Many false hopes later – no engagement

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

@kimboby:  First of all, WELCOME TO THE HIVE!

I’m sorry to hear about your frustrations…they can be rough.  This is a positive statement that you made here:

I know we are going to get engaged, married and live happily ever after

Great news!

Have you simply tried to talk to him and ask him what the hold up is? 

Post # 4
Member
873 posts
Busy bee

he couldn’t propose because his friendwas proposing 10 months later?! That seems a little crazy to me. I waited a long time as well (we were together 8 years before we got married) so I know it can be be hard but i also know that they come around eventualy. I hope he comes through for you

Post # 6
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Nobody gets a whole year of being engaged all by themselves. Adults understand that’s life. He has every right to propose whenever he wishes, regardless of when anyone else is proposing. His friend does not and should not factor into this equation.

My FI’s brother got engaged last Christmas and are getting married next June, we just got engaged in October (and are getting married two months after them in August), and my brother I think is going to propose to his girlfriend in the next few months. One of my best friends and bridesmaids is expecting a proposal this christmas.

 

Trust me, there is no problem with that. And we are all related/very close. Your FI should have no issue stepping up to the plate. If he wanted to wait so that they wouldn’t be proposing the same WEEK, that makes sense, but not being able to propose for 10 months sounds a little bit like an excuse.

 

You really need to speak to him about how this is making you feel.

 

Post # 8
Member
1018 posts
Bumble bee

@kimboby:  You should sit him down for a calm and serious discussion. I know that no one wants to be that girl that feels like she pressured her SO into proposing, but after 7 years and buying property, I think it’s very reasonable to have that discussion.

I was with my SO a little over seven years when I had the talk with him. I had been reading too much into little details and trying to convince myself it was happening soon. But when I finally did talk to him he had NO IDEA I felt that way, the same way you do. “Being left on a shelf” as you put it – I know exactly what you mean.

I told him I didn’t want him to feel pressured and he told me he was so happy I talked to him about this.

Basically I expected him to know that I was finally ready to get engaged/married and he didn’t. They don’t read clues the way we do. He needed to hear it from me directly.

Bottom line, I think this guy DOES want to marry you…but he’s taking his time and probably thinks he has a lot of it. Tell him how you feel. I know, you’d expect him to know already right? It’s been 7 years, you own a place together, which you’ve already mentioned you wanted that to mean marriage was coming soon (and it probably is) but trust me, he doesn’t know haha.

Anway, sitting down and talking seriously with my SO was the best thing we could’ve done for our relationship at the time and for my waiting anxiety. We just passed our 8 year anniversary and I’m 96% sure he’s going to propose by the end of the year 🙂

Post # 9
Member
1018 posts
Bumble bee

@kimboby:  Sorry I see in one of your updates that you did in fact talk with him. And the first talk I had with my SO about it we disagreed a little bit and I cried too lol (are you me a 9 months ago? lol)

We disagreed because he wanted to get a job (he’s graduating uni soon) and move in together FIRST. I wanted to be engaged before moving in together. So our priorities were creating a stand off.

I finally decided I love him so much, that I would stay with him even if he NEVER wanted to marry. I knew that’d make me sad, but I would be so much sadder to lose him or leave him.

So I told him this and that I would be willing to move in before engagement. But I would probably be expecting it 3-6 months after moving in together. He said he had thought about it too and I won’t have to wait that long.

We both cared enough to support each other’s feelings and adjust our own expectations for the other person.

Post # 12
Member
422 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014 - Rebar

@kimboby:  waiting is tough. Specially when you have been with the same person for years. I am also a waiting been…its been so many years 10 to be exact. What i have noticed is that sometimes one person which usually the girl is ready way before the guy is. This has nothing to do with the love that he has for you or wether he is questioning wether he wants to be with you…marriage tends to freak some people out. I know my SO was freaked out for a bit…bc his parents got divorce and none of his friends were married yet and he felt like he wanted to do more things before getting married. I felt the same way but when i was younger. I think talking to him would be the best thing to do…i spoke to my SO and asked him what his plans were with me and surprisingly he gave me a timeline. Shortly after that we purchased a home. I know its confusing bc u start questioning urself…but absolutely speak to him and ask him what his plans are. Why he is taking time to propose…are there certain things he may want to accomplish before getting married or starting a family? maybe his family is holding him back? or perhaps friends? or maybe he is just freaking out a bit? im sure he will be give u a sincere answer and it wont be so bad. You will be able to understand him better and get through this waiting period without feeling down. keep us updated!

Post # 13
Member
1018 posts
Bumble bee

@kimboby:  I would go through stages like that too, where I felt like when it did happen it would be more “FINALLY!” than an actual “WOW I’m so surprised!”. That really got me down.

But when it does happen, even if you see it coming, it’ll be such a happy moment all the stress of waiting will just melt away. It’ll be YOUR time to enjoy being engaged, it’ll be YOUR proposal story, and YOUR ring and you’ll feel differently.

I’m a lot more positive now that I’m more sure it’s coming, but I went through some dark times where I thought it might never happen or when it did it wouldn’t be as exciting. But it will, when you look into his eyes as he’s asking you to be his wife you’ll forget all about this waiting crap lol. In the moment it won’t feel like an overdue chore.

Post # 14
Member
816 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I am so sorry you are going through this. Why did talking about it result in a fight?

Post # 15
Member
1870 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2006

I think sometimes when you’re anticipating something important and exciting for so long, and are continually let down or forced to put it at the back of your mind because of someone’s else’s agenda, it can cause you to feel numb about it. I almost think it’s a defense mechanism because you don’t want yourself to continue to feel sad and disappointed every time you think or expect it to happen, so you block that from your mind. Now, when you think about it, it seems anticlimatic because you’ve been repressing your expectations for so long. I do think that at that moment though, you’ll feel an overwhelming sense of relief and also excitement because yes, it finally is happening, but also because now you can really open up that part of yourself to be excited.

 

Post # 16
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I will try my best to explain what I think is up with him. Some men sucbscribe to the motto “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”. He knew about your marriage rule, but he also knows that you broke it. I don’t think that he will take that rule seriously. You are basically on the level of the wife, minus the benefit to you. That is a dream for some men. 

I lived with my FI prior to the proposal. We both thought if we could handle living together, we could get married. We both knew we wanted to get married one day. He proposed in less than 2 years of dating. We lived together very quickly, but we did not ignore each others wishes in regards to that.

If he does not propose soon, are you willing to do something drastic, like moving? Perhaps if you are not so available, he will miss what he had before. There comes a point where you have to decide if you can be a girlfriend forever, or if you really want to be a wife. If he can’t or won’t give that to you, action has to be taken. His excuses make little to no sense to me. Other people’s relationships should not interfere with yours. So if you wanted to have kids, you would have to put that off for another couple?! That’s just silly. 

I hope he gives you a wonderful proposal and you tearfully say yes, I really do. I also hope that you are prepared if it does not come. You deserve a romantic man, who loves you enough to make you his wife, without years of excuses and hesitation… I wish you the best!

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