Mama drama: my mother doesn't "get" my wedding vision?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
785 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@afineskyline:  First of all, I’m so jealous you get to try on Anna Campbell dresses in 2 weeks. SO JEALOUS. I’m driving 18 hours to try on her dresses when the time comes!

Your wedding sounds like it will be a time and a half. Just tell her she needs to trust you, and that you are okay with people declining…I mean, that’s why its an INVITATION. You can choose whether you want to go or not. In the end all you need to say is “My wedding venue and activities are not up for discussion, you will get an invitation and you can choose if you’d like to come or not.”

Or do what my friend did.. “Tell her: would you rather us go away and elope? You won’t even have to be there let alone have an opinion!” lol that shut her up real fast… it worked on my friends mom! lol

Currently the issue I’m having with my mom is the guestlist. We want to have a *small* DW. Our guestlist has 40 people on it. Immediate family, close friends and relatives we talk to or see on a regular basis. My mom is pissed off because we’re not inviting her side of the family. I have 0 good memories with these people. I haven’t spoke to them, or them to me, since my sisters wedding in Nov 2011 (they were really only invited because she was the travel agent). And the time before that was my other sisters wedding in January 2009.

I mean, do I not have the right to have a small wedding with people I want there? God forbid I don’t want to invite people I don’t talk to, or that don’t care about my life. We didn’t even get a “Congratulations” on facebook when we got engaged. Like really? Not to mention FI is a very shy person, and I know he’d be uncomfortable saying our vows around an extra 40 people he doesn’t know. (he’s also not the best reader so he’d be self conscious as well)

There’s my rant lol.

Post # 4
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@afineskyline:  my mom is zillaing out too. There’s really not much you can do. Your wedding sounds like it will be amazing. She will just have to wait and see. 

one of my bridesmaids’ self appointed jobs is to run interference with my mom. shes gotten a little over excited about the whole thing and has fought me tooth and nail about silly things, like my veil. Or that all the bridesmaids should wear clothes toed shoes. (I don’t get that one)

If your mom can’t see your vision, oh well. I’m sorry though, I understand the stress. 

Post # 5
240 posts
Helper bee

Well, to be completley honest I think your mom is making some valid points. Yes, it’s your day, but it’s also about bringing together your shared communities to celebrate and support your union, and part of being a good host is being considerate of the comfort of your guests. So from that perspective, I kind of agree with your mom. And if she doesn’t “get” your vision, a lot of the guests won’t either. 

If you want to go forward with it, you’re going to have to tell her that you gave her points some thought but it means a lot to you to do it this way, and ask if she can still support you. Remember, she’s probably had a vision for a while too of how her imagined her daughter’s wedding to be. If there’s a way you can compromise on a few points, that might be good.

Post # 6
4163 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

My family didn’t “get” my vision at first, either. Instead of getting married in my hometown church an hour away, we had our ceremony/reception at an industrial museum- ceremony outside by the harbor, reception in the museum.

PP nailed it-“she’s probably had a vision for a while too of how her imagined her daughter’s wedding to be.” Hopefully now that’s she said her peace, your Mom will be able to let go. If not, as much as it’s kinda crummy, you may have to keep her out of the planning/details if she’s going to stress you out too much.

I agree that your wedding sounds fantastic. One issue that some parents have is that they’re not going to as many weddings that we are, so they’re not “in the loop” as far as how weddings have changed from the traditional. Even my brother, who was married about 8 years before, thought that our wedding was going to be similar to his (why???)

“Mom, I appreciate you sharing your concerns with me. I’ll keep what you’ve said in mind, and make steps to ensure that our guests are comfortable, but we’re not changing the plans for the day.” Ex: make sure to have a hotel block close by for those who want to drink.

Once it was all over, my Mom *loved* our wedding, and said she wouldn’t have changed a thing. I’m sure that yours will come around as well (just may take her until after the wedding to be able to say that!)

