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Sounds like you have a lot on your mind! It's great to be able to vent on the 'bee. But maybe seek an individual therapist for now? And hopefully one day your husband will be on board to join. I think it's so much better to talk it out with someone who is neutral (meaning not family and friends) and who can help provide insight without any agenda. Marriage and the maintenance of the relationship is so hard. It's exhausting sometimes because it requires constant work. But it's worth it.
Oh dear, that sounds like one major rut you are in!
I'm not married yet but I have had my share of ruts with Mr. Roux, about 6 weeks ago I'd wake up and look at him and think "Really? You for the rest of my life? With your freaking loud breathing and your stupid picky eating, and your never wanting to do anything?" And we also have no money, my job finishes up in 6 weeks and I have nothing lined up, our credit cards are maxed out and lots of stuff sucks.
I think its important to realise that its really common for newlyweds to go through this adjustment period. Did you live together before you got married? Have things really changed, or have they stayed the same when you expected them to change?
Also I hear you on the weight thing. I lost 13kg in the months leading up to us moving in together, and put on 13kg pretty quickly after we moved in, and I've only lost 3 of those kg. I'm trying now to lose 16kg by the wedding. Perhaps we could do it together and keep on track via FB?
Yes, it sounds like you are getting unhealthy from stress and it's great that you are aware of the problems.
You could see a therapist just for you. Joining an exercise group or something like weight watchers could be great for you too--- a supportive community.
In my opinion, you need to work on your own happiness and health before your relationship can get worked on.
Go for the therapy! You deserve it!
@cvbee: ditto. In my opinion, you need to work on your own happiness and health before your relationship can get worked on.
Once you decide you actively want to improve, take baby steps. Do thinkgs because you should want to even if you don't think you will enjoy them and you may be surprised. If not, you'll at least be trying.
ETA: I hope that does not come off harsh, I just ree-read it and realized the text may not convey the support Iw as trying to offer.
@jennifer_espos: The bee has been my lifesaver. Literally- even before we got married we went to marriage counselling as I had cold feet. We worked it out but it feels tho the same shutter is up and we put a bandaid on it and then keep on going!
Individual counselling is a good idea, but really risky in a city like ours. I know too many people. Our first counsellor... was actually my high school english teacher!!! Who did have counsellor training and she was very helpful. But Im kinda scared to go it alone? What if i suck at the solution? What if I cant fix it? I dont want to walk away. I do want to face it head on and hurdle over it.
@Roux: Hey steph, yeah we lived together for about 2 years before we got married. I wanted things to stay the same. i think I have changed though and got myself in a rut. I want to do things, and i just feel trapped. No close friends anymore to confide in. Everyone who is married is popping out kids where Im not at that stage....
I constantly sway between.. Im happy with how life is... to how life miserable it feels like. When I know things are tough for others. I should be counting our blessings really.. grateful that we both have jobs, were building, where together etc.
We hardly fight.... we just hardly have 'real' conversations. Feels like were just being pleasant.. and when I open my mouth to say something differant its negative.
Sounds good about the weightloss. Ill FB you
@cvbee: Thanks for the encouragement!
Hmmm, that is tough. First, I would talk to your friends, and tell them how you feel. Sometimes, people's perceptions of what is going on in your life will make them feel like they need to back away, when in reality, you need them now more than ever. Just call them, tell them you are in a rut, and would love some girl time to get your mind off it. This actually just happened to me with my bff. We are both really busy, and I have been going through some health stuff that got worse, but never told her. We ended up hanging out weekend before this one that just past, and I told her everything that has been going on, and started crying. She had no idea, and now checks on me everyday, even if its just a text to see how I am. Sometimes, you just have to flat out tell people that you need them.
