Post # 1
Hi bees! So I recently got engaged to a wonderful, wonderful man but my friend of 15 years has been very unsupportive. He and I have ALWAYS had a strictly platonic relationship, but I’m starting to think maybe the reason he’s been treating my fiance so poorly is because he might have feelings for me. I really hope that isn’t the case, but I don’t know what’s worse.. if he’s actually an a-hole or just jealous.
The ways he’s been unsupportive is that he keeps teling me so many marriages end up in divorce, that he thinks I can do better than my current fiance (he’s met previous serious boyfriends before and never approved either, BUT my ex was a cheating jerk so that made sense). My friend goes back and forth over how nice my fiance is but how I can still do better and etc….. I definitely have never given him any reason to think that I’m settling because I am not. I am hopeless and so helplessly in love and my fiance is the kindest person I have ever met. There is NO DOUBT in my mind that he is the One for me.
When I was in my waiting stages being impatient I always vented to my friend (because I’d rather do that than blow up at FI) and one day I was logging out of my FI’s gmail and saw a chat they had. My friend was SHOWING him actual conversations between our chats when I was complaining about the waiting process. He even used the words “here’s more evidence”. I have yet to confront him, but I was still pissed because that is such a violation of our trust.
I used to be a very confrontational and angry person when I was younger but I’m not even sure whether it’s worth confronting him about or whether I should slowly let our friendship dissipate. He also said he doesn’t know whether he will make it to the wedding because he might be busy, being in med school and all. I was just floored at how unsupportive he is being about the whole thing.
Has anyone dealt with this before? What do you think I should do?
Post # 2
So wait, you and platonic guy used to have chat convos where you’d vent about waiting and platonic guy friend sent them to your FI as evidence of your what… impatience? Is that it?
That’s not cool. He can’t play both side like that. He def sounds jealous.
Post # 3
well he obviously doesn’t support the relationship. Especially if he was trying to give your FI ‘evidene’ on why he shouldn’t propose…(did i read that right??).
After that and him telling you not to get married, did you expect him to be excited about it?
Post # 4
YES he would send those convos to him about me complaining. I was shocked when I saw that and I feel like it’s enough to end our friendship. Right now I’m just debating whether I should confront him about it. He’s been so defensive lately when I say “I don’t feel like you’re supportive or happy for me”
Post # 5
whaaaa? why didn’t your fiance tell you about your friend betraying your trust like that??!?!?! that would be enough for me to end the friendship. the other stuff… well he doesn’t need to like it but he needs to shut up about it. you need to have a frank discussion with him about all of this, if you feel the friendship is worth salvaging.
Post # 6
catpeaches: bottom line is that I *personally* don’t believe in platonic friendships between men and women. I know a great many people that will disagree with me, but this here goes to show that in 99.9% of cases there is always someone with feelings for the other person.
I would cut the friendship. I have done that with my guy friends when FI and I got serious; not completely but I just don’t hang out “one on one” any longer, and neither does my FI with his female friends. It spared us a lot of awkwardness, insecurity, etc. Plus I just have zero time anyway, lol.
Post # 7
catpeaches: You know, you may be sure this engagement/marriage is the ONE for you…but apparently your friend doesn’t, and he’s totally allowed to think that. He is correct about a lot of marriages ending in divorce and whether you love your FI or not, he may or may not be correct about you doing better….sometimes a friend tells you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear, its up to you as a friend how to deal with that.
As far as the conversation sharing…..breach of trust….eh, that is a grey area, because your friend may have been trying to get this proposal off the ground because you were clearly so miserable, or showing him that you had no idea it was coming, or had shared an idea about a proposal place or something….there’s just not enough evidence to convict anyone of malicious collusion at this point, and until I had clear evidence that he was meddling in a bad way, I’d leave it alone.
Post # 8
catpeaches: ew, what a horrible friend. I would 100% confront your friend about seeing his betrayal (assuming your FI showed it to you and you didn’t find out by snooping). He can’t just get away with being so manipulative and two-faced. I would also say something along the lines of “I’ve considered you a great friend for many many years now and you’ve been a rock when I needed you. It is heartbreaking to hear that during those times you were betraying my trust and parroting my words said in confidence back to my FI. It is also disheartening that you have been anything but supportive about my upcoming nuptuals. If our positions were reversed, i would be excited and happy for you. I would absolutely want to be there to support you on your big day, and i wouldn’t miss it for the world. the fact that you might be “too busy” to attend my wedding tells me that our friendship is not very important to you and i’ts making me re-think our relationship. If you’d like to remain a friend, now is the time to start acting like one.”
