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I have been with my husband for 9 years. We are high school sweethearts, in fact. We just got married last September... but our marriage has been very lukewarm and unhappy since the wedding night.
Basically, his sister made an unscheduled speech without asking us for permission, and in her speech she aired out some very private and embarassing information about me. I felt violated, disrespected and humiliated, but I didn't react on the wedding night because I didn't want it to become an even uglier scandal than it already was. I have avoided my sister-in-law since the wedding night, my justification for this was that I just wanted to focus on positive things, and being around her made me feel negative emotions. My husband has trivialized my feelings and this past weekend he finally got fed up and exploded on me, asking me to "just be the bigger person and forgiver her."
We had the fight this weekend and we've apologized and made ammends, but I am no longer sure if this is what I want for the rest of my life. Throughout the nine years that we've been together he has always put me first ahead of his family. But now, after the incident at the wedding it's like he has changed. He is acting neutral and nonchalant, like he doesn't want to defend me. He has also been making jokes about divorce, which I thought was insensitive considering the current situation.
I never expected our marriage to be perfect or filled with rainbows and butterflies. But I expected our level of respect for each other to remain the same. I no longer feel loved or cherished.
For all the married bees... do you have advice on how I can try to fix this situation? Or should we get our marriage annulled? Please help, I want to save my marriage.
Is he open to going to counseling? Maybe you need someone else to help the two of you discuss what's going on. Maybe there's something bigger with him that he doesn't know how to bring up. Maybe you aren't effectively telling him what you need.
I think bringing in a professional might help. See if he's open to couples counseling.
Also, was your husband aware of this "dirty laundry" she aired before her speech? Could he be reacting to some part of the information divulged that he never knew about?
I'm sorry you are going through this so early in your marriage, but if you want to save it, I think counseling might be a good course of action.
not married yet, but i second the counseling. I am a huge advocate for counseling, couples and individual. i go often, even when things arent bugging me. My sister and her BF (they have a kid togehter) go and i have seen huge changed in their relationship. she would go alone and then he would go alone and then they would go together. its seems to help them because rather than holding back emotions or going at each other you have someone there to mediate. Good Luck and dont give up on your marriage, fight for it as long as you can until you absoluely think there is nothing else to do.
I second counseling. It sounds like he isn't open to real communication on this subject, which is not good. You need to feel like you can both be completely open, always. A neutral third party could help you guys open the curtain on what's going on.
He should be choosing you over his family, and he should also not be belittling your feelings.Being angry at someone for feeling hurt is a pretty useless emotion. He should know better!
I'm sorry your SIL created a scene at your wedding. That's truly awful. Have you spoken to her about it? I really don't think you should walk away from your marriage because of one fight. It may have been a bad fight, but everyone has ups and downs in their relationships right? It sounds like you and DH need to sit down and talk about how you feel when he says certain things and his attitude in general as of late. You never know what may be going on with him that he hasn't told you about. Maybe he's getting some kind of pressure from his family, stress at work, etc that he's been trying to protect you from.
I think a good honest conversation is in order. I find it's really helpful to say things like "I feel like...." rather than "you said....". Try to avoid starting sentences with "you" because it feels accusatory, try to explain things from your point of view and start with "I".
I agree that counseling is in order, I think. If he won't go, maybe you could go alone? I'm so sorry that happened to you and I just want to reach into the screen and hug you right now! 
Did any of this innaproppriate information she brought up come as a surprise to your husband? If so, he may really need to learn how to deal with the information as well, so I thin counseling for just him may help, too. I hope things work out for you. It's good that you want to try to save your marriage and get back to the place you were before in your relationship. Good luck.
Yeah, it kind of depends on what exactly she "aired," if he had known about it ahead of time and how involved he is in it.
I also agree that counseling is the best way to go. You bottled up your feelings for a full year, and it may be part of the reason why he's pushing them to the side now. Clearly what his sister did is eating away at you, and I think that he needs to hear that. I think that getting that out through a counselor will help. It will be a neutral party that will make your feelings valid, and he will help your husband see that they are. Then, you might be able to move past the situation and even forgive your sister-in-law someday.
