Post # 1
I have been with my husband for 9 years. We are high school sweethearts, in fact. We just got married last September… but our marriage has been very lukewarm and unhappy since the wedding night.
Basically, his sister made an unscheduled speech without asking us for permission, and in her speech she aired out some very private and embarassing information about me. I felt violated, disrespected and humiliated, but I didn’t react on the wedding night because I didn’t want it to become an even uglier scandal than it already was. I have avoided my sister-in-law since the wedding night, my justification for this was that I just wanted to focus on positive things, and being around her made me feel negative emotions. My husband has trivialized my feelings and this past weekend he finally got fed up and exploded on me, asking me to “just be the bigger person and forgiver her.”
We had the fight this weekend and we’ve apologized and made ammends, but I am no longer sure if this is what I want for the rest of my life. Throughout the nine years that we’ve been together he has always put me first ahead of his family. But now, after the incident at the wedding it’s like he has changed. He is acting neutral and nonchalant, like he doesn’t want to defend me. He has also been making jokes about divorce, which I thought was insensitive considering the current situation.
I never expected our marriage to be perfect or filled with rainbows and butterflies. But I expected our level of respect for each other to remain the same. I no longer feel loved or cherished.
For all the married bees… do you have advice on how I can try to fix this situation? Or should we get our marriage annulled? Please help, I want to save my marriage.
Post # 3
Is he open to going to counseling? Maybe you need someone else to help the two of you discuss what’s going on. Maybe there’s something bigger with him that he doesn’t know how to bring up. Maybe you aren’t effectively telling him what you need.
I think bringing in a professional might help. See if he’s open to couples counseling.
Also, was your husband aware of this “dirty laundry” she aired before her speech? Could he be reacting to some part of the information divulged that he never knew about?
I’m sorry you are going through this so early in your marriage, but if you want to save it, I think counseling might be a good course of action.
Post # 4
not married yet, but i second the counseling. I am a huge advocate for counseling, couples and individual. i go often, even when things arent bugging me. My sister and her BF (they have a kid togehter) go and i have seen huge changed in their relationship. she would go alone and then he would go alone and then they would go together. its seems to help them because rather than holding back emotions or going at each other you have someone there to mediate. Good Luck and dont give up on your marriage, fight for it as long as you can until you absoluely think there is nothing else to do.
Post # 5
I second counseling. It sounds like he isn’t open to real communication on this subject, which is not good. You need to feel like you can both be completely open, always. A neutral third party could help you guys open the curtain on what’s going on.
He should be choosing you over his family, and he should also not be belittling your feelings.Being angry at someone for feeling hurt is a pretty useless emotion. He should know better!
Post # 6
I’m sorry your SIL created a scene at your wedding. That’s truly awful. Have you spoken to her about it? I really don’t think you should walk away from your marriage because of one fight. It may have been a bad fight, but everyone has ups and downs in their relationships right? It sounds like you and DH need to sit down and talk about how you feel when he says certain things and his attitude in general as of late. You never know what may be going on with him that he hasn’t told you about. Maybe he’s getting some kind of pressure from his family, stress at work, etc that he’s been trying to protect you from.
I think a good honest conversation is in order. I find it’s really helpful to say things like “I feel like….” rather than “you said….”. Try to avoid starting sentences with “you” because it feels accusatory, try to explain things from your point of view and start with “I”.
Post # 7
I agree that counseling is in order, I think. If he won’t go, maybe you could go alone? I’m so sorry that happened to you and I just want to reach into the screen and hug you right now!
Did any of this innaproppriate information she brought up come as a surprise to your husband? If so, he may really need to learn how to deal with the information as well, so I thin counseling for just him may help, too. I hope things work out for you. It’s good that you want to try to save your marriage and get back to the place you were before in your relationship. Good luck.
Post # 8
Yeah, it kind of depends on what exactly she “aired,” if he had known about it ahead of time and how involved he is in it.
Post # 9
I also agree that counseling is the best way to go. You bottled up your feelings for a full year, and it may be part of the reason why he’s pushing them to the side now. Clearly what his sister did is eating away at you, and I think that he needs to hear that. I think that getting that out through a counselor will help. It will be a neutral party that will make your feelings valid, and he will help your husband see that they are. Then, you might be able to move past the situation and even forgive your sister-in-law someday.
