Post # 1
We’ve been married for almost a year. We weren’t sure about what area to buy our first home in, so we decided to move in with my parents for time time being. Well, it’s been over a year that we’ve been living with my parents, our house is currently still being built… but now our marriage is really starting to get affected.
My husband has been really rude and verbally abusive to me lately. He yells and swears at me, while my family is just in the next room, listening to everything. He has cancelled our 1 year anniversary trip to Italy. He has also told me that I’m a negative and horrible person. And I think he meant it.
We are both under a lot of stress with our jobs, and then we come home and there’s little to no privacy. The smallest things set me off, and obviously small things set him off too. He has said things like “You’re not the person I married, the person I married changed after the wedding” he has also threatened to tell my family off. And right now he is talking about dividing our assets and separating.
I know he is probably just angry and he doesn’t mean any of these things… but they are still very hurtful, and I don’t know if we can bounce back from this. His anger is really out of control, uncivilized, and just disrespectful. For me, the key ingredients to make a marriage work is the presence of God and Respect. I have been praying dilligently about my situation, and crying in the bathroom at work. I asked him if he wanted to go to counselling with me and he refused.
He also sends me emails at work, talking about the division of our assets, separating, and how much he is sick of my family. I try to yield and just be respectful and neutral, but this makes him step on me even more. I’m so lost. I just need some words of wisdom, or comfort… anything. Did I marry the wrong person? We’ve been together for 10 years. How could I only feel this way now?
Post # 3
Wow. I am SO sorry you are going through this. Is getting some outside help an option (Pastor, Therapist)? I will be thinking of you.
Post # 4
Frist i’m sorry you have to go through this. It definitely seems like there are some underlying issues with him? Is there anything else going on? I would maybe look into going to a counselor by yourself? It may help you figure things out….
Post # 5
My hubby and I have been together for 11 years and this type of conversation had never come up. We own our own home together and have for almost 10 years and we also have other joint assets.
In your situation, it seems that the stress of your jobs and the stress of living in such close quarters with your family has finally taken a toll on the both of you.
I highly suggest that you two take a weekend/week break together and get away from all of these stressors, so you can try to get back to the way things should be.
I also highly suggest moving out of your families home, even if it is to a studio type apartment. Having no privacy is not healthy for any marriage.
Post # 6
First, ((HUGS)). Sorry you are going through this. Knowing nothing other than what you posted, and if he has never exhibited this type of behavior before, I would hope that’s he just under a lot of stress, coupled with having no privacy and living with your parents. It’s not right what he is doing, but it may not be what he really feels. How long will it be before your house is built? Does he have somewhere else he can stay until then?
Maybe him getting out of the house for the time being will give him a chance to cool down, realize what he has done, and tell you he was a total ass for being that way.
Post # 7
I agree with the previous posters. I think him living with your family and not having privacy as newlyweds is probably taking a toll on him and bringing out the worst in him. DH and I were doing work on the house we bought right after the wedding so before we could move in together we stayed with my parents for a while, and then with his for a couple weeks. That was a VERY stressful period, and things got a whole lot better once we moved into our own place. Does he have friend or family member he can stay with for a while to take a break from the situation? If he won’t agree to go to counseling maybe a little space would help. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Best of luck!
Post # 8
Get some counseling on your own. Right away. That will help you evaluate the situation from a calmer, more objective place, and give you strategies for responding to your husband’s emotional abuse.
Post # 9
thanks so much, ladies
@noritake22: he doesn’t want to go on any vacation with me, he even cancelled our 1 year anniversary trip to Italy. I don’t know if it was just to spite me or what. He also doesn’t want to go to counselling. I feel terrible that now his relationship with my family has been ruined, because of his behavior. This is just such a bad situation, and I’m at a dark place in my life right now. My worst fear is that he will want to divorce me, considering that he’s already talking about division of our assets. I am so hurt and don’t know what to do.
Post # 10
I am SO sorry you are dealing with this.