I also agree with luckyprincess that maybe some of the information that your SIL brought up was news to your husband, and he needs his own way to deal with that.
I know that marriage isn't always rainbows and butterflies too, but it definitely shouldn't be unhappy all of the time. And what your SIL did shouldn't be ruining your marriage. Definitely seek counseling and see if that helps first.
Well, we haven't had to deal with this type of issue (yet), but I would recommend that you maybe try to put yourself in his shoes here. It sounds awful what your SIL did, but holding onto that kind of resentment and anger is never a good idea, especially if she actually deserves to be forgiven. It's hard to imagine what kind of position that puts him in. Maybe he can give you some insight as to why you might want to forgive her and put it behind you. Don't let it become a battle of wills, remember that there are no 'winners' in a marriage fight.
And if you aren't able to talk it out on your own and respect each others point of view, I recommend counseling. Sometimes you just need that outside unbiased buffer in order to work things out fairly. It's nothing to be ashamed about, it's an investment in your relationship.
Good luck!
Did she air these things in an attempt to be mean? Why would she make such a speech?
The fact that he wants you to forgive and forget makes me wonder if he understands that you felt violated, disrespected and humiliated? Esp if you were able to push it aside on your wedding day.
While I don't want to ask what was said, I suspect that YOU felt it was humiliating, but others didn't see it that way? If so that could be why he isn't being his usual supportive self.
What did the sister say? I understand its personal & you may not want to share specifics with us, but did her speech include things that your husband didn't know about you that he should have known?
Marriage does take adjusting to, so it may just be that, but I would also recommend going to a counselor. Its nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about, but they can help drastically.
Tell him that the jokes about divorce hurt you & he may not mean anything by them, but it still does hurt. Have you asked him about how he's acting? He may just be overwhelmed, other things may be going on. His family may be having issues because of the speech, or it may be not-wedding related.
I'm not sure I understand...what happened after she made said speach? Do you and your husband still have contact with this person? And, what exactly do you want your husband to do to rectifiy the situation?
I'm sorry she ruined the wedding for you...I don't get why people need to do things like that.
Thank you for your support everyone
@KatNYC2011: He is not open to counselling right now. He said that we are "fine" and that I'm making a big deal out of nothing.
@bakerella: I haven't spoken to my sister-in-law since the incident because I don't know what to say to her.
@luckyprincess: Thank you for your kind words! This was her speech:
I was shocked when Anthony announced that he was going to marry Giselle. It made me happy because I was gaining a new sister. But at the same time, I wondered why he wanted to marry her after living with her for so long. Why now? Well, he told me that she gave him an ultimatum. You see, Giselle is quite insecure and jealous that all her friends were getting married. So she felt that she had to get in on the action as well. So she told Anthony marry me or we're breaking up. Well, if that's not arm-twisting, I don't know what that's called. Ha ha ha, it's such a funny story! If I had known that ultimatums worked, I would have given my boyfriend an ultimatum a long time ago! Ha ha ha! My brother is such a sweet and goodhearted person, so he married Giselle out of his honor and integrity. He really is a wonderful human being.
She did this because she has never liked me from the beginning. She has always bullied me and made jokes at my expense in front of everyone. She wanted to have some attention at my own wedding, and this was her method of gaining some. She is a selfish and inconsiderate person. I am not saying I will never forgive her, perhaps in the future I can put it behind me, but I just can't face her right now. I am not ready to deal with the hurt.
This was one day in my life that I slaved for and can never repeat again. I wanted it to be memorable. But not in a heartbreaking way.
That is downright mean and cruel. I don't blame you for being upset with her and avoiding her. I think a big time heart to heart is in order with your husband. I think you could set aside some time to discuss your feelings with him and where you are coming from. I think bringing up the counseling again is a good idea. He should understand how hurtful her words were.
@redbullfanatic: This person is my husband's younger sister. We will have contact with her for the rest of our lives.
FI and I have gone through this as well. We sat down, had a few drinks, talked things out, which led to other things. We've become so much closer, we haven't fought in a long time, he's supporting me again, and things are great. I suggest you two go to counselling or at least take a night to turn off the tv, computer, and phones and talk about it.