Honestly, it does sound like he has feelings for you and he might be suffering from “nice guy syndrome” where he has been there for you for years so is angry that you haven’t rewarded him like he expected (with sex/ a relationship). I’d probably give him one more chance and if he doesn’t immediately step up, i’d drop him. you don’t need that kind of selfish negativity casting a shadow over your happy day!
P.S. congrats on your engagement! all the best to you!
Post # 9
catpeaches: Have you talked to him? What did he say?
Post # 10
As someone who used to have many close guy friends before getting married…be prepared for those friendships to change. Not always end, but def. change.
It looks like you’re at the beginning stages of that.
Post # 11
You clearly have assumed he has feelings for you. It could be that he really doesn’t think you are ready to be married, doesn’t like your FI etc., etc. There are many reaosns why so I wouldn’t assume it is because he has feelings for you. As long as your are sure it really doesn’t matter if he approves, unless his concerns are valid concerns about your FI’s behavior (but this doesn’t really sound like this is a concern here).
In some ways you set him up to think your relationship is not that great by complaining to him and involving him in things that should have been said to your FI. It is hard to remain neutral when you hear all the negative things about someone. Keep your issues with your FI between the two of you.
Post # 12
Congrats on your engagement! Unfortunately, I think your friend does have feelings for you, and they are (presumably) not reciprocated. Speaking badly about everyone you’ve ever dated, and breaking your confidence by forwarding all your conversations to your fiance are not the actions of a friend. I would calmly confront him and tell him that his actions are unacceptable, and that you won’t be speaking with him further. To adjust a popular quote, “With friends like him, who needs enemies?”
Post # 13
Having male friends are hard, and if the friendship is long enough and strong enough, it is almost impossible for one or the other not to have feelings at one point. However, if the friendship is real, they should be able to put those feelings aside once they realize you are doing what is best for you.
One of my best friends in the world is a guy I’ve known for 8 years now. We were always platonic, though he did at one point admit to me that he thought of me as more (actually that he loved me). I didn’t feel that way at the time (I can’t say that I never had moments where I did have brief thoughts about that before I met my fiance), and while it made our friendship awkward for a bit, soon enough it was like nothing happened. Even though we have always been supportive of each other and get along very well, we realize that the physical attraction isn’t really there, and our lifestyles are so different. We are great as friends, but we wouldn’t work as a couple.
He has been extremely supportive of me and my fiance- actually he was the very first person we saw to spread the news after we were engaged. I can’t imagine he has absolutely zero feelings for me, but he realizes how happy I am and values our friendship. He has been so supportive and our friendship is stronger than ever. My fiance values our friendship and is well aware that he once had feelings for me. He is even performing at our wedding!!
It doesn’t really sound like your friend is being a real friend, but he might just be a bit immature. I probably would talk to him and tell him 100% how you feel just because I’m too nice. Don’t force the friendship to work- if it is meant to be it will be.
Post # 14
ieatunicorns: Yes, you’re right. There have been times when I did mention negative things about my relationship, but for the most part everything I say is rainbows and unicorns. And some days, my male friend has mentioned he doesn’t think he’ll ever feel this way about someone but he wants to.
I’ve even tried to set him up with a female friend of mine the week before I got engaged. We went on a double date and he got her number, but never contacted her. I asked her if she was into him and she said yes. So I don’t know.
Thanks everyone for your support. romantic@heart: I have not talked to him. Our last exchange was when I wrote this post and I said I don’t feel like you’re supportive and he just said I’m overreacting and I should talk to him when I clear my head. Before that conversation, he was also texting me things like “So how’s your family taking it? How’s his family taking it?” And I didn’t respond, and he got mad at me because I didn’t text him back. It was strange.
Also, when I first told him “I’m engaged!” his response was “Jeez that was fast.” And ever since then, I’ve just felt strange telling him good things. It’s like he CRAVED drama.
It’s been a few days and I have cleared my head and honestly, I don’t feel like I need him anymore. It is sad, but I’ve always had trouble maintaining platonic relationships with males, I’m just a little disheartened it’s happened again. But it’s okay because I have my lovely FI, my girlfriends, and of course, you bees! <3
Post # 15
mgbser: That’s awesome. I’m glad you have a friend who supports you and your fiance. Thanks for sharing your story! 🙂