As for your husband, you just need to sit down and have a straight forward, nice talk with him. Tell him how serious this is, and that you really need his support to fix it. Men just don't get it, and think that acting like things are fine will make them fine, when in reality, it doesn't. See if there are things that the 2 of you can do together to help fix the situation without going to see someone else. He may be up for it, since most guys don't want to go to counseling. It could be worth a shot ((HUGS))
@ccranetobe: If you're worried about it being someone you know, or about something you say in therapy getting around, seek out a psychologist - not just someone with a little training, but a professional. They would NEVER betray your confidence - it goes against everything that the profession stands for. They wouldn't even tell people that you're seeing them.
first: ((hugs))!!
second: stick with the gym, even when you don't want to go and you hate it, push yourself anyway. Try and do fun classes with loud music and other women and even though you may hate the first 10 minutes, by the end you'll be happy you went! this is what I have to do sometimes to get myself to go. you may not be losing weight yet, but you'll definitely be improving your shape and muscle tone by going regularly, plus it'll de-stress you and help you sleep better.
third: remember that counselling is confidential, so yes it may be with someone that you know but they really aren't supposed to tell anyone else anything. it's good that he went to pre-marital counselling with you, so he could be willing to again, he seems like he really doesn't understand how down you feel. Men often think 'oh she's being emotional' again and you need to explain the difference of it's not just you having a bad day/week but you feeling really, really down all the time and unhappy with your life. And yes, I agree with the other bees - tell your girlfriends too how much you need them! they will want to help you!
the job thing plus the house thing plus being newly married, it's normal that you are so stressed but you shouldn't have to deal with everything by yourself and you need to be able to turn to your husband to make him understand! (but i completely understand being with someone or doesn't say much sometimes or takes a long time to think about what to say, sometimes I feel like I'm just babbling on and on only to get one sentence in return!)
@mightywombat: thanks for that! Never thought of it.
Ill need to go see them when were in a better financial situation. I dont have access to the credit card. And I have about $6.00 in my bank account. All my pay goes towards our mortgage and paying the extra 4k.
@ccranetobe:Gotcha. I don't know what Australia's health care system is like, or if you have health insurance, but it's worth figuring out if it's covered.
Even if it's not, it's worth going to your primary care doc (if you have one and insurance covers it) and telling him/her how you've been feeling. They might be able to make some good suggestions.
@londongal: Im sticking with the gym.. as much as I hate pulling in that carpark all i want to do is turn the car straight around and just go home. Its just highly unlike me. I used to be an exercise fanatic. Gym 4 times a week, 1hr running in the morning. I was hardcore. I dunno what happened!
So true about men. We had a good chat last night for a few hours but talking about all the emotions is so exhausting. I think he gets it, but its just a short term solution and thinks it will all "just get fixed" and that he and I dont need a counsellor. He says theres nothing wrong with us.. and I kept on saying its me.. I kinda got the impression from him with his responses and his body language is literally is 'What are you telling me for attitude"
Thanks for the advice and support ladies. Feels good to get it out and less overwhelming!
I think you are in more than a rut, sounds like a mild depression. Building a house is one of the most stressful undertakings in any relationship. And it sounds like your job is stressful too plus you're adjusting to marriage. It's really just way too much going on at one time. It's definitely not you-it's totally normal to feel this way under these circumstances.
I second the therapy idea and I would even suggest medication for a short time. It will motivate you to work out and start making healthy decisions about your life. And it doesn't have to be forever. Believe me, I've been there and it works.
Good luck and take care:)
Definitely take some iron supplements - I find everything feels just a little bit better when you're not exhausted, if only in the way that it gives you that extra little 'oomph' to take care of yourself. Not to mention low iron levels can be really dangerous, and we don't want to add health problems on top of everything else.
@ccranetobe: oh my, reading your initial post, all i could think was "ahh, that was ME too!" We moved to a new state, I got a really shitty job, had no friends, bought a house, worried about money, got a puppy, and a whole mess of other stressful situations. It sounds like you are also surrounded by stressful situations and it's effecting your relationship & personal attitude. With so many aspects of your life involving stress, it's hard to overcome it on your own, because there doesn't seem to be even ONE THING to look at/focus on and say "Yes, this makes me happy. This makes me feel good."
I can't speak exactly for your husband, but when I feel into that "I can't handle anything in my life" rut, he just didn't know what to do. For him, he tried to help me for a while with talking and suggestions, but I wasn't responsive. Basically, he shut down. He didn't want to talk it out, because he knew it wouldn't solve anything. My behavior was effecting him, too - he was really concerned, worried, and even angry at me. I'm guessing your husband might not think everything is truly "alright", but doesn't think he can help & is trying to "stay out of it" to protect his own feelings.
