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I was recently married on December 3rd, and another thread had me thinking... is marriage just a piece of paper? Or does it change your relationship?
I think fundamentally it changes your relationship--it may not change the way you feel about each other--but for the most part, if it didn't take your relationship to the next level, I don't think we would have the need for marriage certificates.
For the simple fact that you can't just break up and walk away without a fight, a marriage license, to me, is a pretty big freaking deal!!
I kind of wish more people thought that marriage and certificates were a big, big deal, and that your relationship is changed to a heightened committment. Unfortunately so many do not see it that way and we wonder why our divorce rate is so high. If the piece of paper wasn't a big deal in the first place, then why would you have any qualms about a divorce?
My husband and I were talking about how relieved we were to be married, to have the official-ness and grateful our search for a partner in life was over.
I thought it was an interesting topic! Any other thoughts or opinions? Did you feel different after your wedding day?
@deetroitwhat: Agree with you about the fighting thing. Marriage motivated me to really work on changing some bad habits of mine in a way that previous relationships didn't.
I do feel different in some respects. We lived together for over two years before getting married, so the day to dayness of it is pretty much the same. However, I think we have a larger committment to each other and to the relationship. When we disagree, there's a lot more at stake and you can't just walk away.
Agreed. I think our day to day life is pretty much exactly the same. I feel 99% the same as I did the day, week, year before we got married. The 1% that's changed is that I feel much more protective like "Don't mess with my husband!!!" and if I feel like someone isn't treating him nicely or has done something wrong, I get really offended on his behalf and want to go tell the person off! LOL! Maybe it's more of a sense of "family" if you want to call it that?
On the other hand, I think DH feels different. I noticed that the closer we got to the wedding, and since the wedding, he's been uber lovey and just the way he looks at me is different. I don't know how to explain it. It's a nice thing though :)
And I totally agree, when we argue (which isn't often), I know we're going to work through it and learn from it. There's no walking away!
@deetroitwhat: my first thought when we got married (note, we're legally married, but intending to do a religious ceremony in 7 months, so we're kind of half married) i thought nothing was different. after a week i thought everything was the same, but the background music (if you will) to my life was suddenly much better.
and now, with the whole sharing money thing, it's way stressful.
i've gotten advice from many couples who've been married 20+ years and they say the first year is the honeymoon, but it's also the hardest. suddenly you have a lot more to work on, and you wonder what you've gotten yourself into. (even when they'd been living together!).
fundamentally it's different. but the difference is so slight, it's disconcerting. is it better? is it worse? is it the same? ahhh! I DON'T KNOW. lol.
it's only been a few weeks for us, though. but we're very happy that we 're married. :)
We felt that relief as well as the sense of protectiveness Bakerella described. It trips me out to see DH wearing a wedding ring or to think that we're finally really married, but I don't think marriage itself changes the nature of a relationship. We're more lovey dovey and I do feel a little more secure--that there's no backing out or walking away and that we'll figure things out together, as a team, instead of just calling it quits (not that we would have done that before, though).
We just got married December 1st, and it hasn't made a big difference in our relationship. However, there is somewhat a bit of difference that neither of us can quite put our fingers on. When we went out together for the first time on Saturday (I've been fighting a cold, so I've been staying home), we agreed there was something that felt different, something that we really liked.
@bakerella: I have noticed that about my husband too. He texts me like "I love you my beautiful wife" and stuff like that. Is it not just the sweetest thing??
@ellabee: We had joint bank accounts before we were married. Heck I even changed him to my beneficiary before we were married (not too long before). I understand what your friends are saying - hear that a lot. Soooo wondering what this year has in store for us!!
DH and I lived together for 8 years and had 3 kids before getting married. A piece of paper and two words in front of a JoP did not change anything in our relationship. Marriage didn't take our relationship to a more meaningful or higher level. For all intents and purposes, our lifestyle was like a marriage. The commitment was there, the love was there. All that was missing was the certificate and the two words.
As for bringing our relationship to a "higher level" or make it more meaningful, our kids did that. We were committed to each other and our kids long before receiving a certificate that said we were legally wed. We had that level and that commitment before marriage.
We felt no different after our wedding than we did before our wedding. The only thing that changed was that I got to use my DH's last name legally.
Marriage didn’t change anything in our relationship. There *is* sometimes a fluttery feeling I get when I think about being married (a happy feeling), but neither my husband or I feel like anything at all has changed in our relationship or our day to day lives.
The reason for the certificate isn’t to “take our relationship to the next level”, it’s to benefit from the legal advantages/protections of marriage. Simply: we wouldn’t have the same legal benefits without a marriage certificate, but we would have the same relationship and emotional benefits without one. Neither of us were going to just walk away after a fight (actually, we’ve never really had a fight). We were ready to be together forever before we signed the legal contract and lived our lives that way.