WTF - oh now I REALLY want to reach thru this screen and hug you! That is a terrible thing to do to anyone. For you to have handled that with grace during your day and deal with it is an amazing thing and really speaks for your patience. I don't know how you are supposed to forgive that? Maybe he was mortified too but has just decided to swallow it and pretend it didn't happen. That isn't healthy and he really should get some counseling.
I think you should go by yourself for now to at least get the validation that I think you need and deserve here. I think it was inexcusable what she did and I think it would take a lot of work to forgive that. As well, I think not having your hubby stand up to it now and the fact that he is dealing with it in a different way than you is problematic. With counseling, at least just for you, I think you'll be able to save your marriage. Maybe if he sees counseling helping you he will be more apt to do couples therapy?
Good luck - I wish I could help
OK I am sure many will not agree, but I think that the speach (not having heard the tone of her voice etc) could easily be construed as a misguided and inappropriate joke. She may or may not have meant it out of viciousness, but I do think its time to let it go.
I would be upset about it to, but at some point this is one of those things you do have to be the bigger person. Tell her that you still find what she said inappropriate and upsetting, but that you want to move beyond it and have a good relationship (even if that means civil, but not best friends)
I have heard worse things said from sisters that thought they were making jokes, but it came off wrong.
@Orange_Echo: That is terrible and she never should have said something like that at your wedding. But I have to ask, is any of it true?
Did you give him an ultimatum? Could he be reacting to that? I'm in no way saying your "forced" him to marry you, I'm just wondering if this brought up some old emotions for him.
I think at the very least YOU should go to counseling just to discuss this with someone and really hash out all your feelings. If your hubby sees a positive change in you based on your therapy maybe he'll be more open.
What was everyone's reaction at the time she gave the speech? Did your hubby say anything to you? To her? Did anyone stand up for you?
Woah. That's pretty out of line there. Jeez, she sounds like a treasure. Do you think DH is acting this way because he's embarrassed by her? Because if one of my siblings said something like that I would be pretty shame faced about the whole thing. Does DH really and truly understand how much her hurtful words impacted you? I think guys are able to blow off stuff like this so much easier than girls, they don't understand how we take these things in and dwell on them.
I know it's hard to not think about, but this was 30 seconds of your wedding day. Thirty awful seconds, I know, but I'm sure that the other tens of thousands of seconds were wonderful and joyful. Try to let those happy parts overcome the parts that make you so upset. Clearly she's not a happy person, don't let her win and ruin it all for you. I would also take secret pleasure in knowing that every single other guest there now knows what a terrible mean spirited person she is, there's power in numbers ;)
That is awful :(. I'm sorry that happened to you!! I don't see why it made him distant, maybe he's getting slack from his fam over this, maybe he's really mad at his sister & doesn't know how to deal? Idk, that is completely innappropriate of her! She was probably just really jealous over you since her bf didn't propose.
I wouldn't know what to say to her, either. I would also try to avoid her if she's so mean to you, however you can only avoid for so long. I'm sure ONE DAY it won't hurt quite so bad & maybe you guys can have some type of friendship. If you do have to see her, show her how confident you are. I think you should talk to your husband about the specific things that have changed. He may not even realize what he's doing (or not doing).
For you to be considering an annullment, I'm assuming its something really drastic that's happened. You could go to a counselor yourself.
@luckyprincess: Thank you, I think I will take your advice and see someone so I can talk about how violated I feel.
@lefeymw: My husband said the exact same thing as you did. He said that it is just a joke and I should try to be the bigger person. I am trying my best to be civil and respectful, thus I have not confronted her or told her off the way many of my friends have advised me to do so. I am also trying to focus on the happier aspects of my wedding. But I am only human and I can't let go of this hurt overnight. Mrs. Dew Drop posted something about a terrible incident that happened at her wedding, and she mentioned that after six months she still wasn't over it. I truly want to get over this as I know it might sound childish and petty to some people, but I need some time. I can't just be the "bigger person" right now and "let go" in the snap of a finger.
