Post # 1
- Wedding: February 2015 - Powel Crosley Estate, Sarasota, FL
Hey ladies, (please forgive me for the length – I have to explain a lot to get the problem across).
I have a lot of anxiety over how my mom is going to act on my wedding day. To make a long story short, my mom and I have a very strained relationship. She was pretty abusive growing up, and we are just complete opposite personalities. (I’m very “go with the flow – she is very dramatic and loud). So far, she’s been okay through the planning process. She’s flaked out on a few big events (not enthusiastic about dress shopping, declined to check out my venue with me on my 30th birthday no less, etc.) but she has since tried to show some support.
What I’m having a LOT of anxiety about is how she is going to act on my wedding day. She has a BIG flair for the dramatics. She loves getting involved in drama, and her feelings get “hurt” at the smallest things. She will quickly make events/moments all about “her” if someone says somethign the wrong way, or doesn’t agree with her. She is also very loud, brash and crass (says the “F” word a lot, talks over people, etc.). She also smokes a lot of weed which I’ve made clear is not acceptable around me or on my wedding day (no offence to anyone – trust me – she cannot handle it, and it’s just not my thing).
My fiance and I tend to be much more conservative. His side of the family is very composed and polite, dare I say “normal”. I’m so nervous that my mom is going to act out and/or do something embarassing. When we have any kind of company, she gets overly excited – like a 12 year old would – and starts trying to show off, which results in being extremely loud, cursing a lot, and just being out of control.
How can I manage her? Do any of you Bees have a similar situation? I’ve tried talking to her in the past about her behavior – but she starts crying and yelling and gets “hurt” making a scene. I’m terrified of her doing the same on my wedding day. I wish I had that solid mom-daughter thing that a lot of girls seem to have, but that’s just not the case. Leaving her out of the wedding festivities is not an option. I would feel terrible despite our difficult relationship, and would also never be able to live it down. My dad would probably never forgive me either!
Looking for any type of helpful advice to get her to tone it down and just enjoy the day with my sisters and I. Please help! 🙂
Post # 2
- Wedding: February 2013 - Mansion House at the MD Zoo
FutureLadyL: It sounds like she and your dad are still together. If so, does he have any ability to control her behavior or rein her in when she’s getting out of hand? Maybe you could have a talk with him privately about your concerns and see what he says or if he has any suggestions. If that’s not an option, I think the best you can do is try to contain it and prepare anyone who you are worried about. IE give your GM, close family, etc a heads up about your concerns. Ask if a couple of people can keep an eye on her and, if they see her getting loud or exhibitionist, try to intervene. They could take her out to calm down, talk to her and try to redirect/distract her, grab you or anyone else and be like “I need you for a minute” to get them away from her, etc. We had to do a similar thing with DH’s stepdad and father–it all worked out ok, but just knowing that other people were keeping an eye on things and would handle it or let us know if we needed to handle things was really helpful. We didn’t spend the whole wedding watching them from across the room and dreading what could happen and worrying and could just have fun.
Also have your FI’s parents met your parents yet? You may want to have them (at least his parents and sibs) meet yours before the wedding in a quiet place. Have everyone over to your house or something like that. If she acts up, then she acts up. You can give them a heads up before that your mom may be difficult. But if something happens, maybe you can address it with them after the fact–say you’re embarrassed and you are not ok with her behavior, but unfortunately she’s your mom and you do the best you can. Say you understand that she makes people uncomfortable but unfortunately you can’t stop her. Doing X, Y, Z sometimes helps, or else just ignore her. (or however you usually handle these situations) At least they’ll be prepared and can spread the word. I think every family has that one relative who acts weird or no one really likes to be around. I’m sure they’ll understand.
ETA: also, she doesn’t have to be there for all of it. I didn’t get ready with my mom–there just wasn’t space in the room. Minimize the amount you have to deal with her.
Post # 3
Agree with the above, and maybe enlisting a sister to be her keeper during the wedding.
Also, as bad as it sounds, I recommend limiting contact on your wedding day. Definitely don’t avoid her, because she will pick up on it and make a dramatic scene for sure. Greet her politely and all. But don’t go out of your way to ask her to do anything, don’t have any requirements of her because it sounds like a potential for things getting blown up into a big deal. Just treat her like an honored guest.
Post # 4
FutureLadyL: You definitely will have enough things to stress about, so this shouldn’t be one of them on wedding day! Agreed with PP- assign mom to someone else. Ask sister, aunt, anyone. Also remember though, that you can’t change people, so trying to make her act a certain way will only frustrate you, especially if it doesn’t work.