Since getting married, my co-worker (I’m not sure how long he has been married) my cousin (married for 9 years) and my dad (married for 40 years this coming April) have all asked how married life is. When I’ve answered “exactly the same it was before” and laughed, ALL have said the same, exact thing verbatim “then you know you got married for the right reasons”.
Also, people can, and do, just break up and walk away from marriages every single day.
Marriage ABSOLUTELY changed my relationship! :)
We didn't live together before marriage, so living together and learning more about the good, the bad, and the in-between of it all was definitely new to us. We made the commitment to love each other no matter what before we learned all each other's faults, and I think that was the right way to go about it.
We also (for both religious and personal reasons) were virgins up until our wedding night. That, for us, was a HUGE deal.
It's definitely inspired us to change a for the better and put each other first and foremost.
So, yes, marriage is a big deal. It changed us. I don't want to start a big thing here, but marriage truly is the most basic unit of our society. You are tied together for better or for worse- and it's not something you can just walk away from. At least it shouldn't be.
And, on a sidenote... is it not incredibly sexy to see your man wearing a wedding ring? ;)
@Mrs Grape:LOL we totally do wedding ring fist bumps. :) We are way more protective now. It's very cute.
@BanditGirl: Thanks for that perspective. You weren't even just a teensy bit excited/emotional during the ceremony?
@symphony: I think having legal benefits to another person is a level in itself, no?
@deetroitwhat::) cute! He totally calls me beautiful wife, etc, all the time. It's so WEIRD. But a good kind of weird.
Good luck. That's cool that your money was already together. That might make it a little easier, but it's still different.
@BanditGirl:But isn't the name change the weirdest thing? I feel like I'm lying whenever I sign my name!
@gabrielleelise1981: When I’ve answered “exactly the same it was before” and laughed, ALL have said the same, exact thing verbatim “then you know you got married for the right reasons”. So CUTE!
Im so glad that i stumbled upon this thread! Im getting married in April, and my co workers have scared the sh*t out of me saying that everything is going to change once we get married, and my FI is going to think that he has control over me since we singed that piece of paper. (Let me add that one of them is 19 and got married bc she was knocked up, and the other one has been married 3 time!) I never knew what would really change our relationship..we live together, we have joint bank accounts, we have a house, and we NEVER fight. I dont see how a piece of paper can change everything! So i am sooo glad that i read this, and all of yalls marriages have gotten better! Now i cant wait!!! 4 months and counting 
@Miss.Lace: Awww that's so sweet! Haha my husband has pointed to his wedding ring and said "Respect the ring" (OF COURSE HE WAS KIDDING!) and I absolutely die laughing.
It truly is just the matter of signing a piece of paper, but I felt a lot different INSIDE--happy, excited. Like Christmas morning as a kid!
@deetroitwhat: One of my biggest pet peeves is when people dismiss marriage as "just a piece of paper."
The piece of paper isn't important but what it represents, is. And what it represents isn't insignificant - sacred vows taken before God (if you're religeous), a real commitment to one another, legal rights and benefits, legal and social recognition of your union, etc. Plus, there's something to be said about taking those vows before your friends and family and publicly declaring yourselves to one another.
I think you try harder when you're married (or at any rate, you should!) and you're more of a team instead of just two individuals.
Our relationship changed and evolved as we moved from dating to engaged to married.
@lisa105: Yeah, I definitely understand you. I think you can live by the vows before you make them, but the legality of everything makes it heavier I guess. Especially when/if I have children, I would want to be married with the same last name as them.
It's hard for me to understand the concept that absolutely nothing changes.
I didn't think anything would change when we got married, but it did. Day to day, it's the same, as many PPs already wrote. But in a larger sense, it feels different. I was already committed, but the commitment is deeper. (FWIW, we did live together and have joint accounts before we married. If we hadn't, I suppose the change would have been more pronounced.)
We, too, lived together for a year before getting married, so the daily facts of life are the same. He still leaves every cabinet door in the house open, and I'm still disorganized and ADD. He still trudges down into our dungeon of a basement to do the laundry, so that I don't have to, and I rub his back when he gets home from work. That said, it feels.... sweeter. The little things we do for eachother seem to have a little more of an impact, but it's two-sided. For one, it's like "This is my husband doing these things! Holy crap, I have a husband! He's wearing a ring! WOOHOO!" Second - it's sweeter because these things haven't changed. We're still the same goofy, lovestruck couple that we have been for the last 2.5 years, but now it's for keeps, and it just feels a little different. I dig it! :)
@deetroitwhat: OK - here's how it went down. One day, DH said "Let's do this already", grabbed me and our birth certificates and headed for City Hall. On the way to get our license, DH called the JoP and I called our families. I was too stunned to be excited or emotional.
We picked the kids up from school, put them in their nice clothes and headed out to meet the JoP. Stopped at the supermarket to get a tussy mussy. I literally flew in the store, grabbed one and left. Took me all of 5 mins. There was no time to get excited. I was in too much of a hurry to get the kids ready and out the door so we wouldn't be late to even think "I'm getting married".
