Post # 1
my mom has never really pushed me to do anything financially she stayed out of my finances until I asked for help in the past. Now I am planning the wedding of our dreams (my fiance and I). I moved home to pay off debt and save money then got engaged. I have paid off all CC debt but still have student loans. My mom blew up at me on our engagement shoot day. She had agreed to be the dog handler but basically had a one day melt down about my fiance and I paying too much for the wedding. This was after the makeup/hair stylist left the house. MY mom and Dad had a small garden wedding when they got married and my mom is livid that I am spending 30,000 on a wedding (my fiance (10,000) ,his family (16,500), my family (only contributing 6,000) and me contributing about 5,000)). Both she and my dad want us to have a small wedding and take long trip and buy a house with the wedding money. MY fiance and I want to have our dream wedding on a budget of 30,000 and go on a honeymoon and if we can buy a condo. My fiance has been saving for years and has enough for all of the above. How do I handle my parents disaproval and anger. Its harder cause I love at home. Did anyone else experience this kind of thing?
Post # 2
You can’t make them accept your decisions. So really all you can do is keep moving forward with your plans.
I wouldn’t count on the $6000 from them until its actually in your hands though. If they are really unhappy, they may choose to withdraw thier offer to help pay.
Post # 3
JitteryBride : My mom shits all over every decision I make. It’s so annoying to not have the joy and support of your closest family. I’ve spent my share of time crying when a decision I’m really excited about is met with complaint and negativity.
I’m keeping the wedding details to myself (it’s a secret!) and those who will be positive from now on. When people give me suggestions I don’t want to take, I say things like, “we’ll consider it when we’re ready to make a deicison on that!” Your parents had their wedding and they should let you have yours.
Possibly think about not accepting money from them if they might try to guilt how you spend it.
Post # 4
hikingbride : they already gave me the money. i hope they dint ask for it back as half is already spent on my wedding dress etc…
Post # 5
JitteryBride : I just wouldn’t tell her any details so she can’t get upset. Maybe tell her that you’re cutting costs where you can and trying to save the extra money for a house.
Post # 6
Aw, I’m sorry! It’s up to you how to spend your money. If they wanted you to put the $6000 toward a house they should have specified that beforehand. Maybe you could keep what you haven’t spent of it in reserve just in case. But there’s not much you can do except hope they come around. Share as few details as possible and don’t tell them exact costs of things. Just say ‘oh I can’t remember that cost right now but I know we’ve worked out into the budget’.
Post # 7
Honestly before planning our wedding, I also would have been like $30k! But after having planned a nice and budget friendly wedding that still cost $20k I can see how easy it would have been for us to spend that too. Extra guests, extra decor, and a videographer we would have been at $30K easy. EASY. So perhaps being vague is your answer. I mean our cake was close to $1000. For CAKE! But that’s the price of what we wanted. But yea be vague about the price of things that they aren’t paying for. I mean if your in laws want to spend a bunch of money and they can? By all means, why not?!
You can say that the $6k was for the reception? Will that almost cover the food? I agree with the pp to hold part of what she have you in reserve in case they want it back? Perhaps she freaked out once? It happens in weddings. It seems like everyone gets weird about it at some point.
Good luck! Hope this helps and congrats!
Post # 8
See, to me, I don’t think you are entitled to your “dream wedding” unless you yourself are paying for it. You have no right to expect anyone to pitch in so much money, and I really can’t blame your mother for thinking you’re making a mistake. I also think that 30,000 is a stupid amount to spend on a one-time event, but I can’t say boo about it to most people because it’s what they want to spend their money on. In your case, you’re mooching off your parents so they have a right to be angry with you about how you spend their money.
Post # 9
I don’t know about anyone else but to me when you move in with your parents (aka live off them) to pay down your own debt (that wasn’t student loans as per the OP so just acquired debt on stuff) and to save, you kind of open yourself up to judgement.
If you look at it from their point of view their daughter ran up debt, came and lived in their house in order to pay off that debt and is now spending her (and her FI’s) savings on a party. I’d be worried as well. I bet with the comment about about a house downpayment that they are worried about ending up in a situation where they are not only putting up the OP but her husband as well.
OP you have two very generous committments of financial help that could be used for a wedding whilst keeping savings in tact. A wedding is only as expensive as the bride and groom make it and sometimes you just have to realise that your vision isn’t affordable or practicle.
Post # 10
j_jaye : I actually agree with this. It sounds like you have been financially irresponsible (correct me if I’m wrong) and now they see you blowing money you can’t really afford on a party.
Post # 11
I have to agree that unless you are living independently and paying all of your own bills, you are inviting judgement – especially from the people helping to support you. I can understand their point: it appears you were financially irresponsible enough to get yourself into debt and wanted to save money by living at home. Now you want to spend $30K on a one-day party? Yeah, I can see why they might see you as overall irresponsible.
Post # 12
I understand her frustration after you move in with them to save money but then splash the cash on a wedding.
Btw, the amounts you stated actually come closer to $40,000.00.
Where is that extra money going? If you’re not planning on using it all for the wedding but that’s what it was gifted for, I’d give it back and avoid the headache.
Post # 13
If your fiancé has been saving for years, would he be able to help you pay off your loans/live on your own so you won’t have to rely on your parents?
Post # 14
yes 100% . And $30, 000, (or possibly $40,000)! and still not happy . Good grief!!!!
Post # 15
I agree with your mom.. It sounds like you can’t afford a 30.000 dollar wedding if you’re living at home to pay off debt. Doesn’t sound like a wise choice.