Post # 1
As much as I love my Boyfriend or Best Friend and I want to be married to him, I get this nagging voice that perhaps I only need marriage to prove to the world (and to myself) that I have been “chosen” and therefore, I am “good enough”. I have read over a dozen self-help books and have been to counseling as recently as last year. I can’t seem to 100% get rid of this nagging thought.
At what point does the desire to be married blur in with deep seated insecurity of never being “chosen”? On paper, I know I have plenty going for me. I know I am attractive. I still fit into my clothes from high school! I exercise, have a career, great friends, tons of hobbies, I travel, speak 2 languages and LOVE my job. People assume my life is so complete that I could never be married and be okay. But I HATE being the only never-married person I know at my age. I have never been “chosen” by any man. I have never been engaged and the last Boyfriend or Best Friend I had that stated he wanted to marry me was when I was 20. I date nice guys, but all were commitment-phobes, including my son’s dad. It drives me insane and in spite of all the counseling I’ve gotten, the problem gets worse every passing year. My 32nd birthday is in 3 weeks. I will probably have a meltdown and it’s probably best that my Boyfriend or Best Friend is not around me on that day!
I would never express this to any of my longtime friends. Each and every one of them is married. I have 2 friends that are 23 and 25, but they wouldn’t really understand since their biological clock isn’t ringing. While I have one son already, I always wanted 2 children. I can always adopt, and I am totally okay with doing that if I have to. So my need to be married isn’t for procreation. My Boyfriend or Best Friend already knows that if we don’t work out I will seek adoption, since i am not bearing children after a certain age. The bio clock is almost an non-issue.
I don’t know how to build up my self esteem enough to be happy with the fact that I may never be married. I wish it’s something I could live with, but I’m afraid it will tear up my self esteem if my Boyfriend or Best Friend does not propose.
Can anyone relate? I am so embarrased to be putting this on WB boards!
Post # 3
Can totally relate. Dated this guy off and on for 10 years, and I never got full Girlfriend status never mind Finacee. Found out that during one of our “off” periods, he proposed to the girl he was dating. It didn’t work out between them, (obviously, we were back on by the time I found out) but I HIT. THE. ROOF. How DARE you string me along for the better part of a decade, then choose HER? Why am I not worthy as wife material? Thankfully, we broke up for good then, and I’m currently planning my wedding the absolute man of my dreams. I was much like you in that I had very healthy self-esteem, but felt very rejected in this area of life. Marriage is a natural milestone to achieve, and while it’s not “necessary” any longer, there is something really special about vowing to be together forever. You just have to move marriage from the “how I feel about myself” category, over to the “what I want to achieve” category. 🙂
Post # 4
I couldn’t have said it better than @MissNoodles:
“You just have to move marriage from the “how I feel about myself” category, over to the “what I want to achieve” category. 🙂 “
She just summed up right there what I wanted to say! 🙂
Post # 5
@minie77: We Canadian girls have all the smart answers right Minie? 😉
Post # 6
Heeeeyyy, Winnipeg! I just saw that 🙂 I’m in Ottawa, nice to meet you!
Post # 7
I guess I think about it a bit differently. Not everyone is going to be right for me so ‘good enough’ isn’t quite how I’d think about it, I guess I’d think of it more as ‘not meant to be’. Commitment and monogamy are important to me and something I was always very upfront about. I think marriage is a beautiful ceremony to celebrate that commitment with others. So if someone didn’t want to be married to me than for me it’s a deal breaker and I guess I view it more as they’re not ‘good enough’ for me and I should keep looking. If we don’t share the same values on such a core aspect of a relationship it’s just not going to work.
Post # 8
You’re “choosing” him too, right? I agree that it’s not about being “good enough.” Anyone can get married. Crappy, horrible people get married all the time. It’s about spending your life with someone you love, someone who makes your life perfect, not because you’re married, but because you love each other perfectly. Marriage is very common. It doesn’t make you special. But your marriage should be special to you. As long as that’s true, you’re good, IMO.
Post # 9
@Beluga: Anyone can get married. Crappy, horrible people get married all the time. It’s about spending your life with someone you love, someone who makes your life perfect, not because you’re married, but because you love each other perfectly. Marriage is very common. It doesn’t make you special.
This should be repeated. 🙂
OP- I feel the same about the birthday thing. I turn 30 in 2 weeks and am SO excited, but the engagement thing is in the back of my head.