I also agree with luckyprincess that maybe some of the information that your SIL brought up was news to your husband, and he needs his own way to deal with that.
I know that marriage isn’t always rainbows and butterflies too, but it definitely shouldn’t be unhappy all of the time. And what your SIL did shouldn’t be ruining your marriage. Definitely seek counseling and see if that helps first.
Post # 10
Well, we haven’t had to deal with this type of issue (yet), but I would recommend that you maybe try to put yourself in his shoes here. It sounds awful what your SIL did, but holding onto that kind of resentment and anger is never a good idea, especially if she actually deserves to be forgiven. It’s hard to imagine what kind of position that puts him in. Maybe he can give you some insight as to why you might want to forgive her and put it behind you. Don’t let it become a battle of wills, remember that there are no ‘winners’ in a marriage fight.
And if you aren’t able to talk it out on your own and respect each others point of view, I recommend counseling. Sometimes you just need that outside unbiased buffer in order to work things out fairly. It’s nothing to be ashamed about, it’s an investment in your relationship.
Post # 11
Did she air these things in an attempt to be mean? Why would she make such a speech?
The fact that he wants you to forgive and forget makes me wonder if he understands that you felt violated, disrespected and humiliated? Esp if you were able to push it aside on your wedding day.
While I don’t want to ask what was said, I suspect that YOU felt it was humiliating, but others didn’t see it that way? If so that could be why he isn’t being his usual supportive self.
Post # 12
What did the sister say? I understand its personal & you may not want to share specifics with us, but did her speech include things that your husband didn’t know about you that he should have known?
Marriage does take adjusting to, so it may just be that, but I would also recommend going to a counselor. Its nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about, but they can help drastically.
Tell him that the jokes about divorce hurt you & he may not mean anything by them, but it still does hurt. Have you asked him about how he’s acting? He may just be overwhelmed, other things may be going on. His family may be having issues because of the speech, or it may be not-wedding related.
Post # 13
I’m not sure I understand…what happened after she made said speach? Do you and your husband still have contact with this person? And, what exactly do you want your husband to do to rectifiy the situation?
I’m sorry she ruined the wedding for you…I don’t get why people need to do things like that.
Post # 14
Thank you for your support everyone
@KatNYC2011: He is not open to counselling right now. He said that we are “fine” and that I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
@bakerella: I haven’t spoken to my sister-in-law since the incident because I don’t know what to say to her.
@luckyprincess: Thank you for your kind words! This was her speech:
I was shocked when Anthony announced that he was going to marry Giselle. It made me happy because I was gaining a new sister. But at the same time, I wondered why he wanted to marry her after living with her for so long. Why now? Well, he told me that she gave him an ultimatum. You see, Giselle is quite insecure and jealous that all her friends were getting married. So she felt that she had to get in on the action as well. So she told Anthony marry me or we’re breaking up. Well, if that’s not arm-twisting, I don’t know what that’s called. Ha ha ha, it’s such a funny story! If I had known that ultimatums worked, I would have given my boyfriend an ultimatum a long time ago! Ha ha ha! My brother is such a sweet and goodhearted person, so he married Giselle out of his honor and integrity. He really is a wonderful human being.
She did this because she has never liked me from the beginning. She has always bullied me and made jokes at my expense in front of everyone. She wanted to have some attention at my own wedding, and this was her method of gaining some. She is a selfish and inconsiderate person. I am not saying I will never forgive her, perhaps in the future I can put it behind me, but I just can’t face her right now. I am not ready to deal with the hurt.
This was one day in my life that I slaved for and can never repeat again. I wanted it to be memorable. But not in a heartbreaking way.
Post # 15
That is downright mean and cruel. I don’t blame you for being upset with her and avoiding her. I think a big time heart to heart is in order with your husband. I think you could set aside some time to discuss your feelings with him and where you are coming from. I think bringing up the counseling again is a good idea. He should understand how hurtful her words were.
Post # 16
@redbullfanatic: This person is my husband’s younger sister. We will have contact with her for the rest of our lives.