We all arrived to the site (a park) and we got out of the cars, walked up en masse to the JOP. He asked for the license and basically said "We're here to join _____ & ______ in marriage. Do you take her. Do you take him. By the power vested in me I now pronounce you husband and wife." and it was over. No time to get emotional. I didn't cry, neither did he. In our minds and hearts, we had been married for years. This was just a formality for government purposes.
Things happened too quickly to get emotional or excited. There was no walk down the aisle with my Dad to pretty music. It wasn't like I got to watch my wedding plans come to life. And, I'm totally ok with that! After 3 kids, that kind of wedding would've been ridiculous.
I got more emotional over the birth of our kids than our wedding. To me, they were a bigger accomplishment than saying I do and being handed a license.
@ellabee: The name change wasn't too weird. I've been writing his name for so long on different things for our kids (school forms, doctor forms, extracurricular activity forms, etc.). And, I've been called "Mrs. DH's Last Name" for so many years by people who assume that, because we had 3 kids, DH and I were married.
However, what is weird is signing my new last name!!!!
Marriage changed our whole foundation. What was once more like wood is now steel. Nothing will get through and nothing will break us. (hopefully!) We were together 4 years and have 1 child before we got married. Although day to day life and everything else for the most part stayed the same, I still cannot help but to feel more connected to my husband. Its a feeling like you never have to wonder what will happen if or when we break up or wondering if I do something incredibly stupid (like trip and fall on my face type thing! Or have lipstick on my teeth) will he think I'm a total wacko and break up with me? lol
I feel SOO secure now. Not that I didn't before but for us getting married was the biggest promise we will ever make to eachother, and if that didn't mean a thing, then I would think theres something wrong in the first place.
@lisa105: The piece of paper isn't important but what it represents, is. And what it represents isn't insignificant - sacred vows taken before God (if you're religeous), a real commitment to one another, legal rights and benefits, legal and social recognition of your union, etc. Plus, there's something to be said about taking those vows before your friends and family and publicly declaring yourselves to one another.
You wrote that the piece of paper represents a real commitment to one another. Do you mean to tell me that, without that piece of paper, I didn't have a reall commitment to the man I had three kids with before hitting the altar? And that he was not committed to me? That is a huge insult!!!! I have never met a more committed man than my husband was to me and the kids prior to marriage. If we didn't have a commitment, we wouldn't have had more kids.
Nobody needs a document to show commitment. You do that in your words and actions. My DH and I had been committed to each other for 8 years before we walked down that aisle. Our children made our commitment even stronger and that was before we had a piece of paper saying that I could legally use his last name as mine.
@BanditGirl: I have to agree with you on the thing you said about the birth of your kids being more emotional. Even though I did the big wedding and wore the dress, I didn't shed a tear my wedding day. Not that I didn't feel over the moon but I remember holding my baby for the first time in a gernie and balling my eyes out. Its the relationship that makes the marriage great. Not the other way around.
@sassy411: a tussy mussy is a small bouquet. Not even a bouquet by traditional sense. It's usually 5 flowers, with stems cut short, and tied with a ribbon. No extra greens or babys breath or anything fancy.
@teaadntoast: it was definitely the most efficient wedding ever! That's my DH. Very efficient in all he does!
@BanditGirl: I do think that a marriage signifies a deeper commitment to each other than any other act in the world. That is the main reason I want to get married. Not for legal reasons or insurance benifits or anything else.
@MissTatas: Have a man stay with you through 3 kids, never cheating on you, always helping take care of and raise the kids, and providing for all of you for 8 years without benefit of marriage. Now THAT is deep commitment.
@ellabee: Haha, we do the ring fist bump too!!!
Our relationship feels the same, the biggest difference to me is how we refer to each other or introduce each other to people. I referred to him as "my husband" yesterday and it was so weird to hear those words coming out of my mouth! It was hard enough to get used to saying "fiance." I don't know how to explain it, it's just so surreal!
We had been living together before but combined our finances once we got married, so that has been a change. Like some others have said, we are also more lovey dovey -- I think that comes from being so secure in the relationship. I also feel like we are more of a team now. Before we would help the other person with something, but it was still their thing - now most everything that comes up is ours to deal with and that feels good. I also think we don't need to come to a resolution every time we bicker about something and we are ok with that now. We sometimes just sulk for a bit and then start laughing and make up since we know we are stuck with each other. Our families also include the other person more in bigger decisions. All in all, it's been great so far!
DH also knows how much $$ I spent on clothes and stuff. That's been an adjustment!
Marriage changed everything for me. It gave me a sense of peace that I'd never known before. There is something about making a solemn committment in front of the people you love thatr eally cemented the whole relationship for me.
I also think that we don't have enough celebration/ceremony in our lives and it is important to mark major milestones with some sort of ritual. This is one of the reasons I'm so interested in getting our daughter christened in our faith.
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