Weddingbee boards

So my FI and I went to get our marriage license this weekend. The title I posted makes this sound horrible, but this isn't a, "Let's not get married afterall," story. I just had a mild panic attack about what to put on that dreaded line "Surname after Marriage."

So it was really busy and I felt rushed. I had wanted to ask the clerk some technical questions about name usage, but with a line piling up out the door I quickly scrawled down my fiance's name in a fit of panic about not being able to see him in the hospital if he was hurt and we had different names. Completely silly.

The clerk, not picking up yet on my oncoming hysteria about identity crises (I have been struggling with this for the entire engagement), quickly took the paper and started typing up the official document. I kind of made a feeble attempt to slow her down, but was mostly just about to cry so didn't say anything. I didn't want to make a scene!

My fiance, at this point very flabergasted with me because we had "decided" that I would not change my name, started asking me what the heck I was doing. So he piped up and asked the clerk to hold on for one second about the name change. We had a tense, whispered conversation about the whole thing. He comes from a culture that does not have women or men changing their names at marriage, so he didn't understand why I was on the verge of tears about this.

The clerk felt sorry for me and told me she has magical white out that she is allowed to use if I want to change what it says on the license before the big day. So for right now my license says "same" on that damned line.

The ridiculous thing about this entire fiasco is that my FI and I are both very content with the choice for me to have my name and he has his. I want to go by his name socially, and my name legally. The things I worry about are related to people not knowing I am the mother of my hypothetical children when I enroll them in school or take them to the doctor. I worry about my family and friends judging me.

We were just not going to tell anyone, but at my bachelorette party the girls all toasted me "Mrs. FI'sname," and my best friend, who is the only one I had told that I wasn't going to change, blurted that I was not "Mrs FI'sname" but would remain me. There was this awkward silence and I can't say that I have ever felt more judged, and more awful in my life.

Sorry for the book, I guess I just needed to vent. Does anyone have any advice on how to better deal with this??

Aww I know how you feel.  The name stuff has been the hardest decision in all of the wedding planning for me and I had a really similar experience to this.  I don't really have a good way to deal with this because I haven't found one yet either. 

We're both going to have all four names (my last as a new middle for each of us) and after filing the paperwork, we still really haven't told anybody.  He thinks some of his more traditional friends (and family!) are going to hassle him for changing his name in some way, and I know for a fact that msot of my friends thought I shouldn't change my name at all, while most of my relatives assumed I was.  While the compromise worked really well for the two of us, we don't live in a vaccuum and are going to hear it from other people.  So I understand about the judging, it really sucks :( 

I wish I had some advice on how to deal with it!  HUGS!

Yeah, I guess I just need to let go of worrying about what other people think. Even if those other people are my family and closest friends. The ironic thing is that I usually don't care what others think of me, but I think its because my family always embraced my quirkiness and let me be who I am. This is the first time I have ever felt really judged by those closest to me.

Thanks for the support.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with this. However, I'm going to encourage you to take his name, not because I think it's wrong to go against tradition and not change it, or because I personally am judging in anyway. I simply feel that while you may be very attached to a name, it does NOT define who you are. You will always be you, and if you are very concerned about others judging is it worth it to go to all the trouble of keeping it? It may take time, but you'll feel like you again in a new name too if you choose to take it.

Personally, I am sad to be losing my name. 1.) because I'm a writer and have sort of made something recognizable of it. People who read the local paper hear my name and know who I am ... it's kind of nice. And 2.) because my dad had two daughters and I'm the last besides him and my stepmom to carry the name. The only thing about that is, even if I were to keep it the name would still die with me, as our future kids would have FI's last name. As for the rest, the benefits of gaining the name of a man I love and respect so much far outweigh the drawback of losing some small recognition in the community.

Like you said, silly as it may sound, I don't want to ever walk into a hospital or have my FI walk in and have any problem seeing eachother. I don't want kids parents to be confused or anyone to ever question my love for my husband because I kept my own name ... plus, his is easier to spell and pronounce, so there's that :P

I kept my name. After the initial fear about what people would think, etc, I got over it and realized that I want to keep my name. People have been calling me by his name and even put his name on checks to us, but it doesn't appear to have been a problem. We haven't been correcting people, only immediate family.

I guess I can always still change the name, but I don't think I will. I don't believe that it makes us any less of a family. I know we're married, I don't think my kids will wonder who their mother is, and I don't really care if others think we're weird or inappropriate. We're both happy with the situation.

Yeah I am lucky in that my FI is French, and they just don't change their names when they get married. Its actually a very hard thing to do involving big fees and court hearings (not like here, where you just put it on a marriage certificate, then call the appropriate agencies). He was astounded that people on his side of the family addressed me as Mrs HisLast, but we figure its because they assumed I would do it the American way.

I have had the most resistance from my immediate family, believe it or not. My mom said, "Well just let me know what to call you." Kind of snarky. I just told her to call me what she always calls me, my first name. Jeez!! My sister, who is married, also gave me a snotty comment, and my other sister who is not married didn't say anything, but I could tell she didn't really "approve." But I have gotten over it, and more importantly, I think they have gotten over it. I think my dad is kind of happy, he's got three daughters and no brothers, hehe.

My best support has been from my close girlfriends. I seem to live in a year of rebel girls or something, none of my close friends want to change their names when they get married (I am the first of us, at 28, to even GET married!). So I think they will feel better about making the decision now that I have kind of walked that mine-field.