Post # 1
I dont know where to begin and I think this post will be all over the place, so please bear with me. I created this new username for privacy. I was active on weddingbee during the year leading up to my wedding, which was just 6 months ago.
Lately, my husband and I have been having major issues. We constantly fight. I know most of the time it might be my fault for not picking and choosing my battles, or getting nasty and moody. Right before the wedding my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and that has been very stressful and according to my husband “We didnt start our marriage like a normal couple”. As I type that it sounds a little mean (my opinion) but he didn’t say it with hate.
Also, in addition to this, I am on a drug that treats depression and anxiety. It was prescribed mostly for anxiety and for another condition I have that affects my blood pressure when standing. Since we are newlyweds, after we were married we discussed me weaning off this medicine because although it (might) be safe to be on it and get pregnant, it was my (our) preference not to. So, I’ve worked with my doctor to wean off gradually. Now, I’m not sure if I can attribute my moodiness or anger towards the effects of the medicine, but my guess it does have some impact.
I feel like we do not have a fun, normal relationship. I care for my husband but at times I get so angry when we argue that all I can think of is divorce because I cannot stand the thought of continuining on like this for the rest of our lives.
I suggested counseling and the conversation was OK at first but after about 45 minutes turned to anger and hurt and he left the house for a few hours to cool off. I was worried while he was gone and cried when he came home because of the stress of all going on.
The following night, after work, he suggested going out to a nice dinner (this was an obvious effort to do something nice together which I appreciated) but I wasnt in the mood. I was tired and still upset from all going on – I feel like I’m forcing myself to be normal and happy in these situations. He was hurt by me saying I didnt want to go that night but then we ended up going after I said it would be OK. BUT – we argued right before we entered the restaurant over parking!! Turned into a major blowup and he still wanted to go in and after yelling and getting nasty (again) I said I did not want to sit through dinner after all this and we left. Didnt talk at all that night.
I can talk to my sister about this and I dont want to really discuss it with friends. What do you guys think? Is counseling a good idea? Worth a shot? Its hard to think that counseling is necessary after just 6 months. I’m so upset and angry that this is even happening.
Post # 3
@sunset927: I’m sorry to hear about your mom 🙁 I’m sure this is causing a lot of stress in your life and your relationship.
I think counseling is a good idea. If you two love eachother, it’s a good move to make and perhaps you can get things sorted out. You two are married, you are a team, and counseling may give you the tools you need to communicate better and get along. Good Luck!
Post # 4
@sunset927: Counseling is never a bad thing. Even when things are ‘great’ in relationship, counseling can be cathartic for a couple. However, my suggestion (based off your post, and not to offend you at all) is for you to definitely seek counseling as an individual, and then eventually, introduce your husband to join you…
I feel you are going thru A LOT right now. My God, your mom has stage 4 cancer…that alone is enough to make a person ‘shut down’ (I know, because I went thru it too, and needed to procure a counselor to talk thru my anxieties and fears!). On top of that, you are weaning yourself off medicine that was perscribed for depression, etc. Although I respect your decision and reasons, there needs to be a Plan B for you to fall back on when you are feeling down, angry or frustrated.
A counselor can be that Plan B. I am not saying this is all your fault, but when you stated that your DH tried to do something nice with you, and you declined because you were not in the mood…that worried me…for YOU.
And remember, you guys agreed to be there for one another in good times and bad. This is a bad time, but with solid communication and support, a rough patch can pass.
Post # 5
@sunset927: Oh hun, I am so sorry you feel this way. I know it’s not how you imgained your first year as newlyweds.
“We didnt start our marriage like a normal couple”
Who does? Just 3 months into our marriage, my DH decided he didn’t want his job anymore and we’ve somehow put ourselves in a situation where he is unemployed and I am the breadwinner until he figures out our future (prob. going back to school). I thought I would be the one to stay at home and hopefully start a family this year… Anyways, my point is, lots of newlyweds go through woes at the beginning of marriage, later on, in between, it happens to all of us. I wish it was always sugar coated sweetness, but it’s not :/
I think counselling is a great idea, and at least worth a try. It’s worth trying to save your marriage and at least you’ll know you really tried if it doesn’t work out in the end…
Best of luck to you, *Hugs*
Post # 6
I think couples counseling as well as individual counseling for you could be beneficial. Don’t let the 6 month thing scare you off, if there’s a problem and you both recognize it– no harm in seeking help at an early stage to nip it.
Post # 7
@sunset927: You keep focusing on the length of time you have been married but that isn’t always the best indicator. Relationships do not run on timelines. If you feel counseling could help, then maybe it is worth a shot. It sounds like your communication is broken down and the two of you resort to treating each other badly rather than compromising and having a discussion.