Post # 7
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I know it’s easier said than done but it is YOUR wedding. Try to remember that. You don’t want to compromise something for your Mom to have you end up hating it and regretting it down the road. Just try to deal the best you can and stick to your guns hun!

Post # 8
8680 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Has your mom been to any modern weddings recently?

My mom had some issues seeing my vision, but she hasn’t been to a wedding since the late 80’s, so she still has it stuck in her head that weddings are the same they were in the 80’s.


Post # 9
3202 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

My mom also had some issues with not having been to any weddings since the 80s. She came around eventually!!

However, depending on where you live, an outdoor wedding in August sounds like it could be not that great, to be completely honest. I’m from Florida originally, so I have been to some VERY hot outdoor weddings, and, honestly, they were dreadful and everyone left the second it seemed not-rude. So she might be making a valid point, depending on your location, lol.

Post # 10
6948 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@afineskyline:  listen. This is YOUR wedding. None of what you said sounds weird or rude. It sounds AWESOME! If she can’t see it, just start telling her “you’ll see” and be done. And stop sharing details. She clearly wants to be involved but if she sees that you are reluctant to let her be if she insists on being critical, then maybe she will change her tune. She WILL see. It’s going to be beautiful and fun! 

Post # 11
42089 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999


Yes, we all dream of our Mom raving about our ideas and jumping on board from the outset, but it doesn’t always work that way. Many moms have trouble accepting their daughter’s vision of a wedding. They may not have attended many weddings recently to see the changes.

Try to differentiate your Mom’s valid points (too hot for an outdoor wedding) from matters that are simply opinion.



Post # 12
3644 posts
Sugar bee

@afineskyline:  We’re getting married 1.5 hours west of my family and friends, and mutual friends. He’s from across the state, so his family and some of his friends have to travel 3.5 hours east. My mom is the one that suggested being fairer to his side, although we couldn’t find a venue, with the kind of details we were looking for, in the middle of our two families. Many people have to travel to weddings these days. Brides and grooms rarely still live in their home towns and get married in the church they grew up in, like my mother did.

It has been a pain for planning, though – we’ve driven out there 4 times already, with at least two more trips to go. 

Post # 13
584 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

The heat is a real concern, but otherwise your wedding sounds like a blast!

People will get it when they see it 🙂

Post # 14
5767 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Listen to her concerns and address them. I agree that 90 minutes each way is too far to drive, especially if people will be drinking. Easy solution: secure a block of hotel rooms closer to the venue. Problem solved. Not sure what to do for the heat but I’m sure some creative bees will have suggestions. These are valid points but they’re easily worked around. It may be your vision and your day but it will be a lot kore enjoyable if everyone is comfortable and able to join you!

Post # 15
288 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@afineskyline:  Are you footing the bill or is she?

I agree with one of the PP.  Part of what she is saying is legit concern and part of it is opinion. 

I don’t think 90min is a big deal for travel.  Set up a room block.  People will show.  Problem solved.

The August heat is a valid concern depending on where you live.  I grew up in the midwest and I live in FL now and I have been to my share of miserable hot weddings.  They are not fun and people will leave as soon as you serve dessert. 

The idea behind it sounds like fun! 




Post # 16
44 posts
  • Wedding: June 2012

I was in a similar situation as you. We had our wedding 3 hours away from where our families and friends live. It was an outdoor wedding. On our first visit to the venue, my mom did not like it. She had concerns that guests would not want to drive all the way out there and that they would be uncomfortable outside. She was paying for most of it so I seriously considered changing it for her but ultimately went with what I wanted. In the end, she LOVED our venue and our wedding. Afterwards, she told me how right I was and how she just couldn’t see it. She was so happy I didn’t change it. It is true that some guests couldn’t make the longer trip, and as you said that is fine. However, most of them did come and those that did loved it too! If you stay true to yourself, it will pay off in the end. It is your wedding and she will come around.

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