The only thing that helped me was going to a therapist. I know you said you don't have much money for one & neither did we. I don't know about Australia, but our insurance has a program that allows 6 sessions of therapy covered at 100%. Once those sessions were through, my therapist allowed me to continue with a reduced rate until I felt ready to go it alone.
I can't stress enough how much therapy helped me. I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't have gone and really done the work to feel better. Part of it was having time for myself, to be allowed to complain & whine without feeling like a burden. Part of it was having someone point out patterns in my unhappiness, so that I can identify/prevent/work through stressful situations. I am 120% happier these days and so is everyone around me. Just the other night my husband told me how proud/happy/relieved he is that I worked through that time.
I literally feel your pain and my heart is going out to you. If you want an internet friend to talk to, PM me. Know that you won't feel this way forever, but you do have to do something to make it better. Keep the hive updated, okay?
((hugs))
When DH and I got married, my dad told me the first year would be the hardest and I just sort of blew it off. We'd been living together for ages, and things certainly didn't feel any different after we got married, we just had rings and a big party to celebrate it. But after a few months, it hit home really hard. My dad was right. DH was working a ton, I barely saw him, we were bickering and fighting, he annoyed me just by looking at me, I was resenting his job, any time he spent with anyone other than me because I saw him so little, everything. I think we were both a bit miserable. DH didn't want to be working so much, but I certainly wasn't making things easier on him at home. So we've been working on it. We're each putting in an effort to be nicer, to spend more time together, to communicate more effectively.
Amynystik recommended the book The Love List to me which DH and I have been reading and really enjoying. Even if you don't do all the things they set out, there are questions and answers in each section that are really good just to start conversations. The whole book just makes you more aware of your relationship and how you interact with each other. I think it's really helped us a lot :)
Just keep swimming dear. If DH doesn't want to come to counselling just yet, go by yourself and work on you. It's only going to help. And mightywombat is right, ask your doctor if there is a gov't sponsored program if you're referred via a physician. It sounds like you want to work towards fixing things and that's the first step right?
Counseling might help, but if your DH doesn't want to, and you don't want to in your city, you'll need to find other options.
I don't think you or DH needs counseling. Two married adults shouldn't need to go to counseling for everything. Reserve the counseling for the big and/or extreme stuff.
Financially: Don't live off your credit cards! If you do this it is likely things will get even worse financially. Cut back on your expenses. Cut back in the ammenities in your new house and buy them later when you can afford them.
Your job: Not much you can do there. But... find something relaxing you can do to wind down. Maybe walking, jogging, crafting, whatever works for you.
Your husband: Marriage has its ups and downs. You're in a down right now. That's all. It's not going to be rainbows and sunshine all the time. Date night wears off with most marriages. Maybe find something the two of you enjoy like coffee time, tea time, sailing, dancing, walking, hiking, biking, etc. It's about the quality time, not the event/action. If you find that, then the communication will likely come easier and flow better.
Your weight: I eat when I am stressed as well. Keep healthy, low calorie foods and snacks in your home and while at work, so when you do snack you won't do as much damage. Make one or more of your relaxing and/or quality time with your husband activities something active so you get exercise and can shed some weight.
Sex: Sometimes you just have to do it, even when you don't feel like it. When you're married, sex isn't always romance and rose petals. Sometimes it is just okay, you got me for 15 minutes before I fall asleep.
Marriage is give and take. If you start to give he will see your effort and hopefully start to give as well. Then both of you can take and enjoy your marriage. And when you get out of this rut, don't beat yourself up when the next rut comes. And it will come! You don't need to go to counseling for every little thing. Marriage is work! Get to work!
ETA: I forgot about friends: You're a married lady now. You're probably going to have to make new married lady friends. That is just the way life goes. It would even better if you and your husband can make couples friends. Couples going out to do things together and/or having casual dinner parties, cookouts, game nights, etc. would do a lot for your personal mindset and probably a lot for your marriage as well.