@KatNYC2011: I hate to say it... but yes, I did give him an ultimatum. But it wasn't as bad as she made it sound and I don't think he's upset about it. He thinks it was all a joke and I shouldn't be upset for this long. But I am mad because I didn't get any sense of retribution from it all. She basically got away with what she did. My best friend wanted to yank the microphone from her and retaliate by airing out some of my SIL's own relationship problems, but I told her to just remain civil and let's all act normal, I didn't want there to be a dramatic scandal at my wedding. I just wanted to salvage the rest of the night. The rest of the family members (their side) shook their head in disapproval. They all came forward to me quietly and apologized for her behavior and said that she is just an immature child and I should forget about her. I have tried my best, but I can't even watch my wedding video of the reception without feeling upset at her speech.
@bakerella: Thank you so much! Everything you said just made me feel better. There were happy moments during my wedding and I will continue trying my best to heal and concentrate on those.
@serabell: Thank you. It made him distant because he said he can't figure out why I'm so grudgeful and won't let this go. He said that he didn't know just how much I held grudges against people. He doesn't understand how hurt I felt. He thinks his sister's speech is a harmless joke from an immature child (although, she's not a child, she's 26.) His whole family always lets her get away with everything!
@Orange_Echo: Ok. I think conseling for yourself would be good. Just to help work through these feelings.
The fact that everyone came up to you privately speaks volumes of the fact that they don't approve of her actions.
I can completely understand how you feel about her "getting away scott free" but there may not be anything you can do. What she did was terrible and completely uncalled for and inappropriate.
Look at it this way, what she did made HER look terrible and childish while you came off as the bigger person already. You did not stoop to her level and by doing what you did you gave her statment less merit and less gravity.
Think about where you are now and be thankful. You are married to your highschool sweetheart & love of your life. You have family & friends that love you. AND you didn't make a total a$$ of yourself at a wedding.
*big hugs* for you
Edited to add - the fact that she "always gets away with everything" probably means they just don't know how to handle her or really don't want to put out the effort to do so.
If I was one of your guests, listening to that woman's speech, I would not think any less of you at all. Instead, I would be thinking of the SIL, "What a miserable woman that is, look at her making a fool of herself up there." In my opinion, she's the one who should be embarrassed, not you. She made herself look small and petty, and she also insulted her own brother in the process of trying to snipe at you. Shameful.
Meanwhile, you handled it with grace and dignity. Believe me, after that speech of hers, you looked like a saint.
Perhaps your husband actually pities her for humiliating herself so badly. Maybe she knows it too, and your husband doesn't think it's necessary to tell her what she already knows. She'd probably just get defensive and start trying to trash you even more, and that would make things miserable for everyone. Maybe it was embarrassing for him too, and he just doesn't want to think about it.
Maybe try bringing it up again, not from a place of anger, but from a place of compassion and see how he reacts to that.
@KatNYC2011: Thank you. You're right, I can take comfort in the fact that I wasn't the one who made myself look bitter and classless at the wedding. Still, I cringe a bit that she announced to all our loved ones that I gave him an ultimatum. I feel embarassed that that private information got out.
@jayce: Yes, my husband doesn't want to think about it anymore. He just wants to forget about the speech. I don't think I can bring it up anymore because he made me promise not to :( He said he just wants to move on with our lives and "get over it." Thank you for your kind words.
I am so sorry this happened. what she did is ABSOLUTELY uncalled for and inapproptiate. JOKE OR NOT. there are just some things you dont even joke about...I think that you have a right to be angry and not just "let it go" I think you might let it go with time eventually...but for now you have every right to be pissed. I think my mother would have tackled the bitch if someone said that about me at MY wedding.
I think counseling is the way to go also. It seems like your husband is not giving your feelings any credit at all...which is not they way it should be between husband and wife.
PS-I am 26 and there is no way in hell I would ever say anything like that.
@Orange_Echo: At this point I wouldn't be surprised if they don't remember anything other than the groom's sister made a totally tasteless and inappropriate speech and the bride showed so much class in not stooping to her level.
Also, if people do remember her mentioning an ultimatum, just the fact that she MADE such a petulant speech would probably have them to believe that either wasn't true or highly exaggerated.
