planning my wedding still trying to stay on budget . It’s expensive to get married in nj and if you can have the wedding of your dream in KS by all mean go for it. Your mom will get over it to make it for easy for include her in the wedding preparations like going with her dress shopping and food tasting and other wedding relating stuff that’s won’t Required her to travel often.
Post # 9
I think you should be firm but loving. Maybe you could go visit her and get your dress in NYC- have a mom/daughter bridal weekend?
Post # 10
My parents moved out-of-state very unexpectedly about 2 years before my wedding… the wedding I was planning on having in my hometown. For a couple of months I still doggedly kept on doing research and making plans for a hometown wedding, because that’s where I grew up and I had a big emotional attachment to the area, but eventually I realized that it was just too much of a pain in the butt to plan a wedding in a town that’s not only 6 hours away from where I live (and have lived since 2005), but where I no longer had a family connection. It’s one thing to drive 6 hours to meet with photographers and caterers when I can turn it into a weekend visit with my folks, but having to stay in a hotel and just dawdling around by ourselves? No fun.
So now we’re getting married in our city, and it’s so much more convenient for everybody involved. I think you should go ahead and plan your wedding for where you live, and try to find other way to make special memories with your mother.
Post # 11
I’ve never understood the hometown wedding idea, unless you’re very young. People go to college, get jobs and move. So unless you’re both from the same town, and most people you would invite still live there, it just makes more sense to get married where you live.
Post # 12
Zhabeego: Thanks! That was very well said and makes me feel a lot better 🙂
MoonlitMagnolia: Good idea! I definitely want to get her a nice gift.
CityBearBride: That’s a great idea to have the bridal shower in NJ! I’m sure she will love that plan. Thank you for the suggestion!
Phamnomenon: Thanks for sharing!
MariContrary: Very true. Everyone who is important will make the trip out to be there!
Post # 13
is there something wedding related you could do at her house before the wedding on a trip to visit? Like try everything on to make sure your outfit all goes properly, or make things together? She could have a shower for you, you could wear a nice white sundress and have her help you get ready for that.
Post # 14
- Wedding: April 2013 - Valparaiso, IN
Would she feel better if she could throw you a shower in her home? Do you still know a lot of people in that area that would come?
Post # 15
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
Your reasons are rock-solid. I think you’d be nuts to change your plan. Your mom will get over that vision as your date approaches. She’ll soon have a new vision and I’m sure will be totally thrilled with whatever plans you make– especially if you can do something special for her.