(Closed) Marriage and step kids

posted 6 years ago in Parenting
  • poll:
    No children on both sides : (8 votes)
    35 %
    I have a child / children : (9 votes)
    39 %
    He has child / children : (4 votes)
    17 %
    Currently expecting : (1 votes)
    4 %
    Other... : (1 votes)
    4 %
  • Post # 3
    237 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2012

    I really wonder why this post got no responses. My new husband has 4 adult kids and I have two ages 13 and 16. My kids have been pretty accepting because my husband is so much nicer than all except one man I dated. They are just happy that he treats me well and that I am happy. And he is good to them too.

    His kids are another issue. His son who just graduated and turned 18 has been the easiest because I got to spend more time with him and my husband had him most of the time. Two of his three daughters are no longer communicating with him since the marriage. This has all been very stressful on both my husband and I. His ex also caused lots of trouble by being harassing and always making trouble. One would think after being horrid to him for years then cheating and leaving that she’d just leave him/us alone. Nope.

    We’ve managed to get to a pretty good place but it was hard. When they can respect their Dad and stop trying to tell him who he can be with then we can hopefully have a good relationship with them. Remarriage can be hard if you have others trying their best to come between you. Your relationship has to be really strong to survive it. And you have to try to be on the same page and make some hard choices.

    It seems to be a touchy issue on here because so many people have been on the other side and been the step kids and they don’t always see it is hard for the parents/adults too. Both sides have to give some. It can’t be just one side making all the concessions. Some situations get better and some continue for years. I’m hoping his kids come around to seeing how happy we are….

    Post # 4
    1645 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    My dad remarried when I was 24 and in my first year at graduate school a few hours away. My sister is 18 months older than I am and had moved several states away before my dad and step mom met, and my brother was in college in the same city as my dad and stepmom. My stepmom has 3 kids, then 11, 14, and 15. They have now been married for almost 5 years.

    The biggest thing they fight about is us kids. Mainly my brother and her kids. My brother has taken a tough path and my dad is very defensive of him, however he is quick to criticize her kids. They were more sheltered and spoiled than we were, to some extent, but my dad also doesn’t quite remember that we (his kids) were also pretty selfish and immature when we were teens. My sister and I were mostly out of the picture when they met, and have been more self-sufficient and independent.

    I think an important thing to do right away is to talk about how you raise your kids. How do you discipline them, how much money do you give them, versus them earning it, how do you want the other parent to add in to the equation. What about paying for college? Public school vs. private? Getting them out of the house at some point when they are done with HS going to college? How will you have time alone together, together as a family, and each parent with the kids? You also have to look at how each parent interacts with their own kids and realize that it won’t change. (i.e. my stepmom has a hard time getting her kids to be independent and it is the cause of fight after fight because my dad can’t accept that it is what it is. My dad and stepmom also fight because they both work long hours and my dad wants more alone time with my stepmom than they get.) If you both have kids close to the same age, how will you combine the parenting so that it isn’t an abrupt change from what the child is used to, but so that the parenting styles also merge so that things are fair among all children?

    I worry at times that my dad and stepmom will not last because my dad is so stubborn when it comes to how he thinks my stepmom should parent her kids.

    I don’t know if I’ve been very clear, but these are some of the issues I have seen with my parents over the last few years.

    Also, my dad dated someone when I was a senior in high school before he met my stepmom. I was almost 18 and suddenly this woman was telling my dad how to parent me (and he was listening!) and our understanding that I could do what I wanted as long as I was totally honest and being responsible was over. (I was a pretty good teenager!) I was livid that suddenly I couldn’t see my friends afterschool or go to the movies without getting the third degree, and sometimes being told no for no reason. Once kids reach their teen years, they won’t adjust well to changes in parenting without a fight. In my case I wasn’t drinking, doing drugs, I was an A/B student who played sports and was in the band. The radical change in parenting didn’t sit well with my dad and I, and we fought more than ever in those months.


    Post # 5
    10851 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I’m a stepmom to a 6 year old. It hasn’t been easy but I think overall, it’s really good. I have a great relationship with my stepson, and we’ve become a good parenting team with my SS’s mom. The key for us has been consistency and persistence. It’s not easy parenting with three people, and I’ve had my share of issues to work through (I’m sure we’ve all had our share of things to work though) but the past year or so has been remarkably easier.

    For me, I’ve had to impress upon the fact that I’m a parent even though there’s a “step” in front of it. I’m still helping to shape this little person’s life, and that’s not something I take lightly. I’m not a babysitter, or a friend, or an auntie, I’m a stepparent.

    Darling Husband and I have always been pretty open about what we’re feeling, how any issues with his son or his son’s mom may be affecting either of us or our relationship. I think that’s been the key for us, just talking and being honest. We all make the best decisions we can, and we do our best to be a “united front”, LOL!

    Post # 6
    1785 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Good Luck –

    The topic ‘Marriage and step kids’ is closed to new replies.

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