Plus there are many of us in the hive (and in the world) who have given an ultimatum at one point or another. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. Th bottom line is that he would not have married you if he didn't want to. Marriage is a big decision not to be taken lightly and seeing as you were together for 9 years it does not sound like you or your hubby are taking it lightly at all.
Keep your chin up, love your hubby, and enjoy being newlyweds.
Wow.. I would have KILLED my husbands sister if she had said something like that... how horrible! You have every right to be upset still.. you are owed an apology!
My husbands sister was rude and downright bitchy at times, but she didn't in any way try to ruin my wedding!
Wow, I mean just wow. I've heard that some speeches are selfish and a little mean spirited, but I don't know how annyone could actually DO something like that! I am so sorry you had to go through that, but I'm really glad to hear that his family was on your side.
You can take comfort in the fact that someone who is capable of doing something so horrible to someone she loves (BC Really she was hurting her brother too with that speech) probably has a LOT of problems in her life, and seriously what goes around comes around. I actually feel a little sorry for her, as angry as I am to hear what she did. If I were you, I wouldn't ever be nice to her again, but I definitely wouldn't go out of my way to avoid her because she doesn't even deserve that.
I am so so sorry to hear what happened, what a horrible thing. I hope you can get past it eventually and remember your wedding as a happy day!
Wow, maybe it's just the southern girl in me, but I probably would have back handed her. I don't know who I would be more upset with, my new SIL for her lack of respect, or my husband for not sticking up for me. If she doesn't like you, that is her own problem, but your wedding is the last place to voice how she feels.
Maybe you could sit your husband down and explain to him that you cannot move past this without a good discussion about it. It is probably best to approach it from a point of being hurt and not from a position of being angry. Tell him how uncomfortable it made you feel in front of your guests on what was supposed to be a wonderful occasion. I would tell him you are willing to move on and forgive what has happened if he is willing to acknowledge why you are upset, and the very least make an effort to see why her speech was so innapropriate.
Good luck with everything. I sure hope everything gets worked out.
Honestly, if someone said that about someone I knew, I'd think the speaker was either drunk or just plain crazy. I'm sure NO ONE thought badly about you over her little "speech". Plus you said HER OWN FAMILY (now your fam too!:) appologized for her & likely were embarresed over what she said.
What works best when explaining something to my husband, is using an example or comparring it to something else (just for illustration). Its hard to think of something that could "relate" in this situation. Tell him something that he could relate to (not to hurt him & don't bring up things you've fought over before & make sure you tell him its just an example).
To your husband, he's probably used to his sister doing that. He's probably built up an "immunity" to what she does & lets it roll off his back. He's dealt with her for 26 years & I'm sure that what she said hurt him, but he just doesn't care about what she says. That doesn't mean it hurts you any less, but he probably can't see why you can't also let this go. He loves his sister, deep down, & he wants you both to get along. There are probably things that are "easy" for you to do, but hard for your husband.
I think counseling for yourself is the best idea. You can work thru your feelings (which I think are totally justified) & ask them how to communicate this to your husband so he can understand where you're coming from.
Her speech was completely insulting and disrepectful! What kind of a joke is that? I'm shocked. Its sad that ur husband doesnt want to accept that his sis is wrong. If he is telling u to take it as a joke, as him if its ok for u to publicly humiliate his family and then call it a joke. He has to put himself and ur shoes and be realistic. I really get irked when people blindly support their family even when they can see that they are in the wrong
Really I think the speech just made her and him look bad. I think it is reasonable after 9 years to say either marriage or I am leaving. So really she should be embarrassed for herself and your brother for making that speech.
Anyways, I would get over it since the speech didnt really reflect poorly on you. Just be nice to her. She obviously has some problems if she needs to be that rude or is unaware that she is that rude. If this is the only problem in your relationship it seems easy to fix. Just be nice. You dont have to be buddy buddy with her. You dont even have to forgive her. Just be nice and smile when you are in the same room with her.
Did you ask your husband why he would defend you in the past but not in this particular circumstance?