Relationships are not always fun, happy, exciting, and wonderful. Marriage takes work and anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar. Over the course of a marriage, you will deal with so many obstacles and challenges and you guys don’t have the tools to do that right now. Introducing a baby into the mix will not help the situation.
If you can’t fix your communication and conflict resolution skills on your own, then I do think counseling is a good idea.
Post # 8
It’s never too early to go to counseling. We went after being married for less than three months. It took awhile to get DH to agree with it because he thought it was admitting that we had failed after only a few months. I eventually told him it was a divorce or counseling and he grudgingly went to counseling. We are still working on our marriage but we are certainly a lot happier!
Post # 9
- Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium
Even though you’ve only been married for 6 months, your relationship (presumeably) has been a lot longer. There’s no shame in saying, “I love you, but something is off. Let’s go talk to someone to fix it.” My husband and I go through spats… we’ve been together for 8 years. That’s a lot of “past” that can creep into our pretty awesome lives and turn a day sour.
I don’t see counseling as a last resort– when you see something is off, I think you should try to fix it and not wait until you’ve hurt each other so badly that you’re walking in the office with divorce on your mind.
Post # 10
@MrsPanda99: Well put. I agree 🙂
Post # 11
I’ve heard the first year is the hardest for newly weds, and you don’t seem to be an exception.
I absolutely recommend counseling. Parking should not cause a blow up fight; obviously we aren’t actually angry about parking. Talking to a professional will air out what is really troubling each of you and help you put that fear/worry/anger into something constructive.
Post # 12
@veryberry13: Thank you!
@O.My.Heart: Thank you
@Mrs_Amanda: Thank you, I agree I probably need individual counseling.
@BeachBride2014: Yes, there are underlying issues and things that are taken the wrong way when argiuing. Of course, it wasnt just the parking. although, I do feel that with everything going on, the irritability level is at an all time high and EVERYTHING seems to become an issue.
@Mrs. Gremmlin: Sadly, Ive thought of divorce because I dont want to be miserable and it’s an easy way out. It seems things shouldnt be so difficult. My husband is 100% against divorce and thinks you should work it out. I agree to a certain extent. If it cant be resolved, divorce might be a necessary option. Putting anger aside, I know that we should try to work things out with the help of a professional counselor.
Post # 13
@sunset927: My husband and I were in a very very similar situation. We started counseling after about 6 months because I was at the same point- thinking divorce (which was never an “option” in my brain before we got married) and wondering if I could live that way forever.
We began counseling- I went alone a couple times first (as I had a few things of my own to work out) and then we started to go together. I was more “gung-ho” than he was about the whole thing, but he did go willingly. I can absolutely tell you, it was THE best thing for us. I walked in to my first appointment (alone) and told the counselor that I felt like an absolute failure being there 6 months after getting married. She told me the same thing other bees are saying- the first year is the hardest and more people should be going to counseling that early… instead, too many often wait until things get so bad and they are almost beyond repair.
Things between DH and I aren’t perfect now (no such thing!) but our counselor did equip us with the right “tools” we needed in order to communicate much better (and we thought we were communicating just fine!) We still have an argument here and there (minor) but nothing like we used to. We understand each other a lot better now and have much more patience with each other.
It can be hard to drop your pride and go see someone this early in the marriage- but I definitely, definitely recommend it 🙂
Post # 14
@sunset927: Honey, marriages take work and never stop needing work. I’d be lying if I said my marriage was perfect. Everyone would. Everyone argues or get’s upset. It’s a natual human reaction. You are dealing with a lot of stress, and I think it is causing the both of you to drift apart. This is about “we are only 6 months into marriage.” It doesn’t matter. If you love him and want to be with him and want things the way they were before then marriage counseling is not a stupid idea, and I support it.
When we took premartial counseling she asked us if we were at that point where our marriage sucked, what would be do to try to improve it or would we result to divorce right away? We both said counseling would come first. We haven’t come to that point, but there is no shame or embarrassment in coming to it. It just means that you are willing to accept help to understand each other.
I think this relationship can be saved, and I hope you both work hard to do that. Good luck.
Post # 15
@sunset927: I’m so sorry you’re going through so much right now. I definitely think counseling is a great idea for you as a couple but also for you as an individual. It’s worth a shot. Also, given everything you’re going through, maybe getting off your medication right now isn’t the best timing. Maybe you could wait until everything is a bit more stable? Just a suggestion. I don’t know if you’re actively TTC right now but you did mention pregnancy as a reason for getting off the meds, but even that might be best left until things are more stable with your relationship.
Best of luck to you.
Post # 16
Although you’ve only been married for 6 months… you are experiencing a very BIG change in your life… This might be something that can affect other areas in your life. I would recommend counseling… even if it’s only for you because it’s already stressful enough to get used to married life.. and then to add work, family, etc. issues…