One other thing, if you're feeling a little lonely (I totally get where you're coming from there), see if there are any local meet-up.com groups near you. One of my best friends was feeling a little left out after her relationship ended and she realized she was one of the only single girls in her friend group, so I suggested she look for a few groups (both for singles and just for women). She joined a book club and a few other ones and she's made a ton of new friends and is SO much happier. I think as you get older it's harder to make new friends, especially if you don't have kids and aren't taking all the mommy and me classes, etc. So maybe look for something like that and it might help you branch out and make some new friends :)
You poor thing! That is a lot to handle all at once! I'm so sorry!
I think all of these issues are probably mutually reinforcing, and that if you can just fix a couple of these problems, your outlook on everything will be a lot brighter.
Since they're (hopefully) fairly quick fixes, I would start with the iron, sex, and weight issues. If you have more energy and feel better about your body, you'll probably be in the mood more often; and if you're being intimate frequently, I suspect you and your husband will fall back in sync emotionally and communication will be easier. Speaking from personal experience, I've definitely had periods in my relationship where we'd go a week or more without sex, both get kind of grouchy and uncommunicative, and I'd start to worry that there were deeper issues--only to find that after a good shag or two everything was back to normal. So try for at least 2 or 3 times a week (whether you feel like it or not! just do it! and soon enough you will feel like it), and I'd bet anything you'll both feel better in two weeks.
On the weight: it's probably not something that just going to the gym will fix. I would try watching your diet instead/in addition. You say your DH cooks dinner--can you ask him to go easy on the butter/cheese etc. and give you smaller portions?
On the boredom/date night issue: I know money's tight and your DH is resistant, but there must be fun things you can do together. Could you do something outdoorsy together on the weekends? Start watching a new TV series/some movies you've been wanting to see? Read each others' favorite book and discuss? Since he apparently likes to cook, maybe you could pick one or two nights a week when he teaches you to cook or you do it together. Pour yourselves a glass of wine and put on some happy music--you don't even have to talk too much, just be together and have fun.
Finally, on the negativity issue: that's probably more a reflection of your mood/emotional state right now and also the sex thing, so it might take a while to truly get better. What you can do, though, is try to balance it out with genuine compliments. Try to make sure you say something sweet and heartfelt to your DH at least twice a day. Think about the qualities that made you fall for him and try to see those in him now. They can be silly compliments sometimes-- you could tell him he has the most attractive knees of any man you've ever seen, as long as you do it with a smile in a half-teasing, half-oh-my-gosh-you're-really-hot voice. The point is to remind him that even though he drives you nuts sometimes, you're still crazy about him. Sometimes just saying sweet things, even if it's not totally spontaneous, makes you feel the emotions you're expressing.
Good luck! It'll all work out--everyone goes through ruts.
@PutABirdOnIt: Im going to the doctor this friday, I called through and I actually got a call from the doc himself. He has been my GP for a long time and he saw my name come up on the booking register and he was worried because the appointment was far away he called to check. A quick 2 minute chat and he said that coming in to chat was the best thing that I could do and to take some time out. He had heard via the grapevine I wasnt at work yesterday. (The joys of being in a small country city)
@ceamoste: I am actually allergic to iron injections and iron infusions. So its one of those ongoing problems that goes up and down.But the doctor seems to have it in hand. Ive been to a specialist and the doc does wonder how I actually get out of bed in the first place. So dealing with that normally and everything else.. its just so much.
@mowi322: Thanks very much for the offer and the support. It comforting to know that someone has been through something similar.
@bakerella: Im swwimmmin!!!! Thanks for the reccomendation for the book and your words. I didnt realise how much that life can get you in a rut and it seems so hard sometimes and you never realise how deep you are until its at rock bottom. And good call about the meetups. Im googling for groups in the area and I picked up the paper today.
@2ndtime: We have actually been really good with our finances. The credit card we will only live off for the next fortnight. Mainly just paying some bills, food etc. We have a $4500 credit card and at the moment there is only $600.00 that we need to pay. So we do have some flexibility but my husband said that its only to be used for the essentials. He said i can use the creditcard though to see the doctor.
