(Closed) Marriage – and the relationship.

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Sounds like you have a lot on your mind!  It’s great to be able to vent on the ‘bee.  But maybe seek an individual therapist for now?  And hopefully one day your husband will be on board to join.  I think it’s so much better to talk it out with someone who is neutral (meaning not family and friends) and who can help provide insight without any agenda.  Marriage and the maintenance of the relationship is so hard.  It’s exhausting sometimes because it requires constant work.  But it’s worth it.

Post # 4
Member
1213 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Oh dear, that sounds like one major rut you are in!

 I’m not married yet but I have had my share of ruts with Mr. Roux, about 6 weeks ago I’d wake up and look at him and think “Really? You for the rest of my life? With your freaking loud breathing and your stupid picky eating, and your never wanting to do anything?” And we also have no money, my job finishes up in 6 weeks and I have nothing lined up, our credit cards are maxed out and lots of stuff sucks.

I think its important to realise that its really common for newlyweds to go through this adjustment period. Did you live together before you got married? Have things really changed, or have they stayed the same when you expected them to change?

Also I hear you on the weight thing. I lost 13kg in the months leading up to us moving in together, and put on 13kg pretty quickly after we moved in, and I’ve only lost 3 of those kg. I’m trying now to lose 16kg by the wedding. Perhaps we could do it together and keep on track via FB?

Post # 5
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Yes, it sounds like you are getting unhealthy from stress and it’s great that you are aware of the problems. 

You could see a therapist just for you.   Joining an exercise group or something like weight watchers could be great for you too— a supportive community.

In my opinion, you need to work on your own happiness and health before your relationship can get worked on. 

Go for the therapy!  You deserve it!

Post # 6
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

@cvbee: ditto. In my opinion, you need to work on your own happiness and health before your relationship can get worked on.

Once you decide you actively want to improve, take baby steps. Do thinkgs because you should want to even if you don’t think you will enjoy them and you may be surprised. If not, you’ll at least be trying.

ETA: I hope that does not come off harsh, I just ree-read it and realized the text may not convey the support Iw as trying to offer.

Post # 8
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Hmmm, that is tough.  First, I would talk to your friends, and tell them how you feel. Sometimes, people’s perceptions of what is going on in your life will make them feel like they need to back away, when in reality, you need them now more than ever. Just call them, tell them you are in a rut, and would love some girl time to get your mind off it.  This actually just happened to me with my bff. We are both really busy, and I have been going through some health stuff that got worse, but never told her. We ended up hanging out weekend before this one that just past, and I told her everything that has been going on, and started crying. She had no idea, and now checks on me everyday, even if its just a text to see how I am. Sometimes, you just have to flat out tell people that you need them.

As for your husband, you just need to sit down and have a straight forward, nice talk with him. Tell him how serious this is, and that you really need his support to fix it. Men just don’t get it, and think that acting like things are fine will make them fine, when in reality, it doesn’t. See if there are things that the 2 of you can do together to help fix the situation without going to see someone else. He may be up for it, since most guys don’t want to go to counseling. It could be worth a shot ((HUGS))

Post # 9
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@ccranetobe: If you’re worried about it being someone you know, or about something you say in therapy getting around, seek out a psychologist – not just someone with a little training, but a professional.  They would NEVER betray your confidence – it goes against everything that the profession stands for.  They wouldn’t even tell people that you’re seeing them.

Post # 10
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

first: ((hugs))!!

second: stick with the gym, even when you don’t want to go and you hate it, push yourself anyway.  Try and do fun classes with loud music and other women and even though you may hate the first 10 minutes, by the end you’ll be happy you went! this is what I have to do sometimes to get myself to go.  you may not be losing weight yet, but you’ll definitely be improving your shape and muscle tone by going regularly, plus it’ll de-stress you and help you sleep better.

third: remember that counselling is confidential, so yes it may be with someone that you know but they really aren’t supposed to tell anyone else anything.  it’s good that he went to pre-marital counselling with you, so he could be willing to again, he seems like he really doesn’t understand how down you feel.  Men often think ‘oh she’s being emotional’ again and you need to explain the difference of it’s not just you having a bad day/week but you feeling really, really down all the time and unhappy with your life.  And yes, I agree with the other bees – tell your girlfriends too how much you need them!  they will want to help you!  

the job thing plus the house thing plus being newly married, it’s normal that you are so stressed but you shouldn’t have to deal with everything by yourself and you need to be able to turn to your husband to make him understand!  (but i completely understand being with someone or doesn’t say much sometimes or takes a long time to think about what to say, sometimes I feel like I’m just babbling on and on only to get one sentence in return!)

Post # 12
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@ccranetobe:Gotcha. I don’t know what Australia’s health care system is like, or if you have health insurance, but it’s worth figuring out if it’s covered.

Even if it’s not, it’s worth going to your primary care doc (if you have one and insurance covers it) and telling him/her how you’ve been feeling. They might be able to make some good suggestions.

Post # 14
Member
2385 posts
Buzzing bee

*hug*

Post # 15
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I think you are in more than a rut, sounds like a mild depression.  Building a house is one of the most stressful undertakings in any relationship.  And it sounds like your job is stressful too plus you’re adjusting to marriage.  It’s really just way too much going on at one time. It’s definitely not you-it’s totally normal to feel this way under these circumstances.

I second the therapy idea and I would even suggest medication for a short time.  It will motivate you to work out and start making healthy decisions about your life.  And it doesn’t have to be forever.  Believe me, I’ve been there and it works. 

Good luck and take care:)

Post # 16
Member
1585 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Definitely take some iron supplements – I find everything feels just a little bit better when you’re not exhausted, if only in the way that it gives you that extra little ‘oomph’ to take care of yourself. Not to mention low iron levels can be really dangerous, and we don’t want to add health problems on top of everything else.

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