Post # 1
ok ladies. who got married in THEIR homestate? who got married in their FIANCEE’s homestate? did anyone’s parents give them a hard time & make everything difficult? im sorry if this question is too personal, but i just need help with this situation. my mom is making everything so complicated. she hasnt even started inviting people to my bridal shower (which is in 4 weeks.) she makes me feel guilty if i do any wedding planning without her. & she says that she is ONLY paying for my wedding dress. i can’t even book my reception hall because we can’t afford one. she won’t even help a little. has anyone else been through this? what should i do? why should i have to feel depressed every time i try to wedding plan because she wants to be so stubborn?
Post # 3
I dunno. At first my mom got critical about things that I was cutting corners on (not having flowers- but we are getting married in a garden so why do we need more flowers?)
My mom came around though. I avoided a sit and chat with her because I simply didn’t want to exert any energy over disagreements between what her ‘ideal’ wedding was versus ‘our’ idea of an ideal wedding. One time, over the phone I blatantly told my mom "this is not your wedding, you are not paying for it, we are doing what speaks to us. So from now on, whenever you call me you are not allowed to be critical about our decisions regarding our wedding. If you can’t bite your tongue, then don’t call until you can". And then she called my sister from then on to vent. =o)
why is your mom willing to help pay for your dress but not for the reception? Did you hve a preference? Do you want help with the recpetion instead of the dress?
Hon- just sit with your fiance and figure out what is a priority for the both of you and maybe figure out what you can do in the best interests of you two. Then just ask you mom what she wants to contribute her energy towards in a positive manner.
Post # 4
We ended up having an overseas wedding where my husband’s family and some of my extended family are. My mom was very upset about that but since she wasn’t paying for it, I didn’t feel the need to cave into her demands. While it’s great to have financial support from family, I definitely didn’t want it with any strings attached! If you want the wedding your way, then don’t rely on her and have the wedding that you can afford.
Post # 5
It sounds like you and your mom have many unresolved issues. If you can’t afford a wedding reception and your mom can only pay for your dress, then what kind of wedding decisions are you making at this point? I would think your #1 priority is to get the financial issues figured out before you and your mom are having disagreements over other wedding-related decisions. Perhaps you’d want to consider a small, simple, affordable wedding now and a bigger party to celebrate down the road when you can afford it.
Post # 6
So sorry, it’s a shame that your mom can’t just be happy for you. I had similar issues with my mom when we first got engaged … she had disapproved of us living together without being married, so that had already put some tension between us (I was 31 when we moved in, BTW, and she acted totally ridiculous about it). Then she kept asking me to include her in the planning, like I was going to intentionally leave her out, even though I had made it clear many times that I wanted her to be involved.
She has since come around, thankfully, but it sounds like your mom still has quite a ways to go. Has she given you a reason for why she will only pay for the dress? Does she disapprove of the kind of wedding you want, or some other issue?
I agree with Surgie that maybe it’s good just to plan something very small and simple for now, if you can’t pay for anything bigger without help. If your mom is going to be difficult, that might be the best plan. But also, it sounds like you need to sit down with her to find out what exactly the issue is. Maybe you’re just not having the kind of wedding she always wanted you to have. But it sounds like she needs to understand that this is about *you and your fiance*, not her. It wasn’t clear from your original post, but are you getting married in your fiance’s home state? Maybe she’s taking that personally. If so, again, you need to explain (gently) that it’s not about her.
Post # 7
We got married in my hometown and it was a blessing and a curse. There were plenty of times when it was great to have her there to go to a meeting when I couldn’t come into town. On the other side, there were plenty of times that since she was there and its "her town" type of thing that I wish we had done a destination wedding somewhere else.
Post # 8
Most times I wish Moms could just be invited guests because it gets on my nerves having to manage their feelings.
We are getting married in the city I used to live in, where my FI proposed. It is conveniently close to both my Father’s side (15 – 20 minutes outside of the city) and Mother’s side (1 hour away).
Since I am not getting married in my Mother’s town you would think the world was falling apart. I am so tired of hearing about all the people that cannot make it to my wedding because they don’t drive in the city. How about all of my FI’s family is FLYING in to see us.
Anyway, you should just pay for your own wedding. It will save you a little bit of drama in the long run. Not a lot, but a little bit.