We just hit a bottom with an unexpected cost. We cleared out our bank account to pay the deposit for the house and we had some money left over to pay first mortgage and an extra $500 because we knew there would be a water registration fee. Its just that our bank stuffed up with our contract and we were left owing 4k to the builder which we thought the bank would cover! So we have just been paying that with our cash. But its still stressful sorting it out and dealing with the telephone calls that go with it and the frustration. We are glad we do not have anything else part from rent to pay and utilities and now the mortgage. I know there are a people doing a lot worse than myself, so I feel guilty for thinking that this is a massive problem. Its a short term problem. I should just be grateful that I have a roof over my head, food on the table and hotwater and that we have clean clothes to put on. Its very hard to keep level headed on this.
Also thanks for the words of advice about the other things I raised. You have some really great suggestions.
@S.H.: Thanks for your words. You have some good points! and you nearly made me spit my coffee when you suggested the "he has the most attractive knees". Made me smile! :)
Oh sweetie! That's so much on your mind. I think that you need to work on feeling better first. I know that things are tough for me when I don't feel well and I don't want to have sex or really do anything. And as for your husband, I would drag him out to do something fun every once and a while! Maybe shaking things up is what your relationship needs.
I am feeling a bit blah today as well about things, and reading through all these fabulous suggestions has been great! yep, everyone hits a rut.... just have to pick ourselves back up and work through it. hope you are feeling better now! x
Hey hun, just wanted to let you know your doctor should be able to refer you to a psychologist for 6 sessions that will be fully covered by medicare. I saw a councellor last year to work through the panic attacks and anxiety I was having, and I got 2 referrals for 6 free sessions. In special cases they can give you 3 referrals a year. So definately follow that up because it helped me a lot when I needed help but couldn't afford it. From memory my councellor had sliding scale fees, and charged me the exact same amount as the medicare refund, $80 or something per session.
Hope things are starting to look up, I know how horrible it is to be stressed out about nearly every facet of your life all at once. *hugs*
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is tough!! Shouldnt this stuff be easy like 85% of the time? Lately this last few months I feel like Im climbing up a hill and never quite reaching the top.
1. Financially - were building our own house. Yay- thats exciting. But we got hit by our bank for another 4k that we dont have sitting around. Causing us for the first time to live off our credit card.
2. My job is friggen stressful. I travel alot between office each week and I really need to stick at it. They recently got rid of a few people at work and made redundancies. So im holding on to my job for dear life - even though my boss says my job is one of the safest. I sometimes think that they will rethink that. But the jobs around my part of the city in the same salary are a bit hard to find.
3. I feel as though Im actually bored with my husband.. We hardly have date nights - even tho we try. He just likes routine and never likes to be impulsive on something. For example - dinner has to be around 5.30pm and he cooks it and not I. I can exactly to the tee predict how his week goes. Even tho I try to change it.. he grumbles and he hates it.
- He never talks!!! I try to talk about my feelings etc and I have to wait 10 minutes for a reply... Granted I know hes measuring his words but it always feels like now a stalled conversation and we never fully discuss it.
4. Ive put on nearly 10kgs since ive got married!! thats TWO dress sizes!! I cant lose it even tho how much I gym it. I am not comfortable being the size I am... infact.. well i hate it. Ive had to buy new jeans etc and I feel as tho I look shite in whatever I wear.
5. I have drasticly low iron levels- some days I just have to push myself and get out of bed.
6. unsatisfactory sex life. - basically me just saying no because I seriously just cant be bothered. 3 months without sex and counting? That would be enough to make any man be miserable or myself...
7. I feel a little trapped. None of my single friends hardly talk to me since ive gotten married. They always think Im busy and I try calling them etc for coffee, dinner, pub they dont want to go. I feel as though i am on the outside. I am the very first of my close friends to get married - so i could understand this could be a little wierd.
8. my attitude on how I treat my husband and I need to control the negativity. I have a very sarcastic sense of humour and well.. sometimes there is no need for sarcasm. I feel as though it belittles him sometimes, and it just slips out! I dont mean to be so negative towards him I just say it. I mean it has funny ha ha and well... its a funny fail.
9. He wont go to counselling with me. He thinks everything is fine.. and there is no problem and its just my view as it being the problem.
Sorry, I dont know what the point of the post. Its just a very frustrating place to be in! I even took today off work :( I couldnt cope with going in and smiling and pretending everything is fine and dandy. I cant do fake. I just needed to type this out.. You know where your at the point where you want to scream? but just cant? and no ones listening?