@KatNYC2011: Thank you so very much for your kind words of encouragement. My mother said the same thing. The fact that she had such a bitter tone and lack of class would probably make the guests question the credibility of her words. I am not the only person in the world who has given their boyfriend an ultimatum. And I didn't do it in a nasty way, the way my SIL implicated. I just told Anthony that if you don't want to marry me, I don't want us living together anymore because I don't want to continue this lifestyle if we are not headed down that road. So he proposed a year later after saving up for a ring and he even proposed in front of the whole family (SIL included) so they know that he was more than happy to marry me. We have been together for 9 years. But my SIL made it seem like I begged him to marry me, which was what I was hurt about. Nonetheless, you are right. He wouldn't have married me if he didn't want to, and my SIL's speech doesn't change that. I will keep my chin up. I feel so much better thanks to your comment. All the best to you and God bless!
oh my! I am so sorry she said those awful things! Did any guests speak up? I am so so sorry. I am sure your husband loves you very much but feels torn and probably just wants it to go away. Since he knows you are a better person, he is leaning on you to move on from it. but if i was you I would not be able to move on from this either. I would be so hurt that he did not speak up and say anything after that speech. I honestly think this is very serious adn you are owed an apology. as for the guests at your wedding I am sure everyone thought she was very tasteless and rude and did not take anything she said seriously. I am so sorry...I wish I could hug you! obviously you guys have to get past this so i think counseling needs to happen. What exactly does your husband say when you brought it up? is he sympathetic or is he cold about it?
I wish you and your marriage the best.
I am so sorry this happened. what she did is ABSOLUTELY uncalled for and inapproptiate. JOKE OR NOT. there are just some things you dont even joke about...I think that you have a right to be angry and not just "let it go" I think you might let it go with time eventually...but for now you have every right to be pissed. I think my mother would have tackled the bitch if someone said that about me at MY wedding.
I think counseling is the way to go also. It seems like your husband is not giving your feelings any credit at all...which is not they way it should be between husband and wife.
PS-I am 26 and there is no way in hell I would ever say anything like that.
@Orange_Echo: After 9 years a discussion like that is 100% appropriate. You had to make sure the 2 of you were on the same page. I was with FI 6 1/2 years before he proposed and we had that discussion several times and I don't really consider that an "ultimatum".
What she said reflects very poorly on her, NOT on you and your relationship. Like many others have said, in order for someone to say something like that they have to have some personal issues of their own. Maybe she's jealous her brother has found happiness and love in marriage.
Glad we could help. Your feelings are totally justified, but if your hubbys sister is immature and out of control you may have to talk with a therapist (or the bee boards) rather than him about her for the time being.
Being newly married the last thing he probably wants to deal with is family drama. Focus on the two of you and how happy you are together. And find an outlet to work through the anger/upset from the wedding.
I think at this point you just need to sit and talk to your husband about this. He may think its a joke and want you to just get over that but that is up to you.
Basically, I think you and him have to agree to disagree about forgiving her. It doesn't sound like he doesn't think its a big deal so its easy for him to think about forgiving her. You are obviously not over this yet (rightfully so) and that is fine.
However, you guys need to come to terms with being a married couple and how you will support each other. He may not agree with you still being upset, but he still needs to support you in this. I don't think its him taking "her" side but just that he's over it so he thinks you should be. Bottom line though, he should be stepping aside to help you get over it not just saying get over it.
Hopefully this is just one bump in the road in a long marriage. Honestly, there is probably going to be a lot bigger issues/arguments/discussions between you two over the years. At every bump in the road you have to learn how to work together and not give up.
Best wishes.
That is awful! Bakerella said it very well. Along the same lines, when my cousin got married, the MOH made an awful speech about the bride (his new wife). I am sure she was upset and offended, and my family sometimes talks about it whenever we are talking about bad speeches- but it is 100% in the "I can't believe what a b%^&* the MOH was," and not about his wife. I have wondered why she picked such a crappy MOH, but since it was his sister, it's different. If I had been at the wedding, I would have only thought, "OMG, the poor bride just got stuck with such a b&%^$# for a SIL. The girl has no class, and good for the bride for having such class and composure for not slapping her."
Sometimes when someone is a jerk, I wish I could just tell the world. The nice thing is that she did it for you, in a much better way than you ever could, in a way that made you look classy for dealing with it so well at the reception.
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