Please understand that I am simply going off of what you wrote when I say, the way he is treating you is NOT right. We’ve been married almost a year with many a speed bump. Never once have I belittled my husband with words and never has he, either.
If this were happening to me and we weren’t yet married, it would be a serious deal breaker. However, you have said your vows which does make things different in the sense that you can’t just “break up with him”. What I would do? Tell him flat out: “If you ever speak to me that way again, I will leave you”. It sounds like he’s using you as his personal punching bag because life is frustrating him. But remember “through thick and thin”. Is this how he will always act through “thick”?
If, after I told him to never speak that way to me again and he continued to do so, I would start seriously thinking about dissolving my marriage. I’m sure he wasn’t like this before and accusing you of changing is exactly what happened with him. He changed into someone who would tell his love he’s ready to divide assets? Sending my prayers to you 🙁
Post # 11
Get out of your parents house NOW. I agree with the others saying that what you need is space. Your own, or to give him his away from the situation. Ask him to stay with friend for a few days, a week, what have you to get some perspective and some breathing room. Be clear about what the time is for. And definitely consider getting counseling for yourself.
Post # 12
Also, I thought I was going to open this thread and you were going to tell us you were frustrated that your husband leaves his clothes on the floor.
It dosen’t bother him that your family now knows that your husband is treating you so poorly? My family would be livid and I would be embarrased.
In my eyes, he has a lot of apologizing to do. Please stand up for yourself?
Post # 13
I can imagine the stress is getting to both of you, but what he is saying and doing is not right. I would look at counseling for yourself so that you can work through your thoughts and to come up with some boundaries. I’m so sorry.
Post # 14
I know that others have suggested counseling which needs to be visited but right now, its best to move out of your parents house. I know it was originally a great idea to help save $$$$ but not having privacy as well as the stresses of every day life has sent him over the edge. I’m not excusing his behaviour cause no one deserves to be disrespected, but some ppl have to have their privacy. Once you have moved into your own place, have a serious convo about ground rules while fighting. I know we have both had to sleep on the couch a couple of times because of heated words but when we both cooled down, it was All Good.
Sending up a prayer of you both.
Post # 15
I have a question; your husband said that you’ve changed and that “you’re not the person he married”. Other than living with your parents, what else has happened to cause him to think that you’ve changed, or is he totally unfounded? You don’t really address it in your post what has changed about YOU or your relationship, not just your living situation.
After DH and I got married, he had to move back to Canada and live with his parents for 10 months while we waited for his green card. We only saw eachother on weekends when I went to visit him. It was FAR less than ideal. Thin walls, uncomfortable bed, no cable/internet, parents who NEVER left the house, but we made the best of it, and now we just look back at that time and laugh. If it’s just a temporary situation and there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, I don’t really understand how it can be so overwhelming.
Post # 16
Marriage is difficult at times. I think living in your parent’s house is probably very trying on you both. You need to see what can be done about moving out ASAP. That being said, yelling and screaming at you and belitting you is unacceptable and you need to stand up for yourself. Do NOT let him continue to treat you this way. Let him know that you appreciate the stress he is under but you are BOTH under stress. And treating you this way will not be tolerated. As you said, respect is one of those key things in a marriage and being verbally abusive is NOT respecting the other person.
I’m just curious why he has such anger towards your family. Do you happen to know why this is? I know I have a difficult mother and DH has a difficult sister and this can put strain on the relationship. I’m also without a job right now so money is tight. However, DH and I are always respectful of one another and are in counseling right now to try and communicate better and deal with these issues together.
I can see where all this talk of divorce would be upsetting to you. Remind your husband that all marriages have bumps in the road and the test of a marriage is how you get through them together. If you feel strongly about wanting some counseling and he’s opposed, you can always go by yourself. I’ve done it and it’s always helped me immensely.
Edit: You may want to set rules about fighting fair. For example: no swearing, yelling, or tearing the person down. And no threatening divorce in the heat of the moment.